Friday, June 29, 2012
I have come to the conclusion that everyone has some kind of pride issue. It may be incognito as a martyr, as always serving, or even as low self esteem. The biggest one to me is claiming how humble someone says they are or "I used to be arrogant and proud but not anymore" If you have to say that then you are still proud. I say all this only because I have been dealing with my own pride lately and I hate that I can see it in myself so strongly and ugly. What bothers me the most is I didn't think I struggled with pride in this particular area so much. I want to be humble, I truly do but the process is painful. It is like looking at myself through a microscope and seeing all the germs and bacteria. Every time I think I am making strides forward I fall right back into the selfish pit again. I also know that Christians are just as bad if not worse, our holier that thou attitudes are terrible. We think we are so good or at least better than "sister so in so" or "brother what's his name" We think that if we don't do it it won't get done or at least not as well as if we did it. I am no better and I hate it. God has exposed some areas in my life and has been dealing with them and it hurts. Cleaning out the stuff in my life and seeing how I am and how I need to change is a painful and not so quick process. I want it to be all about God not me, I want to give Him the glory, I want to do whatever He asks and not worry about others and what they may think, so why is it so hard when I am not being used or given a pat on the back or worse being praised for doing something? What happens when someone else comes along and does something better than I do or worse they are not any better but they get to do what I wanted to or was doing? I got to be honest it hurts and it is because of pride and being all about me. What bothers me the most is I really don't want to feel this way. I want to let things go and just focus on my Savior so why cant I? I think it because God needs to get rid of it and it takes time and yes some pain, maybe that way I will remember what it felt like and not go back to that way of thinking. It will be on to the next painful growth opportunity....I can hardly wait.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
I realize that with age some things change. I also know that at 46 I am not old, there are many who would say that I am in great shape. Genetics do play a big part and in my family I am truly blessed. My grandmother didn't go gray until she was in her 60's and my mom is the same way. I have no gray hair and I know many in their 20 and 30's who already struggle with it including my wonderful husband. That being said things do change and I know it is different for everyone but once I hit 40 I could tell that I was no longer looking young. I expect and accept the fact that my energy isn't what it used to be and my metabolism has slowed way down. I can no longer eat whatever I want and not struggle with weight, I must exercise :( I see the fine lines and have the red rough cheeks, my neck has lost a lot of elasticity and will continue to do so ( I can appreciate why people get face lifts, and professional dermatologist procedures. If I were wealthy I would get a boob lift...honestly, I hate saggy breasts. I take most of this with a grain of salt and I know I look younger than my 46 years, again thanks to genetics. The one thing I was not expecting and was not informed of was the fact that my armpits look old. I don't know how else to say it, they have lost their firm skin, are not smooth and have a discolored hue. When I was 16 or even 23 I don't remember shaving my armpits and thinking how nice they looked but I can tell you now I wish I had, maybe I would have appreciated it. I don't think I will convince any teenage girls I know to enjoy their armpits while they can, wear all those cute tank tops and wave to your hearts content for in 30 plus years they will be discolored and unattractive. Lets face it, if I say that I will be marked as crazy, probably the "crazy old lady" even. So I guess I will just resign myself to being 46 and not looking young but not looking old either, after all there are a lot of advantages to growing up and old, but that is a different blog topic.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Another year has come and gone on Camp Homefront. This was our 4th year and the kids still love it. What started as a one time guilty idea on Moms part has blown into an annual memory making tradition for all of us. The first year our kids had wanted to go to church camp and due to a communication error on Daddy and Mommy's part it didn't happen so I got to work thinking of things to make home just as fun. I surprised them early Monday morning with a camp schedule that started with putting our tent in the living room (we were fortunate our living room was very large) and from there we hit the floor running. I had crafts, activities, new recipes, games, outings and more on the schedule. Most of what I had scheduled was new so we also got to learn lots. We get to spend so much time together and the kids can't say they are bored (at least they better not lol) I don't just plan the activities I do them all with the kids. This is Levi's favorite part, his love language is quality time ( Gary Chapman...The 5 Love Languages) I don't talk on the phone, read, or get on the computer (this one is hard for me). The kids loved that first year so much that they ask for it every summer now. I spend all year gathering ideas for things to do and find myself getting just as excited as they do. By the end of the week I am broke, tired and glad to sleep in but it is so worth it all. I pray this is making terrific memories for each of my kids, I know it is for me and one day I am going to miss it so much. Maybe I can save all my ideas for grand-kids, if I think I am tired now I can't imagine how I will feel in 10 years doing this. :D