Monday, January 31, 2011

People pleaser

For as long as I can remember I have been a people pleaser. I love people, and can talk to anyone. Growing up I loved school and church and anywhere there were lots of people. I made freinds imediately wherever we moved to. I was never mistaken for being shy or reserved. Most of the time I love this, however that also makes me a great follower. I hate it when someone doensn't like me or what I am donig. I will try to do whatever I can to make everyone happy. I do not like conflict, and telling someone no is practically physically painful for me. I am a sap! This makes it difficult to follow God I am finding out. I will do what I I am sure God wants and then someone will come along and say something that makes me think I shouldn't. We are to follow godly council and that causes me a lot of conflict. Even in the Bible it seems those who truly followed God went against everyone else. How do you balance that? We are to love as Christ loved, we are to seek godly wisdom from others and yet I almost always get conflicting advice. Even in my own study time I often get mixed signals. I am learning however and hopefully, that when God calls me to do something to stick with it and do it. I may still struggle with the difference of a road block by God and a spiritual attack from the enemy, but I pray that I will keep praying and seeking God until I can tell the difference. I still love making people happy and I love it when everything works great and I look like a great friend or hero ( that is another topic on pride for another day) but I really want to learn to please my Lord and Savior. My list of friends may shrink considerably and that is going to hurt but I have to stand before the Great I AM someday and will do it alone,I want to hear "well done my good and faithful servant" I don't think I will hear that about this last week. Prasie God for His mercy and grace!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Long night

Yesterday was going along fine. I knew I had a sleep study that I had to be at by 9:30 p.m. I wasn't allowed to have any caffiene all day : ( I also could not use any conditioner, lotion, mouse, powder, etc. I live in Arizona and it is DRY and cold right now. Not using any of those products was a real drag. I wanted lotion so bad and my hair...remember the science experiment where you put your hand on the big silver ball and your hair stands straight out? I didn't need the big shiney ball. Life was just moving along and then Paul's mom got a call to come in to her doctor right away. When she came home she told me she has breast cancer. Now my mother in law comes across  very stoic and removed from showing any tenderness, but I was crushed. I didn't show it, she didn't show it, I don't think she will. This isn't what I expected in the new year, but then I am always getting unexpected stuff, that is life. I do know this is going to be difficult for Paul and his mom both but I think it can be a good thing too. I must admit going to my sleep study was hard. I didn't want to leave Paul and I knew sleep would be difficult. Well I must have slept enough to get the information they needed and I was put on a c-pap half way through the night. I will be getting my own in the near future. Don't think I slept any better the second half but they seemed to think I did. I don't think the c-pap comes in candy apple red with lace so I am not looking forward to sleeping next to my sweet prince in one. I know he will just be glad I am breathing and not snoring, now he can sleep bette also. Life is full of so much and I have a hard time processing it all sometimes. I don't want to just have a hum drum life though and that means embracing the ups and downs. All that is happening makes me appreciate what I do have. Today my oldest son turns 10. We are going to have cheesecake with strawberries and Friday he gets a party with all of his friends. I want to relish each moment and without the difficult stuff I don't think I would appreciate the blessings that I have in abundance. I am going to go celebrate life today!

Monday, January 10, 2011

One takes the bow and one takes the blame

Everyone has conflict. It is unavoidable. Many years ago I learned that when there is a conflict people want to blame one side or the other (just look at our politicians). It is human nature. We tell ourselves that there are two sides to every story but we still want to blame someone. In a relationship someone is always the jerk or the diva. We say we understand why they broke up because one of them whas just impossible to live with. Human nature is wired that way. We have to have someone to blame, to make ourselves feel better, to save face, to help cope, whatever the reason. It is a part of self preservation. and it starts at a very young age. Listen to children in a nursery or daycare or even your own kids. When someone gets hurt or starts fighting and you ask what happened, they all want to point a finger and say "they started it" or "it wasn't me". We try and teach them responsiblity and accepting fault but it is so hard, even for adults. We do not like to take the blame at least not without explaining why it happened first. There was a song out many years ago by the Statler Brothers (my all time favortie group) that is called One Takes the Bow One Takes the Blame. It is about a a couple getting a divorce ( I am not condoning this) and the husband is telling his soon to be exwife that he know someone has to be blamed and he will do that. Everyone can say it was his fault and let her off the hook. It was very admirable but sad. Most conflict isn't that cut and dry. We do not see things clearly, we see them through our own hurts and failures. I truly believe that no story is completly true. Only God knows the truth 100%. He knows the heart and the hurts behind all the failures and conflicts in our lives. However sometime we have to take the blame and let stuff go. It is difficult. I have seen others do this with great grace and mercy. God knows their hearts and the truth. It shouldn't matter what others may think, but it does. Oh to have the grace to take the blame and just walk away so others can go on. Lord give me the strength to let go and not feel the need to excuse my actions and point fingers. I have blown it and I am sorry. I will take the blame.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


I am always surprised by how much pain I can feel from something that has happened a long time ago. I think I am ok and have moved on when something can trigger it and it all comes back fresh and very real. I try to move on, I try to forgive. I even think that I have forgiven, and maybe I have. But if I have why does it still hurt so much? I tell myself and my family that life hurts. We are going to feel pain. I know we live in an imperfect and flawed world. I know that sin and Satan are very very real. I know my need for my Savior. If this life were perfect I would not need Christ and Heaven, I would not look forward to it.Without the pain I wouldn't appreciate the wonderful blessings I have. If life were always the same I would become numb to my needs and the needs of those around me. I also know that when I hurt I cling to my Savior, it is where I should always be anyway and I tend to slip away without even realizing it. Satan wants me to focus on the bad and forget what God has called me to do. I wonder if the harder something is the more likely it is that I am doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing. If that is true then I am doing exaxtly what God wants and I can't worry about what others think. I need to please my Savior, I need to be in the middle of His will and not my own. I need to move out of my comfort zone and get on with what I know God had called me to do!! Will it be easy? I doubt it. Will it be pain free, absolutly not! Christ suffered more than I can ever imagine.If I suffer even a little I pray it is for His glory and never my own.Onward with what God has called me to do!

Monday, January 3, 2011


The New Year is here. A time of reflection and looking forward. A time to make some changes and hope they stick, aah that is the snag. It seems we wait for January 1st so we can plan all these great things (eating better, exercise more, get organized, spend less, stop smoking, etc. etc.) How long does it take us to blow it, a few days, a few hours? What amazes me is that we ( maybe I should say I ) give up so easily. Why? Of course we blow it, but why not try again? Why do we wait for the New Year? If I decide to start eating better and on January 4 I get a Big Mac and milk shake do I just quit trying for the whole year? Do I have to wait for a Monday? Why can't I just get up and do better for dinner instead of waiting. We tend to make excuses even as to why we wait ie "it is the weekend and I am running around so much, I will eat a salad Monday" I can order a salad at any fast food place I go to. I choose not to. That is were the problem lies, 'I choose" Change isn't easy, starting a new habit isn't either, it is doable though. I don't have to wait for any special day or time. I don't have to wait for the summer, or school to start, or even the New Year. I keep moving forward, I keep trying, I find accountability, I find encouragement. I don't give up! So while I have made a few resolutions ( most of which I have already messed up) I still go back to them.

1. I want to loose weight and eat better
2. I want to stop yelling.
3. I want to be more encouraging
4. I want to spend more time in the Word and prayer
5. I want to let those I care about know it.
6. I want to be more organized and less messy.

I will blow it,I will have to start over, but I will not give up! Don't stop trying, don't give up. Anything that takes work is worth it! Happy New Year! 

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Trying to catch up

I was just looking at my old posts and realized it has been way to long. With me spending more and more time on facebook I tend to neglect my blog. This is not a good thing because I love to write out what God is speaking to me and it helps me. When I write it down it makes it real and I tend to be more accountable. I have had so much going on that it is hard to write it all down. God has been moving in my life and in my families. We are very excited and a little scared. That is good because I depend on Him more when I get scared and know I can't do it alone. I need to get back on track with writing everything down also. I tend to forget what I learn and what God is doing ( just like the Isrealites huh?) 
 We have now been in Safford for 3 years. This has been my wilderness time. I am not sure it is over but I can see us moving forward again and that gives me hope. These 3 years have been necesary for both myself and Paul. It has been hard and long but without it I would not be who I am today. I have heard over and over from God "TRUST ME" Most of the time this is all I have gotten. I feel like I have cried out over and over. I have pleaded, wepted and even screamed "when, why, how long" Again and again I hear my Lord say 'TRUST ME" . He isn't loud, He isn't rude, He doens't get tired of me asking (thank God for that). I have told Him " I do trust You, so lets move on" I then realize that maybe I don't. If I did would I still be whinnig so much about the wait, wouldn't I trust that it isn't time yet.? I am learning to let go. Now it is time!

Paul is going back to seminary.This time for his MDIV. He is called to be a pastor not a music minister. I have known this almost as long as I have known him. I also knew that God had to show him and tell him when not me. He has applied and been accepted to Golden Gate Baptist Theological Seminary. He will be taking classes on line right now but eventually we will move again. We are ready, even if I am a little scared. I don't like change. Funny I know when I have been dying to do something new. I have gotten a better appreciation for my Mother-in-law by living with her. I see her better now and hopefully love her more. 
God is moving me more also.I will be speaking to minister's wives at the end of January. This is a burden I have had for a long time but knew it had to be God's timing and not my own. This will stretch my faith in ways that it never has before. I am stepping out it complete trust of Him. He has to do this through me or I will fail! I do not want pride to go with me. I want to be totally used by my Savior! I want Him to be glorified and not me! 

Well that is my last three months in a nutshell. I will be better about this and much more is coming. I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. Doesn't matter really, this is between me and my Savior. If you are reading this. Please keep myself and Paul as well as our kids in your prayers. We have a lot happening and only God can make it happen. Have an amazing New Year, I know I will!