Sunday, April 19, 2015
It has been a year since my personal retreat and let me just say it has been a long hard year. Every time I felt I was getting a grip something else would knocke me down. Several knew how hard I fell. I was willing to break down and shut down. I know all the things we tell ourselves and others about getting back up or just have faith or everyones favorite...God has a purpose and He works all things for good. I have heard it all. I have said it all. To others and to myself. Why do we think that bad things won't happen when we are already down and discouraged? Why would we think that Satan would leave us alone when we are wounded? He doesn't I can promise you that personally. This life is hard and you can only be strong on your own for so long and then you will break, you will shatter, you will give up. I have done all three within the last year and if it were not for a gracious and mercifull Savior I would be in a mental facility. I am just being honest here. I have had more than I can take, much more, too much. I want easy, I want comfortable, I want happy, I want, I want, I want. Do you hear the problem? "I WANT" It is all about me, me, me. Only it isn't about me and it never has been. That is hard to admit because I don't like it. Pride comes in many forms, not just the obvious arogance ones. Pride is also being afraid of change or faliure or looking foolish, because it is still about me. Years ago I prayed that God would make me a vessel broken and use completly for Him. He took me at my word and when He started working I didn't like it. I wanted to be used the way I thought was best ( in my comfort zone) or at least in a way that made me look great and humble. boy listen to that. No wonder this year has been hard. There has been a lot this last year that I had a good reason to complain about and ask God why but that doesn't mean I can quit. God loves me too much to let me just sit and complain. This last year has been hard but I have made it worse by my attitude and it has had far reaching affects. I need to be on my knees weeping in repentance before my God and my King. I need to tell my loved ones far and wide thank you for carrying me in prayer and I am beyond sorry. The light is coming out again and I am so gratefull. I love my Lord and my family and Satan has not won in my life! I am a child of the Great I AM!!!!! Lord use me as You see fit (even if that means moving again in a few months :P He knows what is best and need to sit humbly at His feet!! I can't wait to see what this next year holds for me.