Goldie's ramblings

Going to the Specialist

2012-01-23T19:30:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow Jennifer and I have the "pleasure" of driving almost 6 1/2 hours to Fargo N. D. for a doctor appointment. No I am not kidding, I wish I were. That seems a bit ridiculous in todays society that nothing is even a little closer. We will be seeing Jennifer's new endocrinologist. They specialize in things like growth hormone, diabetes, thyroid and other such things. Because of Jennifer's Prader Willi we have been going to them for over 10 years now. Every time we get a new one I cringe. They can be very condescending and judgemental. They have big egos and usually don't think I know much at all. I may not have gone to medical school, but I have lived with my daughter all of her life. I know her, what makes her laugh, what makes her cry, what makes her mad and what she thinks is unfair. I know her quirks, her loyalties, what she is good at, what she struggles with and how much she loves her food, family and God. So why do I let them get to me when they ask if I know how much she weighs, and if I am aware of the fact that she is eating more than she should. I want to scream "really, I had no idea she wasn't a size 6 and that she loves sweets, savories and everything in between." Do I know that she shouldn't eat so much? YES! Do they ever ask how hard is it for you? What is it like to live with your daughter literally crying for food? How do you balance her eating with 2 very active, healthy, SKINNY, boys who can eat anything they want and more? Why don't they ask "does it break your heart to tell her no more tonight'? Why do they insist on treating me like an idiot who doesn't understand what Prader Willi is. I have lived this with my daughter for over 13 years. We have prayed together, cried together, and laughed together over it all. We have agreed that it isn't fair and that God loves her fiercely anyway! She knows we love her and only want what is best for her. She knows she is beautiful and we know nothing will change that. The doctor will insist that we see a nutritionist ( some skinny little 25 year old with no kids and no idea what we struggle with) she will explain the food pyramid to us like we are 2nd graders and don't know that more veggies and more movement are the answer to all our problems. I will listen, nod and smile all the while praying for strength and peace that only God can give. The doctor will soon learn that I do not intend to drive 6 1/2 hours more than a couple times a year only to be beat up and lectured. Jennifer however will love every minute of it, after all she gets mommy's undivided attention, we get to stay in a hotel and she gets to pick where we eat for dinner ( I get to pick lunch). She is beyond excited and has more coloring books and stuff ( yes a baby doll) than one girl needs for a simple over night trip. The time we get to spend together will be precious and priceless for both of us and for that I am truly grateful. Now to get prayed up for the doctor.

Living between 2 ages

2012-01-17T08:21:00.000-08:00

I love where I am in life, most of the time. I got married when I was almost 30 and didn't have my first child until I was just 2 weeks shy of 32. I would have loved to have gotten married in my twenties and started a family then but God had better plans than I did. Most of the time I love the way and when things worked out. My dilema is that now that I am in my mid 40's I am stuck between worlds. My Sunday School class is made up of women in my age group give or take a little and I love being in there. I love the ladies, we have a very gifted teacher and it is so much fun, the problem is they are empty nesters or close, working women who are in a different season than I am. The flip side of this is that the stay at home mom's who have children the same age as I do or close are in their 20's and 30's. Now most of the time none of this bothers me but some times I feel like a 3 wheel or a fish out of water in either group. I have gone through menopause and no longer have to deal with pms. I don't have to worry about toddler tantrums and all my kids are in school, and yet I don't work outside the home I do not have grandchildren and gray hair, and I do not know what it feels like to be an empty nester. So where do I fit in and how do I balance this crazy time in my life? I am old enough to be a grandmother even if I am not, there are woman who have gray hair in their 30's and women older than I who still deal with pms. I am done having children and even though I could go back to work it isn't something I am striving to do. So here I sit wondering what to do. I am a very social person and would love to find a true sister chick friend to click with but most women I feel a connection to are too busy with work or too busy with small children still at home. I know this season will not last forever but right now it is a hard place to be and so I sit, facebook, blog, and dream of days to come where I will once again have a friend close by that is closer than a sister.

New Year, New Goals?

2012-01-02T20:12:00.000-08:00

2012, A new year and a time to reflect. I always like the idea of New Year's Resolutions but I rarely succeed at any of them. I always have grand plans to loose weight, eat better and exercise and yet here I sit probably a little heavier than even this time last year, only using my wii fit sporadically and have junk food in my home and not enough fresh veggies. I resolve to be more organized, a better house keeper and less of a pack rat and yet I can't find any envelopes, I have clutter in several rooms of my house and have more "stuff" than I have room for. So why do I make them every year? I live in hope that I will change, if I am not trying to change then I have given up and that is sad. I also think that in many ways I have improved over the year, at least I hope so. I feel better, more at peace with myself, don't worry what others think as much, am more comfortable with my body even if I have gained a few more pounds. I feel like I am a better wife and mother now than I was a year ago. I love to reflect over the year and see what I have learned, accomplished, and done. A year is a long time in many ways. So when I don't stick to my weight loss plans or my clean house ideals do I wait until 2013 to try again? That seems absurd to wait. If I blow it January 5, ok January 2 do I really wait a full year to try again? NO, I try January 3 and January 4 and every day. It gives me hope to get up and try again to improve, I don't even have to wait for Monday. I can start eating better on a Thursday, I can start a cleaning routine on Tuesday. I can, I can, I can, that is what I think a New Year's Resolution is all about. Just don't give up, always hope and 2012 can be better than 2011. Happy New Year!

Update on the move

2011-12-28T09:28:00.000-08:00

Well I obviously need to update things and get better about blogging...again. We do have carpet for those that don't know. It took a couple of more weeks so around the beginning of November. We are grateful and the kids are finally more settled into their rooms. I loved decorating for Christmas although it was the first time in probably 10 years we didn't have Grandma O'Dell's stocking hanging. She chose not to come for fear it would be too cold and she had already traveled for Thanksgiving and the beginning of December to see other family and was tired of traveling. Now to undecorate (not as fun). Most of our boxes are unpacked and I am still trying to figure out where to put everything. I guess I still have too much :S The weather has been mild up here in North Dakota almost too mild. The kids really wanted a white Christmas and we didn't get it. Those who have lived here for years are very grateful for the mild winter and I guess it is good for us to slowly get use to it but it would be nice to have some snow. The kids are doing well and the boys shined in the kids Christmas musical at church. Jennifer loves singing in the Junior High choir at school and now helps on Wednesday nights in the nursery, she loves being with the little ones! I am getting settled and praying about what God would have me to do here. Paul is amazing at all he does, but that is not a surprise :) I love being in a new adventure with Paul and our kids. Yes I still miss my family and friends but I am thrilled to be somewhere I have never been. There is much to get use to and I love it! No getting bored with snow and coffee shops and new people to meet! i would love for many of you to visit us and see all that we get to be a part of. I pray each of you has a blessed New Year and God grows you in new and exciting ways. I pray the same for myself. 2012 I hope to blog more :S lets see if I keep this resolution.

Getting settled

2011-10-14T10:39:00.000-07:00

Boxes, boxes everywhere and no carpet to be seen. We have been here for a couple of weeks now and still we are waiting on carpet so we can finish unpacking. Again I am waiting, always waiting for something to happen or stop. Maybe that is why there are so many verses on waiting in God's Word. The kids are getting use to their new schools and seem to like them. That is a praise because we know how hard it can be especially since school had already started. God has been gracious in helping them with all the changes, we are blessed. I am enjoying setting up my kitchen and making it feel like home. We have been living with Paul's mom for the last 4 years and let me say she was wonderful to let us move in and let me use the kitchen as my own. I think she may have even enjoyed it :- ) but I missed having my own space. I don't think I even realized how much until I started unpacking and putting things away in my new kitchen. I already have ideas for decorating, organizing, and new recipes to try. I can't wait to decorate for Christmas! I have a greater appreciation for having a home and my stuff than I did before and I hope I don't forget it thank God and be grateful. So much I take for granted before and it will be easy to do again if I forget. Our place is not big but amazingly Paul and I have been talking about simplifying our lives and downsizing. We are so spoiled and I know we don't have near as much as so many others. I also know we have so much more than most of the world and certainly more than we need. Having a smaller place and having most of our stuff packed away for the last 4 years should make it easier, should being the key word. I am a pack rat by nature so it is still a challenge for me and I need to daily, ok hourly ask God for help. I want to teach my kids that stuff shouldn't rule our lives and what we have we should be grateful for. As we continue to get settled I am trying to stay patient, grateful and motivated to get rid of what I don't need to keep. I truly am blessed with all I have, thank you Lord!

Saying goodbye

2011-09-13T21:27:00.000-07:00

I do not like change, even when I am doing something I don't care for at least it is familiar. Change, even good change is stressful. Saying good bye is even worse for me, and now I get to do both. I also need to teach my children these life lessons. Change is inevitable and so is saying goodbye. Even if I never move again I still have to deal with goodbyes when others I care about move or even die. So here I go having to do both. The more I love the harder to say goodbye. Is it worth getting close? I think so, pain is inevitable and loving is worth the pain. I love my family and I wouldn't trade my relationship with them for anything. Because of this saying good bye is going to be very difficult in a couple of weeks. I know without a doubt I will cry and that is ok. I hope my kids realize it is ok also. I know I am doing what God wants and being where He has called me is where
I need to be. My family and I will still be close even if we cannot see each other as often. I also know they will support me and pray for me and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Yes saying good bye is hard but only because I love my family and friends so much. These last 4 years have been a healing, growing, learning and waiting and now it it time to move on and say good-bye and I love you, and even shed a few tears.

Can I handle it?

2011-09-08T22:21:00.000-07:00

Over the last few weeks I have been reminded that many people think I am a strong person. I have been told over and over again that I am "one of the strongest people they know" Sometimes I even get tired of hearing it. I have been through so much. If I would have known at 15 years old all that would happen I couldn't have handled it.I have moved and said goodbye more times than I would like. I have been made fun of and teased by many, including being told I was the nice one but not the pretty one. I have been very poor, saw my sister go blind at age 21, lost many family members and friends to death, including my father and sister way too soon. I didn't get married until I was almost 30 and many days I thought it would never happen. I have a daughter with special needs that is daily a challenge.I have left people and everything I love and not been able to look back. I have been hurt and hurt others I could go on and on. The point is I am not strong. I am often told "God will not give you more than you can handle", hog wash. God will not give me more than HE can handle, and guess what? He can handle anything!!! When people see that I strong, they are really seeing Jesus in me. Trust me, I am falling apart inside many times, thinking "I can't do this anymore" Without my Savior I would be a basket case. The next time I am having a hard day or even a hard week I need to remember God is my strength so I don't have to be strong.

Up & down and all around

2011-08-22T21:23:00.000-07:00

Reading back over my last entry I can't believe summer break is over. Our summer was very busy with time spent with family, going to the big D in California, camp homefront, lots of sleepovers and a week in North Dakota. The kids are back in school and we have a routine of sorts. I am still waiting on God but not for the same things as before. I am still learning or at least being taught to trust Him. So many questions have been answered but guess what...it just left me with a bunch of different ones.

Here is how summer was. We have been waiting to hear from God about what the next step is for us and where. We were pretty sure it was somewhere near seminary in California. Lots of churches and secular jobs had Paul's resume. So we prayed lots and waited more. Alaska said no thanks, and others are still "looking" at the resumes. Summer was going fast and our stress was mounting. Paul had several interviews and still we waited. The kids were asking "are we moving, do we know where God wants us yet?" etc.It was even getting to them. Then the end of July Paul had another interview, when it was over we waited. The next day we had plane tickets for the whole family to go to North Dakota for a week. They wanted to meet us all. We went and helped with VBS and Paul preached and lead worship. It was a fun but exhausting. We met lots of people and had lunch or dinner with someone different every day. The kids did super with all the running around. We came home and still knew nothing. The church called the next day and said they wanted to vote on us that Sunday. They did and Paul left Wednesday morning for a 3 day drive. We are still here waiting and praying for more miracles and answers. Housing is very hard to get so we need a miracle in order to join Paul. We hate being apart and yet realize we are blessed. So many families are apart for long periods of time and are even in dangerous situations. Our prayers have changed from where are we suppose to be to please provide a place to live and be with us as we are all apart. We wanted to move over the summer but God had other plans. We are not looking forward to saying goodbye to everyone, it is always the hardest part, but we know this is where God has called us. I can tell you I never even had North Dakota in my mind as a place to go. I am not apposed to it i just didn't think of it. I couldn't even tell you where in the United States it was located...I do now :) I have never lived in snow but I will now. I am both excited and sad for all the changes happening. I can say I am glad we are going forward after being in the wilderness for so long. There will be new challenges and reasons to cry out to God but the next step has finally come. Now to get packing.

Summer Time

2011-06-02T11:05:00.000-07:00

Summer time is here, and it is obvious. We have already hit 100 degrees, we have been to the free movies in town, friends have spent the night, we have had a picnic complete with hot dogs and potato salad, and my kids have told me they are bored. Aahh, summer, visions of lazy days and lemonade, but so far it as only been a vision. I seem busier than ever. I even have a hard time keeping up on laundry and grocery shopping. What happened to those lazy days I would look forward too? I don't know how my kids can be bored,we have been to the pool, the movies, the mountains, Pizza Hut, played games, made homemade donuts and more. I don't have time to be bored, how can they? It also tells me just how fast this summer is going and I don't know where it is taking us. Every time I read my Bible or devotional I hear...trust Me, I will not let you down, I will hold you, I have a plan. I don't doubt God in any of this but the waiting is hard. I also have been hearing, wait on Me, rest in Me. I don't know maybe I am doubting, I have never been without food, clothes or shelter so why worry now? I think I just want to know where we will be next month. Maybe I am not ready to hear the answer yet, maybe I need to rest more and worry less. Sounds like a great plan but so hard to apply. I am so busy with the kids etc. I don't have time ( at least that is my excuses) to be still. I even try, I get up at 6am and so do my kids, I get up at 5:15am and so do my kids, arrgghh. It is so hard but something I need to learn. God doesn't have to tell me His plans I just need to be ready to go. So the question is...do I pack or hold off, do I get all our medical records or wait, do I tell the schools I need records or not? I don't like the unknown but God is God and I am not. Don't I expect my kids to not always question everything, to trust me, to wait? Hmmm maybe I need to do the same thing? Lead by example is what I need to do. This summer will be over before I know it and I will look back and know exactly where I am in my Father's hands. Whether in Safford, San Jose, North Dakota, Alaska, Alabama, Tucson, or somewhere else entirely, that is the best place to always be and praise God, He will go with me anywhere.

13, middle school and diabetes

2011-05-16T10:19:00.000-07:00

What a crazy couple of weeks we have had here in the O'Dell house. Two birthdays only four days apart both with parties on the same weekend and then music programs at school, middle school tour and doctor appointments and lets not forget Mother's Day. I think this all happens at once so I am wanting summer vacation for the kids as much as they do. Jennifer is now 13...a teenager. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around this. I think it is hard because I don't want to be old enough to have a teenager but alas it is the truth. I remember having my beautiful girl and how thrilled I was to have that first Mother's Day gift. She was and still is a treasure to me and always will be. She is so excited to be 13. For some reason she thinks it is a magic number where everything changes, she gets a boyfriend, wears makeup, life is better some how. Boy is she wrong about a lot of it. She is not getting a boy friend, she is not wearing makeup, but I do pray life is better for her. Becoming a teenager is exciting, it means growing up it means middle school. We got to tour the middle school and meet the special education teacher, and some others. She was very excited (so she said) I also think she is apprehensive. Change is not easy for anyone but for a special needs kid routine is key. She has been a lot more weepy and keeps saying she is going to miss her current teacher. It is a lot to process even under the best of circumstances. She also knows we may be moving over the summer and that will change even more of her routine. She and I also went to Tucson for her Endocrinology appointment on Monday. They informed us that she has the beginning of type 2 diabetes. This is very common in prader willi children and it does run in our family ( my sister had type 1 and Paul's mom has type 2) Jennifer only knows that Aunt Carrie died and was a little scared. I assured her that Carrie had it for 42 years, had a heart attack and it was type 1. The doctor was very gracious and not patronizing (a nice change from most). She wants us to move more and eat lots of veggies. She didn't condemn either one of us just wants us to try and get it under control without any medication if we can. It was a great wake up call for me. I knew we should be eating better but I get lazy and now I can't, I have no excuses. We ride bikes together, play on the Wii together and eat our veggies together. I know this will get harder as we try and cut out so much junk but I have a great reason to. I have actually been beating myself up. I knew this was a concern and I still had junk in the house. Sugar is every bit as addicting as any other drug of choice. I also hate telling Jennifer no when she want more food. I know it is best for her but the mom in me hates it. I wonder how mom's who don't have any food for their children do it. It breaks my heart and it must break theirs. It is not the way we are suppose to do it. Mothers are suppose to give their children food when they are hungry and I hate telling her she can't have it when she feels like she is starving. I think it is an absolutely cruel syndrome. I know we are all learning so much from it but learning is very painful at times. I look forward to the banqueting table in Heaven where she can eat what ever she wants and how much she wants! My daughter is growing up and while I can't stop it I can enjoy every minute of it. She is so precious to me and I couldn't love her anymore if I tried. My princess will always be my princess no matter where life takes us and I am glad we have made it to 13! She makes me a better person. I see God's love in her so much. She loves more than most I know and God shows me all the time how much He loves me by using her as an example. I always wanted to me a wife and mother and I can never doubt His love for me, he gave me a wonderful husband and 3 incredible kids...I am blessed!!!!!

Get ready to stretch

2011-04-28T12:56:00.000-07:00

I love to be comfortable. Lounging on the couch with a good book is one of the most relaxing things in the world to me. I don't think this is wrong and resting and sitting down for a while is great. I do wonder about my comfort and contentment. I can be content and not be comfortable. Take a marathon runner for example. When they are running are they comfortable? I don't think so. They get hot, tired, sore, exhausted even but ask them if they are content and most if not all would say yes. A labor and delivery nurse works on her feet for 12 hour shifts, exhaustion is common and so is dealing in high stress but are they content? I know most are. They are doing something they love and are passionate about. What am I passionate about? Am I content? Do I really want to stretch and grow? I say yes but then I start the stretching and it is hard work and I want to stop. I have no desire to run a marathon, I get tired just watching someone else do it. I do know that it feels great when I have exercised and reached a goal however. So what is holding me back now from moving from comfortable to stretching? Fear and doubt! Every time I think it is time to go forward, someone says don't. Godly people say "are you crazy?" "you don't have a plan" "God doesn't expect you to just go, does He?" I start to question and worry. I don't see a clear path, OK I don't see any path right now. Maybe we have gotten ahead of God. I hope and pray not. Our hearts are right, we want to go and serve. We are ready to move forward and yet no door seems to be opening for us. I can tell you I am definitely stretching now and it is uncomfortable. I am waiting for a miracle to happen. I know God can do anything. I pray He shows us His plan quickly, even if it isn't what I thought it would be. I can't just sit on the couch any longer, it is time to move forward...somewhere.

Walking in Faith...stay or go

2011-04-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

I have always been told to seek God's Will. I truly want to do this, it is my hearts desire to serve my God and Savior. So why is it so hard to see what that "will" is for me? I think I know what He asks and then I don't see it happening, this is even after waiting years for the answer. I know that God's will is for me to praise and serve Him and I can do that anywhere He sends me, and I do find comfort in that. I also know that God has a specific plan for my life and I want to do that. I don't want second best, I don't want to do "something" for God I want to do what is priority is for me...His best! How do you know when to move forward and when to stay still? Some would say don't go anywhere until you hear from God where to go. I could argue that I could sit here for the rest of my life; still serve and worship but not move forward. Some would say step out in faith and just go. I could argue that I don't want to tempt God and push forward just because I am tired of the waiting ( Joseph was in prison for how long? David was anointed as King but how long before he wore the crown?) I know that God has a plan for me and for my family. I do not want to get ahead of God and have to sit in the wilderness even longer or only get His second best for my life. So where does the faith come in? Sit and wait for the pillar to move or go like Abraham until God says stop? Some things are not so easy to see with my human and sinful eyes. I did come to the realization yesterday that maybe I should pray differently ( now don't get me wrong, God knows my heart and what I am saying) and change my focus just a little. I have been asking, OK begging God to show us what we are suppose to be doing and where we need to be, what is best for me and my family. God showed me last night that I should be asking where will I bring You the most glory, where will I become more like Christ? Where is it going to be about God and not me? I still don't know what God has for us next or when we will go but I am hoping my new focus will give me peace as I seek to serve whether staying or going.

I think I will write this blog tomorrow

2011-04-07T09:07:00.000-07:00

Anyone that knows me even a little bit knows I put things off until they have to be done. If you know me a little better you know just how truly lazy I can be. Of the 7 deadly sins my number one is definitely slothful (with gluttony coming in a close 2nd, but that is another post). If you read my post you can see just how often I don't post. I have plenty of time and lots of things I feel God is telling me to write down. I write beautiful posts in my head while drifting off to sleep and even have great to do lists all planned out for the next day, but alas they never come to pass, just time does. I am not sure why I struggle so with this. I know I am tired a lot and seem to have no energy but I have been a terrible house keeper even when I was young and felt great. I am just horribly lazy. I am also very social, I would much rather be on the phone or better yet out with someone getting coffee and visiting. I know I drive my family crazy with my lack of ambition. I never finished college, I have many craft projects only halfway done ,I have a latch hook rug I started in 8th grade (1980) for Home Ec I have never finished. If my teacher knew she would have flunked me, she was so sure I would finish it a week or two after school was out because I had made great progress in class. I start to organize or spring clean and I stop and things stay in piles to give away, file, etc. and I never finish. I know this isn't honoring to God and I keep saying tomorrow I will do better but tomorrow never happens. I am a dreamer with great plans and no discipline, no accountability, no drive. Even now there are several things I should be doing and yet I sit here and think about how wonderful it would be to go to lunch with a friend or call my sister and catch up. I am amazed that my family doesn't give up on me and neither does my God. I am so grateful for God loving me just as I am and yet I know He has plans for me. I need to get motivated, I need to get up and do something. I need to start moving, just don't know how. How do you change something that is so ingrained into your personality? How do you change who you are? God help I can't do this even a little bit on my own. I need a Savior!!!!! and maybe a house keeper :)

A night in Bisbee

2011-03-28T09:49:00.000-07:00

Friday Paul and I left the kids with My mom and sister and headed for Bisbee, Arizona. Now some may wonder why Bisbee, it is a small little town that as a lot of artists and history and a motley bunch of others. We just wanted to get away and it is a fun little town that is unique. We drove through Soniota. Huchuca City, Sierra Vista, Hereford and Palominos and maybe even a few others. It was a perfect day for a drive. We stopped and had lunch with a wonderful friend at a favorite lunch spot in Sierra Vista...The Bread Basket. They have the best coconut macaroons you have ever tasted. We bought the last 2 and took them with us. We were once again on our way. We arrived in Bisbee and checked in to the Copper Queen Hotel. It is a beautiful old hotel with a lot of history, again something I love. The room was small but I loved the whole feeling of the place. We took a walk or should I say stroll down the main street and looked in all the little shops, we stopped at the visitors centers,looked in antique stores, art galleries and one of a kind shops, all without a single complaint of "I'm bored" 'Are we done yet?" "Can we leave now" or my favorite "I'm hungry" That alone made Bisbee a wonderful getaway for the two of us. We had a wonderful dinner out on the patio of our hotel. After dinner we took a walking tour of the history of Bisbee. It started at 7:00p.m. because most of the history had ghost stories to go with them. I enjoyed the history of the town and all the buildings around it. The ghost stories were neither scary or a problem for me, at least that is what I thought. When we were done for the evening I must admit going to sleep was more difficult than I anticipated. I spook easily so any sound can conger up ideas of what it could be and none of them are of course harmless. I then realized I needed the song from Veggie Tales "God is Bigger than the Boogie Man" My favorite verse in the whole Bible is Psalm 27:1 The Lord is my light and my Salvation,whom shall I fear? The Lord is the Strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid? " Sleep still eluded me because I was so hot but that isn't the hotels fault. We slept in and went over to the Bisbee Coffee Co. for breakfast. Coffee was a great start to the day which was looking to be another wonderful day weather wise. We did some more walking and went the the mining museum. It is what made Bisbee in it's heyday. Mining cooper was big business, my dad used to work for a copper mine. Seeing all the minerals and how they mined everything was fascinating. It was a a great history and very hands on.We stopped at a Tea Shop where the lady made up her own teas, and bought some specifically for allergies and sinus. She had a tea called "Goddess" I would have loved to have gotten some for Carrie. We saw a man carrying a pet lizard that was bigger than a toddler, it looked like an iguana to me but not sure. We saw many interesting people but all were very friendly. We packed up headed out and had a wonderful drive back. We stopped at a little mom and pop place for a late lunch in Soniota. It was a wonderful time away from all the stress of everyday life. It was wonderful to recharge and just be a couple, it was wonderful to experience a place we hadn't had a chance to be before. I am so thankful for a wonderful husband who planned all of this for our anniversary. I am blessed and I thank God for 15 amazing years. Bisbee was a fun trip and I loved every minute of it.

5 Nights in a Hotel

2011-03-22T11:41:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I had the responsibility and privilege to take my mother in law Phyllis to Tucson for a week of radiation. We had to be at the Oncologist every morning by 8:00 a.m. and every afternoon again around 2:30 p.m. We stayed in a hotel that technically had two rooms although there were no doors. The bathroom and sink were in my room and there was only one T.V. in the front room. The hotel had wi fi but only in the lobby or on the patio not in the rooms. In reality Phyllis could have taken herself but Paul and I both agreed that that was not something anyone should have to do. So even though I had to be away from Paul and my kids I packed lots of books and made plans for the week. I have several friends in Tucson and was going to take advantage of the opportunity to see some of them. Staying in a hotel for 5 days isn't my idea of fun when all you get to do is stare at four walls and don't have enough money to go do anything exciting, especially when I didn't have my family to share it with. Phyllis and I don't agree on most of the shows we watch...she can live on Fox News and the Game Show Network. I love The Big Bang Theory (even if I shouldn't). She tends to complain about everything that is happening in this world of ours and I try to be more optimistic. She complains in a joking and sarcastic manner about everything. Every time we went to the Oncologist She would greet them in a grumbling manner and then laugh like it was funny. What bothers me the most about all of this is the fact I could see me doing the same thing. Sarcasm is something I have down to an art form, but seeing it in someone else so often and clearly made me aware of just how much I really don't like it. We tend to think if we say it in a joking way it is OK to say anything we want to no matter how negative or hurtful it may be. I know how much it can hurt and yet I still do it. So the question is...am I really learning a lesson if I gain the knowledge but don't apply it or do anything with it but file it away? I did learn to love my mother in law more. I truly tried to see things from her perspective and realize she is flawed just like the rest of us but still has a lot to offer. God loves her just as much as He loves me, something I say I know but don't always act like I believe. I went into the week thinking I was a wonderful daughter in law and patting myself on the back but I came away with the realization that we all have flaws, hurts, issues and even our good points. Phyllis and I will never be best friends but I can say that I love her more now than I did a few weeks ago and I pray she can say the same about me. I also hope I have truly "learned" something from all of this and not just gained a few pieces of information.

People pleaser

2011-01-31T08:47:00.000-08:00

For as long as I can remember I have been a people pleaser. I love people, and can talk to anyone. Growing up I loved school and church and anywhere there were lots of people. I made freinds imediately wherever we moved to. I was never mistaken for being shy or reserved. Most of the time I love this, however that also makes me a great follower. I hate it when someone doensn't like me or what I am donig. I will try to do whatever I can to make everyone happy. I do not like conflict, and telling someone no is practically physically painful for me. I am a sap! This makes it difficult to follow God I am finding out. I will do what I think...no I am sure God wants and then someone will come along and say something that makes me think I shouldn't. We are to follow godly council and that causes me a lot of conflict. Even in the Bible it seems those who truly followed God went against everyone else. How do you balance that? We are to love as Christ loved, we are to seek godly wisdom from others and yet I almost always get conflicting advice. Even in my own study time I often get mixed signals. I am learning however and hopefully, that when God calls me to do something to stick with it and do it. I may still struggle with the difference of a road block by God and a spiritual attack from the enemy, but I pray that I will keep praying and seeking God until I can tell the difference. I still love making people happy and I love it when everything works great and I look like a great friend or hero ( that is another topic on pride for another day) but I really want to learn to please my Lord and Savior. My list of friends may shrink considerably and that is going to hurt but I have to stand before the Great I AM someday and will do it alone,I want to hear "well done my good and faithful servant" I don't think I will hear that about this last week. Prasie God for His mercy and grace!

Long night

2011-01-12T07:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was going along fine. I knew I had a sleep study that I had to be at by 9:30 p.m. I wasn't allowed to have any caffiene all day : ( I also could not use any conditioner, lotion, mouse, powder, etc. I live in Arizona and it is DRY and cold right now. Not using any of those products was a real drag. I wanted lotion so bad and my hair...remember the science experiment where you put your hand on the big silver ball and your hair stands straight out? I didn't need the big shiney ball. Life was just moving along and then Paul's mom got a call to come in to her doctor right away. When she came home she told me she has breast cancer. Now my mother in law comes across very stoic and removed from showing any tenderness, but I was crushed. I didn't show it, she didn't show it, I don't think she will. This isn't what I expected in the new year, but then I am always getting unexpected stuff, that is life. I do know this is going to be difficult for Paul and his mom both but I think it can be a good thing too. I must admit going to my sleep study was hard. I didn't want to leave Paul and I knew sleep would be difficult. Well I must have slept enough to get the information they needed and I was put on a c-pap half way through the night. I will be getting my own in the near future. Don't think I slept any better the second half but they seemed to think I did. I don't think the c-pap comes in candy apple red with lace so I am not looking forward to sleeping next to my sweet prince in one. I know he will just be glad I am breathing and not snoring, now he can sleep bette also. Life is full of so much and I have a hard time processing it all sometimes. I don't want to just have a hum drum life though and that means embracing the ups and downs. All that is happening makes me appreciate what I do have. Today my oldest son turns 10. We are going to have cheesecake with strawberries and Friday he gets a party with all of his friends. I want to relish each moment and without the difficult stuff I don't think I would appreciate the blessings that I have in abundance. I am going to go celebrate life today!

One takes the bow and one takes the blame

2011-01-10T08:34:00.000-08:00

Everyone has conflict. It is unavoidable. Many years ago I learned that when there is a conflict people want to blame one side or the other (just look at our politicians). It is human nature. We tell ourselves that there are two sides to every story but we still want to blame someone. In a relationship someone is always the jerk or the diva. We say we understand why they broke up because one of them whas just impossible to live with. Human nature is wired that way. We have to have someone to blame, to make ourselves feel better, to save face, to help cope, whatever the reason. It is a part of self preservation. and it starts at a very young age. Listen to children in a nursery or daycare or even your own kids. When someone gets hurt or starts fighting and you ask what happened, they all want to point a finger and say "they started it" or "it wasn't me". We try and teach them responsiblity and accepting fault but it is so hard, even for adults. We do not like to take the blame at least not without explaining why it happened first. There was a song out many years ago by the Statler Brothers (my all time favortie group) that is called One Takes the Bow One Takes the Blame. It is about a a couple getting a divorce ( I am not condoning this) and the husband is telling his soon to be exwife that he know someone has to be blamed and he will do that. Everyone can say it was his fault and let her off the hook. It was very admirable but sad. Most conflict isn't that cut and dry. We do not see things clearly, we see them through our own hurts and failures. I truly believe that no story is completly true. Only God knows the truth 100%. He knows the heart and the hurts behind all the failures and conflicts in our lives. However sometime we have to take the blame and let stuff go. It is difficult. I have seen others do this with great grace and mercy. God knows their hearts and the truth. It shouldn't matter what others may think, but it does. Oh to have the grace to take the blame and just walk away so others can go on. Lord give me the strength to let go and not feel the need to excuse my actions and point fingers. I have blown it and I am sorry. I will take the blame.

Healing

2011-01-06T08:12:00.000-08:00

I am always surprised by how much pain I can feel from something that has happened a long time ago. I think I am ok and have moved on when something can trigger it and it all comes back fresh and very real. I try to move on, I try to forgive. I even think that I have forgiven, and maybe I have. But if I have why does it still hurt so much? I tell myself and my family that life hurts. We are going to feel pain. I know we live in an imperfect and flawed world. I know that sin and Satan are very very real. I know my need for my Savior. If this life were perfect I would not need Christ and Heaven, I would not look forward to it.Without the pain I wouldn't appreciate the wonderful blessings I have. If life were always the same I would become numb to my needs and the needs of those around me. I also know that when I hurt I cling to my Savior, it is where I should always be anyway and I tend to slip away without even realizing it. Satan wants me to focus on the bad and forget what God has called me to do. I wonder if the harder something is the more likely it is that I am doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing. If that is true then I am doing exaxtly what God wants and I can't worry about what others think. I need to please my Savior, I need to be in the middle of His will and not my own. I need to move out of my comfort zone and get on with what I know God had called me to do!! Will it be easy? I doubt it. Will it be pain free, absolutly not! Christ suffered more than I can ever imagine.If I suffer even a little I pray it is for His glory and never my own.Onward with what God has called me to do!

Resolutions

2011-01-03T08:32:00.000-08:00

The New Year is here. A time of reflection and looking forward. A time to make some changes and hope they stick, aah that is the snag. It seems we wait for January 1st so we can plan all these great things (eating better, exercise more, get organized, spend less, stop smoking, etc. etc.) How long does it take us to blow it, a few days, a few hours? What amazes me is that we ( maybe I should say I ) give up so easily. Why? Of course we blow it, but why not try again? Why do we wait for the New Year? If I decide to start eating better and on January 4 I get a Big Mac and milk shake do I just quit trying for the whole year? Do I have to wait for a Monday? Why can't I just get up and do better for dinner instead of waiting. We tend to make excuses even as to why we wait ie "it is the weekend and I am running around so much, I will eat a salad Monday" I can order a salad at any fast food place I go to. I choose not to. That is were the problem lies, 'I choose" Change isn't easy, starting a new habit isn't either, it is doable though. I don't have to wait for any special day or time. I don't have to wait for the summer, or school to start, or even the New Year. I keep moving forward, I keep trying, I find accountability, I find encouragement. I don't give up! So while I have made a few resolutions ( most of which I have already messed up) I still go back to them.

1. I want to loose weight and eat better
2. I want to stop yelling.
3. I want to be more encouraging
4. I want to spend more time in the Word and prayer
5. I want to let those I care about know it.
6. I want to be more organized and less messy.

I will blow it,I will have to start over, but I will not give up! Don't stop trying, don't give up. Anything that takes work is worth it! Happy New Year!

Trying to catch up

2011-01-02T13:56:00.000-08:00

I was just looking at my old posts and realized it has been way to long. With me spending more and more time on facebook I tend to neglect my blog. This is not a good thing because I love to write out what God is speaking to me and it helps me. When I write it down it makes it real and I tend to be more accountable. I have had so much going on that it is hard to write it all down. God has been moving in my life and in my families. We are very excited and a little scared. That is good because I depend on Him more when I get scared and know I can't do it alone. I need to get back on track with writing everything down also. I tend to forget what I learn and what God is doing ( just like the Isrealites huh?)
We have now been in Safford for 3 years. This has been my wilderness time. I am not sure it is over but I can see us moving forward again and that gives me hope. These 3 years have been necesary for both myself and Paul. It has been hard and long but without it I would not be who I am today. I have heard over and over from God "TRUST ME" Most of the time this is all I have gotten. I feel like I have cried out over and over. I have pleaded, wepted and even screamed "when, why, how long" Again and again I hear my Lord say 'TRUST ME" . He isn't loud, He isn't rude, He doens't get tired of me asking (thank God for that). I have told Him " I do trust You, so lets move on" I then realize that maybe I don't. If I did would I still be whinnig so much about the wait, wouldn't I trust that it isn't time yet.? I am learning to let go. Now it is time!

Paul is going back to seminary.This time for his MDIV. He is called to be a pastor not a music minister. I have known this almost as long as I have known him. I also knew that God had to show him and tell him when not me. He has applied and been accepted to Golden Gate Baptist Theological Seminary. He will be taking classes on line right now but eventually we will move again. We are ready, even if I am a little scared. I don't like change. Funny I know when I have been dying to do something new. I have gotten a better appreciation for my Mother-in-law by living with her. I see her better now and hopefully love her more.

God is moving me more also.I will be speaking to minister's wives at the end of January. This is a burden I have had for a long time but knew it had to be God's timing and not my own. This will stretch my faith in ways that it never has before. I am stepping out it complete trust of Him. He has to do this through me or I will fail! I do not want pride to go with me. I want to be totally used by my Savior! I want Him to be glorified and not me!

Well that is my last three months in a nutshell. I will be better about this and much more is coming. I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. Doesn't matter really, this is between me and my Savior. If you are reading this. Please keep myself and Paul as well as our kids in your prayers. We have a lot happening and only God can make it happen. Have an amazing New Year, I know I will!

Parent Teacher Conferences

2010-10-22T10:43:00.000-07:00

Three children...three parent teacher meeting, all in two days. I must say Paul is a great dad and tries to make all of them, he made two of the three this time. All three are doing great with their learning and their attitude, well most of the time. Jennifer still likes to act like a teenager. We are so blessed and are thankful that all three are trying and their grades prove it. We love most of their teachers also. One teacher is dingy and disorganized but being Levi's teacher helps because he is so self motivated. Jennifer charms most of her teachers and has a crush on one of her teachers ( I don't think he has a clue, which is good) Nathaniel is charming and and his teacher adores him. He loves school and I am so glad. Levi excels at all he does and is starting to enoy reading more. Jennifer continues to improve with being pushed, I hope they will challenge her in middle school as well. We have lots of time to pray for that. They are all growing up so fast, I can't keep up. Being involved in both schools really helps. I can see and hear what is going on, what they are learning, how they are treated and who their friends are. We are trying to give them a solid foundation because we know the pressure out there and the lies they are often taught. We want them to stand firm in their beliefs and be lights in a very dark world. I thank God for giving me all three of my kids and love being their mom and seeing them each excel and grow in their own way. I can't wait to see what the future holds for each of them...I better get back to praying for them and me, I need it.

Surgery for my baby

2010-09-17T07:46:00.000-07:00

Well, Jennifer is on the road to recovery and that means so are mom and dad. I have seen Jennifer go through 6 surgeries now and I never like it. As a mom I would much rather it be me going through the pain. The one good thing this time is she was old enough to understand what and why it was happening. When she was young it was so difficult because she would be in pain after surgery and she didn't know why it all happened. I will never forget the first time she had surgery at 4 weeks old in the NICU. She was in so much pain afterwards and she had a nurse that blamed me for her discomfort. I was so upset and it still brings pain when I think of it. I am happy to say that this was a much better experience. She wanted this done and knew what to expect...as much as she could. The IV had to be done twice which was no fun for her and dad almost couldn't handle it. Seeing his little girl in pain was too much for him. She asked to see her tonsils when she woke up and the nurse ( Sara) said she would have them waiting in a cup for her. I am glad that Jennifer has that kid of curiosity, it serves her well. Sara kept her word and when we met Jennifer in recovery there also were her tonsils. They were about the size of a grape and pink and bloody...sorry. I am glad we got to see them also. I don't think Paul was as thrilled with the idea. Jennifer has also been amazing with the whole "I can't eat" thing. I am so proud of her. She hasn't really complained or whined for food. She is happy to have ice, Eegges, juice and popcicles. Her biggest problem is talking...yes she is my daughter. The more she tries to talk the more uncomfortable her throat gets. Not talking is very hard for her even though she has a wipe board. She is loving all the attention she is getting. Grandma and Aunt Bobbie bought her stuff and so have several others. She is so loved and I am blessed because of it.
The hardest part of all of this for me as a mother as been trusting her completely to someone else and trusting God to take care of her. I don't know why this is hard. God loves her far more than I do and only wants her best. But I don't see things the way God does most of the time. I want her to be comfortable, He wants her to be more like him. I was talking to a very good the other day and she was saying that God was telling her, "you need to let go of your child completely, so they can fall into my arms" That is so hard to do as a parent, but it is what God wants. I keep finding out just how hard I hold on to my family. You would think I would learn not to. The pain of letting go or putting them before God is so hard and yet it is something I struggle with daily. My children will be far better off in God's loving and safe arms more than anywhere else. If I truly want what is best for my children and want them to be more like Jesus I need to learn to let go and give them to God. Jennifer is doing just fine in His arms and she is learning just how much He really loves her! As a mother can I ask for more?

The Necessary Evil

2010-08-27T08:55:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling a lot lately with church. Now listen carefully to me before you freak out or turn me off. I love church. I have gone all my life with very few exceptions. I have been loved on, lifted up, refreshed, blessed, and felt the presence of my Lord and Savior. With all that said...I don't find it to be enjoyable any more. It must be me. The bible tells me I am to worship and it isn't about me being entertained or feeling all spiritual and weepy after a service. I try going in with giving to God and not "what's in it for me" I think what is bothering me the most is the politics of church. I have been a member of several churches in several states and even a few different denominations. It is all the same. The theology may be different but the politics are all the same.We say love each other, we say forgive one another, we even say that we do love "so in so" but let me tell you, actions speak louder than words, and our actions are anything but loving! We are ugly, mean, holier than thou, proud, etc. I think church is a place where we judge each other, gossip instead of pray and have huge power struggles over who is in charge. We must break God's heart and Satan must love it. I believe the reason churches struggle so much is because we let Satan. He doesn't want churches to even survive little alone thrive. I am tired of mediocrity and settling. It isn't enough and God doesn't want it. I keep thinking maybe the next church will be different. I will not stop going to church. I know the benefits and the command to go. I know it is a great foundation for my kids. If nothing else they learn that Christians are flawed and very imperfect and need a Savior. I just wish we would stop playing church and wounding each other, and acting like the pharisees who are so much better than everyone else. Stop playing church and really pray and let God work, I think we would see miracles happen if we did.

summer recap

2010-08-04T20:53:00.000-07:00

Summer is coming to an end in the O'Dell household. I know it is still well over 100* still outside and the bugs are in full force but school starts again next week. No more sleeping in, although my kids are up at 6:30 most mornings now, no more sitting around in our pj's, no more "I'm bored". All this will be replaced with getting up and hearing "I'm tired and want to sleep", "I can't find my shoes", "do I have to go to school?" I will try to stay calm and encouraging, we will read our devotional most mornings, I will attempt to make good breakfasts and lunches, I will probably fail miserably at least several times a week.

Our summer has not been typical for us this year. Paul had 2 surgeries so we stayed around home most of the time. We had our own camp homefront for the 2nd year in a row. We saw lots of free movies down the road, the popcorn isn't free but it is still a great deal. We got to go swimming a few times had VBS and just enjoyed being together...most of the time : D My cousins came to visit for a few days and that was a real highlight for us! The kids have all grown (Levi is wearing 14 slims and he is only 9). They are changing before my eyes and faster than I would like. Nathaniel starts kindergarten in a few days and I am not sure how I will handle it. He is very excited and that helps but boy is the house going to be quiet. I need to seriously be on my knees before God. I also need to do some spring cleaning...ok getting rid of a lot of crap. Anyone who knows me knows how well I keep house.I need to start using the wii active again. I will have plenty to keep me occupied, can anyone say facebook lol. I won't have a cute little boy bugging me though and making me laugh, I won't have to take him with me to the store and hear "can I have that, can I have that, can I have that?" I will get to hear all about school from his perspective, and that will be fun. I know this is a milestone for both of us and it needs to happen. I can't stop it. For as long as I can remember I wanted to have kids, I never thought of the painful times that would take place. School is bittersweet and no matter now many kids I had I would eventually have to let them all go. They are God's anyway and He can take care of them so much better and loves them more.I will have to be brave and let them all go. One day they will go to college and them what will I do? I will get through this and God will hold me. I don't know how anyone makes it without Him. Anyway, I am glad we had this lazy summer to enjoy being together and I know Nathaniel as well as Jennifer and Levi will have great stories to share, besides I am a parent volunteer, I will be at the schools almost as much as the kids.

Jealousy

2010-05-06T10:02:00.000-07:00

What do you think of when you think of jealousy? Usually it is a green eyed monster that makes us crazy beyond all reason. It isn't something we like in our spouse...at least not in extremes. Well I have been dealing with it in a very different way for the last several years. It started slowly, when I first moved away from my family by more than just a couple of hours. We were called to ministry and moved to Ft. Worth Texas. For me it was a very difficult adjustment. To say that I am close to my family would be an understatement, they are my whole world. Moving just proved it. I was so home sick, but not only did we survive, our marriage was better for it. Paul and I learned to be a family unit with just God and the kids. It wasn't easy but it was needed. When seminary was over and we were called to Florida I was ready. I had already been away from my family for 4 years now. I was excited even though it meant being even farther away. We came and fell in love with the people of GGBC in Callahan. We knew this is where we were suppose to be...again, just like seminary. I became very close to the people of our church. I was always told you don't do this as a ministers wife. Let me just say I AM NOT SORRY! They were and continue to be a blessing to me. However God was still teaching me much about jealously. We serve an amazing God. The Great I Am! He is also a jealous God...jealous? Really like a green eyes monster? I don't think that is the way it works with Him. Yes He is jealous but it is a righteous jealousy because He loves us so much and wants what is best for us. When He is not first...no when He is not everything to us, we are going to suffer. He doesn't want that. He doesn't want us to hurt. He knows what we need. Anyway, I was close to God and growing every day, but I was also depending on my coffee ladies and a few others more than I should. God didn't want to be one of the most important things in my my, He wanted to be the ONLY thing. I rarely went to Him first. I would talk to my sister or a friend. I would ask them to pray. Then I would think to do it too. I remember hearing very clearly, God saying " if I took away your coffee ladies and the support of this church would you still praise ME in this storm or any storm?" I said " of course but what a silly unnecessary question." God took them away with in a matter of a couple of weeks after that conversation He and I had. Let me just say at this point I had be praying and fasting a lot. God knows our heart and He knew I was still very dependent on others.

Most know just how painful leaving was. It felt like a divorce or death. It was and still is at times a very real hurt. I had never hurt like that before. I said "OK God I get it, You are not going to share Your place in my life. You are number one". Well that was short lived. My sister became my life line. We talked daily for at least an hour. We would share what God was showing us and pray. It also got to the point where I called her any time I panicked, was stressed, worried or even excited. I wanted to share everything with her first. Now I don't believe God took her from me to say ha ha and it is all your fault she is gone. No I know she was ready to go. God did use it again to show me...ME first. I created you I love you more than anyone.come to ME!!!

I have been away from Callahan for over 2 years now and Carrie has been gone for almost 2 years. God even scared me with the idea of losing Paul. I do not have any really really close friends here. I believe the reason is God is still trying to get it through my thick head. He doesn't share His glory. He knows my heart. I want more than anything to make Him my all and all. I pray for this...have been for years. He is answering too. I truly believe once I put Him first and keep Him first, He will give me a close friend again. He will give me the desires of my heart. I just need to stop letting others share His spot. "You will have NO other gods before Me. You shall not make for yourself an idol or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth. You shall not worship them or serve them, for I the Lord Your God am a jealous God. Exodus 20: 3-5

Please hear my heart. Friends and family are a must. I long for the day I have a friend locally I can talk to every day again. God just knows where I am right now and what He is teaching me. I need to run to Him first for everything. The prodigal did not run to a friend or even his brother, he ran to His Father. That is what I want and what I am learning. Look what it took for the prodigal son to run to him...I hope I don't loose everything in order to see my need to run to my Father first and only for saving, mercy and grace and forgiveness.

God please be my everything!!

Grieving

2010-04-09T09:43:00.000-07:00

Right now I am grieving. Some wonderful friends in Florida were killed in a car accident. One of the hardest things for me is that I am not there to share the grief with the rest of the family and friends, It sounds selfish but I feel alone in my grief. I want to be there hugging, praying and crying with Priscilla, Amber, and so many more. I loved Linda. She was an amazingly strong woman. She had been through so much and still had a sweet spirit. She was in our Beth Moore bible study at my house when we lived there. When we moved she asked if I thought it was all right that she take over as the leader. She didn't feel she could do it but she wanted to. I was thrilled and I know she did great. She was part of my coffee ladies that I still miss so much. I have a beautiful poncho that she knitted for me as Christmas gift. It is soft, warm, and a wonderful camel color. I ues it all the time. My sister even threatens to take it from me. I alway thought I would ask Linda to make another one and I would give it to my sister. I guess I took too long to ask. She also made dish towels. She wanted to sell them to make some money. I loved them and wanted to buy a few. She didn't wnat me to pay her. That was just the way she was. I put some money in the basket at her home anyway when she gave me the towels. She and Earl will be so missed. I have been trying to write to everyone I know and let them know how much they mean to me. I am only starting the C's right now. I hadn't gotten to the L's . I wish I had. I will let her family know how much she meant to me and hope I move a little faster through my list. I don't want to miss another chance to let anyone know I love them. I still want to be there. Alone in your grief is a very hard place to be.

I am Living Proof (part 2)

2010-04-07T09:08:00.000-07:00

It has been a few days and I am finally taking the time to write down some of what I learned from Beth Moore. What is sad and all to common with me is, I forget so quickly. I had such insight and excitement while I was there ad I couldn't wait to get home and start living the way God wanted. I am embarrassed to state that nothing seems to have changed and I had to go back to my notes (thank God I took them) to refresh my memory.

Most know that I want to do big things for God. I feel I have a lot I can share. I need to be honest, that is true but I would love to feel important too. It feels great to be loved, admired and even closer to God than most. Oh, how prideful and God will not share His glory. I know most in ministry struggle with this or maybe it isn't a struggle, but I can't compare myself to those who seem to have it all. God knows their hearts. It is frustrating to see others succeed when I know they are proud too, again not my place to do anything. God knows my heart and what I need to learn. What God has for me, is just that, only for me! The tomb alone is empty not my life. Christ's tomb is empty so I can be full. My calling is too big for me. I NEED God to accomplish it. I can not speak for God when I don't even comprehend what is happening. Think of Job, he didn't try and explain what was happening. I can not assume to get it. I need to live like the new creation that I am in Christ, not the old one with no hope.I serve the God of creation the Great I AM. I don't want to get to heaven and think I didn't think big enough of my God. He rose from the dead, He created everything I see. He can do so much more with me than I am letting Him do.

Now let me say I still hate waiting and I still don't know what the next step is. I feel I am willing to take the next step if I just knew what it was. Pray for me. Pray that I will hear clearly from God and take the next step.

God is bigger than we can ever dream, so DREAM BIG!!!!! He can handle it.

I am Living Proof (part1)

2010-03-31T11:59:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me very well, knows that I love doing Bible studies, especially Beth Moores. She is not only knowledgeable but has an excitement that is contagious to me. I love digging into God's Word with her and learning so much. When I found out that she was coming to Tucson I was wanting to go. I got tickets for my mom and I and started waiting for March 26th to come. When the weekend got cloes I realized that I was going to miss Jennifer's Olympics and Levi's pinewood derby ARGH!!!! I wasn't happy but I knew that I was suppose to go hear Beth and let God speak to me. I prayed, I prepared ( not as much as I should have though) I packed and I was ready. I did go to Jennifer's sportsday to get ready for the olympics and watched Levi make his car. I left them notes and told them I loved them and I was off. Note that I did have a lot of guilt still and hoped my kids wouldn't hate me.
Mom and I got to TCC early and parked. We then proceeded to find a place to have a relaxing and early dinner. I was so excited I was trying to pray that God would speak to me and not just act like some crazy groupie or fan. When Travis Cottrell came out and starting leading worship I knew that God was present and I wasn't going to be disappoined. He truly wanted to lead us in worship and not just show off his singing abilities. I love to worship through music. It is one of the most fullfilling ways that I connect with my Lord and Savoir. I purchased one of Travis's CD's so I could continue worshipping long after the conference was over. I knew most of the songs (amazing in itself) and the ones I didn't just hit me and I loved them. I could have left then and been filled. I also knew they woudl sing again at the end of the night and Sat. a couple of times. Wow, and Beth wasn't even speaking yet. God came and He didn't disappoint.
When Beth came out she seemd very real and aproachable. She was not all about herself but about her Savior. She wanted us to draw closer to our Lord and hear from Him not her. I learned and heard lots of things. I am still processing a lot of it. I tooks tons of notes, and purchased a couple of books, not just Beth's. I have so much to still share and learn but this will have to continue on the next entry.
I am living proof that God is a God of grace and mercy!

14 years of wedded bliss?

2010-03-10T13:57:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was our 14th wedding anniversary. I remember the proposle and wedding very well. I loved all of it. I felt I had waited forever for that moment to arrive. I love my husband more that words can say. I wouldn't change being married for anything. It has been an amazing journey. But happlily ever after? Not always, not even close sometimes. I knew marriage was work and no one was perfect, but wow, we have been through some very painful stuff. What surprises me most is the fact that we have grown the most through the hard stuff. I have gotten stronger and hopefully more christ-like through the crap we have had to deal with. We are closer and communicate better because of it all. Paul has seen me at my worse and I have seen him at his. We still stay together and we don't just do it to prove a point. We stay together because we want to. We are more in love now than ever, Does the romance get lost? Yes sometimes it does, but knowing we have stuck together and will continue to makes me feel safe and loved. I will always want more romance, more snuggling, more talking, but I will never want that with anyone else. I love my sweet prince. I waited a lifetime for him and he was and still is worth it!

Random thoughts

2010-03-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

I think this week will get back to some kind of normal around here. Paul is finally doing better. I am catching up on all things housewifey. No one else is sick, and Nathaniel and I might even make it to the library.

Tomorrow is our 14th anniversary. Paul isn't well enough for any night out. I wouldn't trade our 14 years though for anything. Today is a quiet rainy day just perfect for contemplating life and what is next in our wonderful world of chaos.

I am going to add a picture that Jennifer drew at school. It is a self portrait. I am so proud of her. I think she did an amazing job!! She will be the next Picasso I just know it. I couldn't do the job she did. She used pastels. Her Aunt Carrie would be even prouder than I am I think. Carrie was an amazing artist before she lost her sight. I know that is where Jennifer must get it from. Jennifer is also proud. I think it is something she feels she can do well. I hope she continues, maybe I will get her a nice art easle and some pastels for her birthday.

stuck and sickness

2010-03-05T19:40:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about what I should post and nothing comes to mind that is wow or really pressing on me. Paul has been extremely sick this week. He was almost flown to Tucson, which is 2 hours away. I have been praying like crazy. I was asking God "are you really going to take Paul away from me too?" I know I should trust God and only lean on Him but I was really scared. I don't want to loose Paul. I keep trying to depend only on God. He is my strength and I know He is a jeleous God. I just don't want to be tested in this way any more. Every time life starts getting a little stable and I feel I can trust again. Something happens. I admit I am a little gun shy. I still don't get close to people like I use too and I am lonely because of it.

Well Paul is starting to feel better and I have begun to breath again. I did let God know no matter what happens I still plan on clinging to Him and praising Him. I can't imagine not doing that. My strength only comes from Him. Yes I still get scared and I don't want to be tested in this area but I am getting a little peace about letting go. I still don't know if I will get close to any one soon. I would like to try but life is crazy right now and I don't even know where to begin. Trust God and keep Him first always, everything esle is temporary and will fade away. Thanks for praying for Paul, he needed it and so do I.

The Doctor is In

2010-03-02T09:18:00.000-08:00

Green Eggs and Ham, The Cat in the Hat, Horten Hears a Who, and so much more. These are all books by Dr. Seuss. I grew up on them, my kids are growing up on them, I still have my own copy of Green Eggs and Ham. My name is written backward in it. I love reading it and the memories that come flooding back. Today is Dr. Seuss's Birthday. He has made a big impact on children everywhere. How many of us have seen How the Grinch Stole Christmas? The messages in his stories are great, and so fun that kids and adults don't even realize they are learning something. Christmas isn't about stuff, don't say you don't like something if you have never tried it, and even if you can't see something doesn't mean it doesn't exist, everyone is needed and important. So many good lessons. Have a great day and read a little Dr, Seuss today even if it is just to yourself. You can read it here or there, in a house on a boat, with a mouse, etc

While there is still time

2010-03-01T12:52:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking for a long time about writing to everyone I can think of and let them know what they mean to me. After loosing Carrie I realized that has much as she meant to me and I am sure she knew it, I don't remember telling her exactly what she meant to me or why. We always say we will and we regret is when we don't but most of us still don't tell others what they really mean to us. I never told my Dad either. I hope I will learn from all of this. I have already started with my friend list on facebook. I am going to write a couple of people every day and let them know how they have changed my life and how much I care. I hope I get to everyone and I know it will be a long process but well worth it to me. I have been blessed with so many great friends and family. I know not everyone has that. I need to be able to say thank you. It is the least I can do. Don't wait to let someone know how much they mean to you. I know we hear this all the time but it is so true. Also don't assume they know how you feel. I know my dad and Carrie knew I loved them but I didn't tell them enough why I loved them and what made me so proud to call them my family. If you never met my dad I am truely sorry. He was an amazing man with the best servant heart you could find. He would do anything for anyone, even if they drove him crazy :) Family...he was fiercely loyal and fun. No one could make you laugh more especially when he was with my cousin Harry or him best friend Randy. I loved his laugh and his hugs...I felt safe in his arms and knew he would protect me at all costs. I even had friends who wanted him to be their dad. Was my dad perfect...no but he was the best I could have ever asked for...wish I would have told him more. I don't think he believed he was a great dad, sad because he really was.
So if you get a note soon, you will know why. I want to let everyone know how much they mean to me.

Fiddler On the Roof Sing a long

2010-03-01T12:30:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I went to see Fiddler On the Roof at a theater in Tucson, with a great friend. It was a sing-a-long. They had the words on the bottom of the screen. When the theme song started and you could hear everyone singing and knew you wouldn't get kicked out for singing at the top of your lungs it was amusing to say the least. I wanted to laugh, but I admit I loved it too. My dad would have loved it and so would Carrie. It is one of my favorite movies of all time. I have also seen it live twice. My Dad loved singing If I were a Rich Man and dance up and down the hall just like Tevia. The movie has a great story even though it is sad. It makes me realize that my life isn't so hard. .I loved the way Tevia always talked to God. He would have great conversatoins with Him. His love for God and his family was amazing.I am not being forced from my home just because I am Jewish I pray this never happens. I feel sorry also for the commander that has to carry out the orders. He truly likes the Jewish people but is afraid not to do what he has been told to do.At the very least he would have been imprisioned and maybe even killed if he had refused to obey. The Jews are looking for the Messiah to come and rescue them...this was the saddest part to me. They love God and know the Old Testament so well. I wanted to stand up in the movie and say " He has come!!! Can't you tell?" It truly broke my heart. Their love for God was great and yet they are lost without Christ. Their homes were taken and their strength was amazing. Woudl I be that strong if I was told to get out with only what I could carry? Where would I go? It might come to this one day. Will I have the the faith to still trust my Lord? What kind of example will I be to others?
Do I look down on those who believe differently than I do? Would I be williing to stand and say "this isn't right? " Fear is a great motivator. I pray my God is a better one. No matter what happens may I stand for Him!!
It was a great night and I had a wonderful time. My friend and I had dinner before and went to Starbucks after. They even had to kick us out we talked so long. I haven't done that in a very long time. What a great way to end. If I were a rich man?

It's that time of year

2009-12-09T07:22:00.000-08:00

I love the Fall, even though we don't get much in the way of a real season here in Arizona. This is the time of year when I get to spend time with family and reflect on this past year and all that has happened, good and bad. I try and keep Thanksgiving separate from Christmas, something that I am afraid is a loosing battle in this family. The weather is finally cool enough for even me to enjoy. I try and get our children to be thankful and remember what Christmas is all about. I need this reminder as much as they do...maybe even more. I love all the lights, songs, decorations, baking, parties, etc. It is easy to get lost in all the activity that goes on here. I wonder if I would love it as much if I didn't have a tree, stockings, sugar cookies, and Bing Crosby? I would like to say YES! I am not sure though. I do know that I would love to spend as much time with my family as a possibly can. I still miss Callahan, and my sister so much it is a physical ache, especially this time of year. We went to Levi's school Christmas show last night. It was just what you would expect from school children, with all the songs and dancing around. I loved every minute of it. I remember being in them when I was in school. I am so blessed to have a family of my own now that I can do the same things that my parents did. I never thought it would really happen for me. I consider my family my Christmas miracle. Carrie would have sat right there with me and cried the whole time. I wonder what Mary and Joseph felt when Jesus and His siblings sang and danced together. I guess I can be thankful for Christmas even before Thanksgiving and hopefully all year long. Without my Savior I would have no reason to be thankful for all those I miss and I know I will see again. It is that time of year but I pray that we teach our children and others what really matters. When you take away all the lights, and cookies, God came to Earth for me and that should make me sing all year long.

Living the life?

2009-10-14T08:32:00.000-07:00

Went to Mom and Bobbie's for the weekend. Had a good visit with several cousins, my Aunt and a couple of friends. It had been a while since we had been down and it was great to get away. One of Carrie's closest friends came down Saturday and brought Folio. For those of you who don't know, he was Carrie's guide dog for around 10 years. He was the one with her until the end. He is now almost 14 and would have been retired from guide work. He is deaf, going blind, has arthritis, and fat, fat, fat. He loves it. As soon as he pulled up to Mom's he knew where he was and got very excited. It was great to see him but also sad. I have never seen him without my sister. He is happy , very happy. Kellie and her husband have other dogs and cats and they all go for walks every evening around the park. He is loved on and cared for. I think he is good for Kellie too. She and Carrie were very close and caring for Folio helps. We stay in touch and that is great for all of us. I was worried about Folio when Carrie died. He went to another friends for a long time but wasn't happy there at all. I don't think Kellie was happy either. Now both are together and living a life they both love. We all need someone to love us unconditionally, take care of our needs and know we are special. Folio found that and he is thriving ( as much as a 14 year old dog can). I have found it in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, but I tend to forget. Maybe I am deaf and blind all too often to my blessing He pours out for me. I need to only focus on Him. Folio knows he is safe with Kellie around, if he can't see it or hear it she can, she will even carry him when he needs it, like up the stairs at my mom's house. I need to do that. Trust my Savior to hear and see what I can't and just stay close to Him, then I too will be living the life. Even if I am deaf and blind, my Jesus isn't. My life isn't perfect but I can be content, Folio is and his life hasn't been perfect either. I know he is a dog, but it was a great reminder for me.

Forgiven much or little?

2009-10-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

I have been doing a Beth Moore study Jesus the One and Only. I have done this study 2 other times and wasn't going to do it this time. I knew the workbook answers, and even if I did it again I wasn't getting a new book. My thought was just use the old one. Well A wise leader gave me a new book anyway. She knew I would get lazy and not really participate. I know God's Word is alive and always speaking to me but I continue to be amazed at the things I am learning that I know I must have heard before.
Last week week we were in Luke 7:36-50. I have read this "story" many times, I have heard sermons and songs about it. A wonderful story but I wasn't expecting to get a big aha moment out of it. I was wrong.
First, I need to remember this wasn't just a story. We tend to forget that when we read the Bible. This woman was real and so was Simon, they lived and are related to someone today, maybe even me. Second, this woman was a "sinner". That is what Simon thought to himself. Aren't we all sinners? Simon was horrified that she was there weeping and kissing Jesus' feet. Why were her sins so much more terrible than Simon's? Simon was a Pharisee, he was religious, so much better than most, according to him anyway.
Christ told Simon something that clicked in a new and real way to me. Jesus said " her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much, but he who is forgiven little, loves little" (vs. 47) Our churches are full of people who love little. We may not mean to be that way or even realize that is what we are. We grow up in church, accept Christ at age 8 or 9 and go on with life. We don't know how to love much. We were never a "sinner" like some of the people out there and if we were we don't tell anyone at church because we will be condemned. We say we love but it is hard for us. We want our churches to look nice. Christ's followers were not church going Bible thumping choir singing followers. Our churches are failing at loving. We tell ourselves that we are no better and sin is sin but our attitude screams differently. We need to learn to love much. Thank God if you don't have a horrible sin secret or not so secret but don't become a Pharisee and memorize a bunch of rules, and wait for someone to break them so you can point fingers and gossip(which is a huge sin) I would take an adulterer over a gossip in church. Gossip doesn't have to be a lie to be gossip and Satan uses it in our churches like wildfire( sorry that should be another blog). Our churches are hurting because we have forgotten how to love like Christ. We are all sinners and if your sins are not as dirty as someone else's get on your knees and weep gratitude before a Holy God that He protected you! Anyone can be like "that" woman at Jesus' feet. I am, and can't wait to weep and kiss His feet. Lord help me to love much!

Tripped in the Mud

2009-10-01T14:00:00.000-07:00

Last week Jennifer's school called. I wasn't home so we all played telephone tag. Paul finally called me (Nathaniel and I were at a friends house for a play date) and informed me that Jennifer needed a change of clothes because she had fallen in the mud. I was not happy because I was inconvenienced by all of this. She had done this before, she has terrible balance. My friend actually had some clothes she was getting rid of ( one of the reasons for my visit) and they would fit Jennifer, even shoes. I left Nathaniel to play and I quickly drove to the school, to rescue my princess. Jennifer was waiting in the Nurses office, her shoes were outside the door covered in mud. Her pants were bad but her shirt was only a little splattered. She changed clothes, seemed very happy and went to computer lab where the rest of her class was. I took her muddy stuff with me.
When Paul brought Jennifer home from school for the day, he asks me if I know that Jennifer was pushed into the mud? Well this was definitely news to me. Jennifer didn't mention it, the nurse didn't mention it, no one told me anything. I assumed she had fallen. What had happened, and why were we not told? We sat Jennifer down and asked for her to tell us all about what had happened during recess. She said she was not pushed but she was tripped, "by who," we asked. She had no idea who it was. She did tell both of her teachers. She said whoever did it got a pink slip. This is a bad thing that most kids try and avoid all year long. When you get a pink slip you get a visit with the guidance counselor, the principle or both.
Even though I was furious for not being properly informed, I was amazed and impressed with the way Jennifer handled it. She was not in tears when I got to her, even though she was covered in mud. She had let the proper authorities know what had happened. She told us what had happened as best as she could with what she saw and knew. She didn't blame anyone, if she wasn't sure who it was. She was OK with the whole thing.
Oh to be more like my precious daughter. When life knocks me down why don't I take it to my Savior? Why don't I tell Him what happened and let Him take care of it? Why do I want to get even and mean, complain and scream "it isn't fair"? I don't see the whole picture either and yet I am so sure that it is terribly unfair how I am treated. Satan is going to try and trip me, sometimes he will succeed. I need to take it to Jesus and let Him handle it. Get cleaned up and go on with what God has for me to do.
By the way she got a written apology the next day from the boy. God took care of her better than I could have. I would have hurt the kid, but that is another story.

Jelousy and envy

2009-09-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning in a really good mood. I have been doing an in depth Bible study and have really been praying and seeking after God. Life is on track and I am excited about what God is going to do in my life and in Paul's.
Then I checked e-mail. I received 2 different updates from friends who are as opposite as possible. One is in California and is a working professional and the other is in Florida family who literally live by faith in all they do. They both sent updates on what all is happening in their lives. This doesn't happen often either, my friend in Ca. does it maybe once a year at best. Both updates were exciting and full of the things God is doing. He is moving in mighty ways on both coasts and it is wonderful to see my friends being a part of all He is doing.
Satan is alive and well. When I read both updates, I immediately got upset. My good mood vanished and I pouted. Why are they all being used and not me? I am ready, I have been waiting for a very long time. I am seeking. It isn't fair that amazing things are going on with them and I sit in a basement in Safford Arizona checking off the days. I love these friends and yet I find myself asking "why them and not me, are they so much better than I am?" I shouldn't be surprised at these feelings. Satan doesn't like it when we are praising God and in His Will. I know I am getting there. I stopped and started praying Scripture. I know God has plans for Goldie O'Dell and they are wonderful. I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I know He loves me beyond anything I can comprehend. I was letting Satan bring me down. My friends are hearing from God and doing what He has called them to do. I can not do what they are doing ( one signs at worship conferences). I almost let my day be ruined be my focus slipping down and not staying up. I will be honest, it still hurts a little and I am frustrated to sit and wait. I feel I have waited a long time and learned a lot, but apparently I am not ready to move on. So I wait and praise, and wait and praise. God owes me nothing and only He knows what and when He wants me to be used by Him.

WARNING...menopause is the topic

2009-09-24T10:25:00.000-07:00

Well let me just say that I was not prepared for what I thought would be menopause. I saw the musical after all, what more did I need, the soundtrack? My mom had no problems, just stopped around age 41...poof, so not fair.
I started having perimenopause symptoms almost 10 years ago. No doctors would take it seriously. I was told all the time "I was too young". They didn't listen to my symptoms, hear my family history ( mom was very young) or would even run tests. They didn't see a reason. While my cycles and symptoms started really going crazy so was I. Finally six months ago I had my doctor do blood work ( just to humor me). When I went back in he was shocked, my tests confirmed what I already knew. He just kept saying "but you are so young" I should be grateful that he thinks I am too young. I also was not aware of just how many symptoms there really are. I knew about hot flashes, I have had them for a few years now. I know about the messed up cycles that will not let you leave your house at times, ( a lot of times you can't even leave the bathroom). I have heard a little about the depression. I thought I was just going through so much in the last couple of years that that was the reason for being a little down in the dumps. I don't sleep well at night, and I don't want to get up in the morning. I have no energy and then I feel guilty for not getting things done. I didn't know that my memory would be sooooo terrible. I can't remember anything and feel stupid. At least I know I am married, have 3 kids and where I live. My favorite symptom is the menopause acne. I never had acne in school. God was kind to me. Now it looks like I took a brillo pad to my forehead. I don't know what to do and my pride is totally embarrassed about it. Makeup only works a little. I feel much sorrier for teens with this problem than I ever thought I would. The last issue I have I was so not expecting. My family is complete. Paul and I agreed about that after Nathaniel was born. Paul had it taken care of for us and I was OK with it. Now that I know I am done ovulating, (I don't miss the bleeding at all, although I still have the cramps at times,) the idea that I am finished is more depressing than I ever thought it would be. I can cry just thinking about not being pregnant ever again. Seeing a new born really can set me off. I think it is just the idea of being too old and I hate it. Paul thinks I am crazy of course, and maybe I am. I hope these symptoms go away soon. I don't want to be like Sarah and Abraham...but a baby?
I need prozac and prayer!

I'm back!!!!

2009-09-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

Well, Summer is way over, the computer crashed, and life has been crazy. I am now up and running (make that walking) on our old computer. The summer came and went and I am not sure where or how. Levi did learn to swim and even earned his cub scout, belt loop and pin for it. I reconnected with some old friends through facebook and got to spend a couple of days with some of them in Phoenix, and some of them in Tucson. Paul is still having back problems and I think it may never change. It is hard and it affects all of us. Jennifer is defiantly a preteen with mood swings and attitude, She is hungry and stealing food more and it hurts and frustrates me. Levi is at a charter school this year and only goes 4 days a week. I don't think he likes it any better but he loves the 3 day weekends. Nathaniel is still into everything and tires me out just watching him and saying no. He would love to be in school but isn't ready to sit still and pay attention. He needs an old T. V. to take apart and play with. I am still seeking God and waiting on Him. I am not good at this and I am tired of being in my mother-in-laws basement and living in a Mormon community. I hope to keep up again, because this is much needed therapy for me.

Mother's Day...three perspectives

2009-05-10T00:44:00.002-07:00

When I was a little girl, I loved Mother's Day. I loved trying to make breakfast, and plaster hand prints for my Mom. Dad was fun to watch too. He always wanted to surprise Mom with fun gifts that would make her feel special. I knew I had the best mom you could ask for. Anything we made she said she loved, no matter what it was, even if she couldn't tell what it was suppose to be. She was happy with a peanut butter sandwich too. When I got older, I often wondered if she really loved all the homemade gifts and cards as much as she claimed. Then I had children....
When I became a mom for the first time it was Mother's Day weekend. I went home from the hospital without my daughter, and my mom was with me. I was thrilled and hurting the first time I got to celebrate on the mommy side of this holiday. I now have three kids and I know I am blessed beyond belief to be able to celebrate Mother's Day. I now look forward to the plaster hand prints, bookmarks made in scouts, and cards that I can't always read. I understand my Mom more now and appreciate her more than I thought I ever would seeing Mother's Day from the other side. I know my mom really did love all those gifts, flowers and cards. I can't imagine spending Mother's Day without my children.....
This is my Mom's first Mother's Day without my sister. I can't fathom what she may be feeling. Bobbie will try and make it as perfect as possible (she is like Dad) Bobbie will want to make a wonderful lunch, find the most amazing gifts and find the most beautiful flowers. She will stress over it. I am not there, and maybe I should be. I do know no matter what we do my Mom is going to hurt, it is inevitable. I can't make the pain go away or pretend it isn't there. I don't have the answers. I am praying, and praying and praying. I have learned how my mom feels a lot by how I feel about my own children. I hope I never have to out live my kids, but if I do I will have a much better idea of what my Mom is feeling. I wish I had made a plaster hand for my Mom this year...I think it might have been the perfect gift! I love you Mom.

Jennifer

2009-05-08T10:08:00.000-07:00

Well Monday was Nathaniel's birthday now today is Jennifer's. She is 11 today. She is all girl...moods and all. She is already acting like a teenager. She is having a girly party with NO boys ( ie her brothers) they can give her presents after the party at home. She can start crying for no apparent reason...at least as far as daddy and her brothers can see. She is very emotional and still loves pink more than ever. She and 3 friends are getting their nails done today. She will then come home and watch High School Musical. If she is like this now what will she be like when she is 15? Do I want to know? NO, I try and take each day as it comes. I look forward to enjoying the days ahead. Sometimes I still get glimpses of my little girl (she still loves to color, just like her mom). Sometimes I get overwhelmed at wondering what the future holds for her and us.Will she ever be independent, will she get married, will she alway be hungry, etc. I try and lay it all at God's feet and LEAVE it there. She is a joy and she drives me crazy. I am going to write a childrens book called The Cranky Princess (Princess Ju Ju). I am going to dedicate it to Jennifer and my sister Carrie. I think is might be a good reminder for me as well. I am a princess to the King of Kings and I can get very cranky. I wonder what God thinks? Am I a joy and do I drive Him crazy? I see so many parallells in our lives. God uses Jennifer and the boys to show me so much. I love being a mom I just need reminding sometimes...Praise God, He doesn't need reminding that He loves me, even when I am cranky....See you after the nail party :D

2009-05-04T14:34:00.000-07:00

Nathaniel

2009-05-04T13:47:00.001-07:00

Four year ago today. I went to the Dr. for a check up. It was Wednesday and and Paul was graduating with a masters at Southwestern(with honors!!!) after 4 long years. I was going to watch him graduate!! I may not have taken the tests or written the papers but I was with him in ministry 100%. I had lived on little money and no spending (something I was not good at but was learning),I prayed on my knees for him and us,I had taken classes and was learning a lot too, I was an officer for the wives club on campus. I was with him all the way and proud!!! I was excited this Wednesday, everything was going great. I had a maternity dress that was given to me new for the graduation. My pregnancy was going great...better than the last two. Then I have my blood pressure checked and it is high...way high!!! They have me lay on my left side...no good, still high :( They then tell me I am not leaving. As a matter of fact they tell me to call Paul (we only had the one vehicle) and tell him he better meet me at the hospital next door, with my bag(not packed).I hadn't eaten all day and now I wasn't allowed to. I was not happy or nice about that. I had a c-section at 6:00 p.m. (still hungry). Nathaniel and I didn't get home until Sat. evening...after graduation and Jennifer's birthday party. I was bummed but I couldn't complain, I had NATHANIEL!!!!!
Now today he turns 4 years old. He is always running and full of energy. He has a great vocabulary and wants to be just like his big brother. He is getting a bike today so he can ride like Levi. He wants to know everything and he wants to know now! He tells me that he loves me ( something I never get tired of hearing) and when ever I am sad he asks if I am missing Aunt Carrie, or Ms.Dana. He is wise beyond his years and I love it when he bugs his brother and sister...I remember those days myself. He loves to do it himself...most of the time, and loves being a big kid, but not too big ( his words not mine) He likes staying home and playing or the park. He want me to get little so I can play more with him. He is a delight, and exhausting. I thank God for him. I didn't think I would have a third (we tried for 2 and half years) God is good!! I often tell my children I know God loves me, and the reason I know is because He gave me 3 kids...I am blessed!!!!
I love my sweet baboo!!!!

forgiveness...but

2009-04-29T09:56:00.000-07:00

I thought I was pretty good at forgiving (yeah me) but I found out I am not!!!! The last few years have really put me to the test with forgiving those that hurt me. The last few months have just challenged me even more. Now this last weekend was it for me. I worked at a woman's weekend down it Tucson. ( more on that later) There was one person in particular that really drove me crazy. I found out just how unforgiving I can be. I can say I am sorry to someone pretty easily, however that is usually followed with an "I am sorry too" from the other side. Makes it easier to forgive. It is sooooo much harder to say I am sorry when the other party either doesn't accept it, or they say something like, "yes you should" and act like they are owed the apology ( what happened to me over the weekend.) I got snippy with one of my team mates ( I know hard to believe) she was bossy and rude and never said she was sorry. She acted like she was never wrong. I had to apologize to her (God insisted) and she just said( forgotten and walked away) Let me just say how very hard it was not to want to "explain" why I snapped at her (God didn't say I needed to do that) It seemed all very unfair to me. Let me also say she did this to several people over the weekend. She was very demanding and never wrong. Then I thought of Christ on the cross when He said "forgive them Father, for they know not what they do" WOW! Christ was perfect and never did anything wrong and He forgave. Most never accept what He did for us.I can assume most who saw Him say that and die thought "He can't forgive me, I have done nothing wrong". Most of the world has never said I am sorry to God. Why do I expect more. Christ's followers can be the worst (I was at a weekend with Christen women. My sister says we are all diseased sheep. I think she is right. Satan sure knows where and how to attack. I know people who say that they have forgiven someone ten years ago,and yet when they talk about it you can tell they are still hurt, angry and haven't let go of the grudge. I don't want to be like that!! It is hard not to want to give your side or justify why you were hurt and angry. I don't think that is what God wants most of the time. For me, truly apologizing, or forgiving can't include I am sorry...but. I know my heart and motives and that is not true forgiveness. They next time I need to forgive someone or say I am sorry ( and it will happen, probably with another diseased sheep) I need to stop after the apology and leave the but out. I also can not assume that they will say it back. walk away and let God heal me. No more buts. when I say I am sorry. I can only take care of me and what God is telling me...so hard. Let Him heal my hurts and trust Him. Christ does it all the time!

what happened?

2009-03-23T16:26:00.000-07:00

I can not believe how time gets away from me any more. I think I will do something soon ie... dinner, read, write, call, blog and next thing I know it has been, hours, days or weeks. I know they ( who are they anyway :P ) say time goes faster when you get older but I have couple of issues with that. 1. I am not getting that much older/ 2.why does it do that? I want examples. 3. Time is time and I have the same amount now as I always have (you know 34 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 day a year. I think the real problem is I am just busier and I am going in so many direction. I can't seem to decide what to do next, I just want to start all over with nothing and try again some days. Maybe I would keep up better if I could start again...probably not. It is like keeping my house really clean and organized...it never lasts (sorry Grace :D )I try a schedule and I end up loosing it or not following it, kind of like a diet ( a bad word by the way ) I can not promise I will keep up any better than I have been, although I have some great stories to share ( spring break, boy scouts pine wood derby, Nathaniel's point of view, etc.) but I will endeavor to do better. Now I have to go make dinner before time gets away and my family has to diet.

lazy

2009-02-26T12:38:00.000-08:00

I know there are 7 deadly sins...truthfully aren't all sins deadly? That is why we need Christ. Anyway that isn't what I was intending to say. Out of the 7 deadly I can tell you that the one I struggle with ( OK it isn't even a struggle,,,) is slothfulness. Although gluttony runs a screaming second. You would think being a stay at home mom I would accomplish so much. Nope, the more time I have the less I tend to do. I work much better under pressure. You can see how I have neglected my blogging. I love doing this and it is great therapy for me but....lazy!!! I have lots of projects started or running through my mind but most never get completed. This runs in my family, my mom will agree with this about me and herself as well. I need help. Any one that has any great advice or better yet scripture I can pray over and over I would really appreciate. I need to break free from this and I need accountability. I don't need nagging, judging, or complaining....I can do that myself. I know God doesn't like a sloth, hence the deadly sin. I don't like being this way but don't have the will power to stop. It is like going on a diet YUCK that isn't even a fun word. I need Mary Poppins out look for cleaning and any thing else that requires energy and gumption. Thank God He loves many anyway but I know He doesn't want me to stay this way....now off to do more laundry and maybe something else:0

tattoo

2009-02-23T13:38:00.000-08:00

I have a tattoo....some of you are no doubt surprised. I was :D Growing up getting a tattoo never entered my mind. So here is the story of how and why things changed and I now have one.
3 years ago (aprox.) I stared really spending time with God in a new way for me. I was seeking Him, reading, praying, fasting, needing to draw close and have a fresh outlook. I didn't even know why I just knew God wanted more of me. I have never had good self esteem. I didn't date (not even prom). More than once I was told I was "nice" but...Looking back I know God protected me from a lot. I really started getting "IT" I am beautiful!!!!! God loves me, He is in love with me, He thinks I am breathtakingly beautiful!!!! I don't think 99% of us really believe that and it is sad. Paul is a wonderful husband, but he isn't perfect, I don't get as many compliments as I would like, I don't always feel like I am pretty to him ( my problem not just his)But it doesn't matter what anyone else may think I am beautiful to the GREAT I AM!!!!! Doesn't that just blow your mind? I have the tattoo as a reminder of what God thinks of me. In the Old Testament, they would put up memorials to remember what God had done. My tattoo is my memorial of what God has taught me. I pray I never forget. How can I with my beautiful reminder! By the way Paul does believe I am beautiful too. You are beautiful too, and if you need a tattoo...go for it :D

aah haa moment

2009-02-02T11:10:00.000-08:00

I always joke (and I am not alone in this)"don't pray for patience". It really goes for anything. If I pray for more faith, what is God going to do to increase my faith? Just wave a magic wand? I doubt it, give me situations to give me faith? YES!!Praying for anything, faith, strength, patience, humility, compassion ( I did this and I now live with my mother-in-law :D )is going to get us things to teach us how to have these. Look at the fruits of the Spirit. Try praying for that and see what you get. God usually puts someone or several someones in my life to make me more like Him. He wants us to have unconditional love, He wants us to forgive.Unfortunately that is how we learn, or at least attempt to learn. I was being sooo spiritual yesterday at church and was praying for God to help me be nice to someone that drives me crazy and I got a huge aah ha moment. Not fun but huge... I am that someone that so so prayed for when they needed to be more compassionate...OUCH! I am teaching someone patience, unconditional love, etc. and not by being a godly example but because I rub someone the wrong way? Say it isn't so. How humbling, how painful, how embarrassing, how unfortunately true.

computers and me

2009-01-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

I know the research and sayings about couch potatoes and television but what about computers? I am not that computer savy, even though I have a blog, check e-mail and live on facebook, but I know I spend too much time on it. Lately my passion for God has been fading, and I couldn't figure out why. I know we all go through times like this, but I wanted to know what might have triggered it for me.... I believe now some of the problem is my computer (facebook in particular).Now don't get me wrong, I love facebook, that is the problem. I love staying connected to everyone I love and miss, and there are a lot. I can spend lots of time wading through all the comments, pictures and updates, and next thing you know I have been sitting at my computer for a couple of hours, especially if I blog. I can also find it depressing when I miss everyone so much. I am not spending time in God's Word enough (I rarely spend "enough" time) I am not praying as much. I am whining about everything and everyone I am missing. I am sure God loves my whining. I need to get more disciplined and put God first not facebook. Sometimes I think all this technology isn't a great thing, at least not for me. It is like all the prepackaged junk food...not good for me either. Way to easy to eat unhealthy and get fatter, which I am doing also, but that is another blog. Do me a favor, first please pray for me that I will return to my first love...Jesus, and second if you see me on facebook ask me if I have spent time with God first. I need the accountability! Thanks

stuck...praying for help

2009-01-22T07:55:00.000-08:00

It is a good thing that my New Year's resolution wasn't to keep up with my blog more...I would be sadly failing. Well that is what happens to most resolutions anyway. Nathaniel just found a box of packing peanuts, and is having a grand time with them. My sister and I would make faces on them and have wars with each other. I miss that kind of creativity and I am glad that Nathnaniel is now playing with something so simple that he has to use his imagination.
We as a family all had Monday off so we headed to Wal-Mart...isn't that what everyone does with there day off and family time? Well Paul planned on stopping at the river bed first. Something I was not told or prepared for. I wore flats and long jeans. The river bed has very soft sand and water (equals mud). The boys loved it, and I am so thankful that all three were playing together, trying to skip rocks, get wet, etc. There wasn't a lot of water so you "can" drive down near the edge. Not something encouraged by most unless you have a ATV...we have a minivan. Well we got stuck. I had just used at least two dozen wipes to clean my shoes, feet, jeans, and hands, and now I had to get out and help dig us out. The sand was all the way up to the door on the front of the van. Paul found some boards ( probably from someone else getting stuck there) we dug, and dug, and dug, the kids helped. I told the kids lets stop and pray. Jennifer and Levi were not so sure about this but Nathaniel was all for it. We held hands, Nathaniel and I prayed, the others chose not to. When we finished Nathaniel asked if "Jesus was going to help us dig now?" I said ,"He just might". In less than two minutes Paul was able to back out and get unstuck,(by the way I never complained to Paul about any of this, it was actually kind of fun). I stopped and said "thank you Jesus" mostly so the kids could hear and see that God does care and answer. Nathaniel imediately said "mommy Jesus just said you're welcome!" I loved it!! I bet God does love it when we say thank you, and if we listen I know He says "you're welcome". Oh to be more like a child.

All of this was so much more fun than Wal-Mart or staying home watching T.V. Thank you Jesus for a great Monday with my family!!

birthday boy

2009-01-12T12:20:00.001-08:00

Levi is 8. It is hard to believe. He is tall skinny and brilliant! He loves science and solving things. His party is at the end of the week. We are going to be doing experiments, and investigating things. Paul is in charge of that part. Levi is shy and loves his family. He takes good care of his brother and sister. He asks questions that I can't begin to answer and has a faith in God that amazes me. He does complain about school being boring and life not being fair. He always wants whatever toy is being advertised. He is an advertiser's dream. But he quickly moves on to the next new things. He is a lot like Paul but there is also a lot of me and my sisters in him. He is very creative and I don't doubt that what ever he decides to do with his life he will be able to accomplish. He is always coming home with girls phone numbers. I don't let him call them, he is still way too young. I am proud of him and I thank God for such a wonderful son!!

2009-01-09T13:16:00.000-08:00

Jennifer's IEP ...So proud!!!

2009-01-09T12:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we had Jennifer's IEP (individualized educational plan). We have one of these at least once a year and sometimes more. All of her teachers, therapests, Special Ed. director and Paul and I were there. It was long and there was a lot to go over. Reading and understanding some of those reports are really fun. She was tested, observed, talked to and every thing else you can think of. To try and put it in words that make sense isn't easy so bare with me...she is doing great!!!! They are very impressed with her abilities, and wanting to succeed. She is spelling on grade level! Her reading is her strong suit. She is averaging at a 7 yr. old but compared to her testing and others she is over achieving! A lot of children platue at this age and parents do not push to succeed. We try and expect more from Jennifer ( the teachers said) than most parents. She can tell time and her math and writing skills continue to improve. She is very social and the other children are starting to include her (playing tag etc.) . When we go to the store it seems everone knows her and says hi.
We know that God is the reason for all of this and we give Him all the praise. We know that it is a hard road we are on with her but we are sooo blessed. She had great teachers in Florida, both in school and church (THANKS VICKI!!! ) Holly was also alway encouraging. We have been very fortunate and are grateful. Eating is still a concern and she seems to be getting bigger. Her teachers did say that she seems more active and is running more. I am trying to keep her and I motivated (pray for us both). She is at the very highest end of mild retartation. I know God gave her the teachers she needed everywhere she has been and again I want to say thank you. She really is my "sweet cheeks" and a precious princess. I am soooo proud of her!!!!!

by the way as a side note she is very "normal". When asked to draw and talk about her home life, she drew a girl that was usually happy but complained about having to clean her room and too many chores :D
Paul and I just laughed about that.

Christmas pics

2008-12-31T09:48:00.000-08:00

2008 the end is in sight

2008-12-31T09:33:00.000-08:00

Today is the last day of 2008. I don't want to be depressing but I for one am glad it is over. I thought that 2007 was hard (and it was VERY) but 2008 was also painful. Maybe I just need to focus on God more. I do know that 2008 was a year of changes and a lot of healing. This is something that Carrie and I talked about a lot. I just didn't realize that I was going to have so much more to heal from. Every year shows me new things. I pray that I am learning from them. Carrie had shared with me that she was learning "not to waste the pain" I think this is good advice. Everything that I have gone through has taught me something, even when most of it was difficult. If I don't learn from it I may just have to go through something like it again. NO THANKS! I pray that I have learned and 2009 will be full of new growth but maybe less pain. This world will never be prefect (not even close) so I shouldn't be surprised by the pain it causes. God is merciful and graceous and I need to be very thankful. My family was sooo blessed for Christmas. We did nothing to deseve all that God provided and yet we had an abundance and was even able to let God use us to bless others as well. I pray that instead of "resolutions" I will try to be even more Christ like in 2009 and He would be able to use me for His glory what ever He sees fit for me to do. I pray that everyone has been blessed and that you will continue to seek God, He is the only source of true blessing. See you all in 2009, at least in my heart! Thanks for hanging in there with me. I thank God for all of you.

Kids are home for 16 days....but who's counting

2008-12-22T10:13:00.000-08:00

Well Christmas break started Friday at 12:30 p.m. to be exact. By 5:00 p.m. Levi was officially "BORED". Arguing abounds as well as "stop touching me", "it's not my fault", "he did it not me", "when are we going to..... (fill in the rest) and my very favorite "MOMMMY!!!!!!!"

Oh what a wonderful time of year!!! I look forward to Christmas every year and as Carrie would say "this is what I always wanted, what I live for and what she would have given anything to have"
I know that teachers love Christmas break and so do I, I truly do. I also remember being "bored" a lot and whining ( a Borden trait that runs deep in our DNA) to my mom. I am sure she thinks this is funny and sweet justice. I do have some fun things planned for our days, unfortunatly today was a bust because my keys are locked in my van and Paul is at work with the only other set, maybe I should ask for another set for Christmas just in case I do this again. We were going to a free showing of The Bee Movie now I have to rethink things. Today is now a spring cleaning day ( I am sure my kids will love it :D We will make candy cane cookies and listen to Christmas music. If all goes well we might even get to a game.

I really am glad to have some time with my kids, they are already growing up too fast. I must say there is also something to the song "It's Begining to Look a Lot Like Christmas" where the lyrics say " and mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again" Only 14 days to go but who's counting?

My helper

2008-12-17T07:48:00.000-08:00

Nathaniel is very good about letting me know just what a good helper he is. If I give him a compliment or encourage him, he isn't surprised, as a matter of fact he expects it.

Example is

"Nathaniel thank you for helping me with the laundry, you are a good helper" me
"I know I am a good helper" Nathaniel
"I don't know what I would do without your help" me
"You probably couldn't do it without me" Nathaniel

I guess I didn't do any laundry, dishes, etc. before he started helping, or I am just getting too old to do it alone.
He is confident, and sure of himself. I love this and hope it lasts. He is also looking forward to Christmas. This is the first time he is understanding anything. Unfortunatly he understands the gifts the most. He does love doing the Nativity Advent Calander also. I am praying that we all get what it is all about, not just the gifts. He is excited about giving the presents he picked out though, it is a start and I will take it. He really is a great helper and so are Jennifer and Levi. I am blessed to have all three of my kids!!!!!

Christmas...what happend to the miracle

2008-12-12T10:07:00.000-08:00

I just saw an ad for rollover minutes and they called it a "Christmas miracle". I have a real problem with this. We live in a society that thinks it is ok to murder an unborn child and yet rollover minutes are a "miracle" I have a hard time even asking God to forgive us for such things. I sometimes think "just give us what we really deserve" I am more than grateful that I serve a merciful and gracious Lord, I certainly don't deserve anything good that I get. I don't think we spend enough time trying to grasp what God has done and what Christmas is really about. I can ask my kids why we celebrate and Levi will quickly answer "it is Jesus' Birthday" but he says it like he is bored and doesn't really care. I know that I must change so my family and friends can see why I celebrate. We have several ornaments that have Christ as the theme, a children's nativity set, a advent calander that tell's Christs birth, we put money in the bell ringer red kettles, and we attend Christmas Eve services, but I still feel it is only a passing nod that we do so we can have fun with the cookies and gifts. I am praying that God would change me and help me to really celebrate the true miracle of this Christmas. I honestly think of the cartoon version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas and wonder if I could have everything taken away, would I still wake up and sing because I am celebrating Christ's Birth. Try watching the movie from a new perspective and praise God for sending Christ to us...we certainly do not deserve such a miracle, thank God He sent Him anyway!!!!!

Thanksgiving is getting ripped off

2008-12-10T13:13:00.000-08:00

Well it is definatly December and Christmas. Paul and I go round and round every year about when to start decorating. He loves to do it Thanksgiving weekend, and jokes about startingeven sooner, he tried to put up a wreath in October. I like to wait until at least Monday after. I like to enjoy my Thanksgiving as just that and not rush Christmas. It seems to me that Thanksgiving is lucky to get a passing nod on the way to the chaos of the Christmas madhouse. We complain that Christmas is too commercial and exhausting but we run willingly to get there just as fast as we can. Our kids are too greedy but we don't stop and explain Thanksgiving or even enjoy it ourselves. Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday growing up ( that and the 4th of July) neither is full of "stuff" but they are the 2 times I remember spending time with all my family. I am very social and I thrived on these times. I also wonder even though Christmas is suppose to be about Christs birth if God is pleased with how most of us celebrate it. I know God wants us to be thankful and I think He may be saddened by our rush to just get through Thanksgiving so we can start shopping and singing Frosty the Snowman. Honestly we should be thankful all year round and sometimes we are the least thankful this time of year with all the stress, and busyness of the season. Remember even though Thanksgiving is over to thank God and try to enjoy all those parties ( it means you have friends). Just for the record we didn't start decorating until Dec. 3. We did listen to Christmas music on our trip to California for Thanksgiving. I call that compromise, Paul may disagree.

the 2 day stress test

2008-12-08T13:45:00.000-08:00

Last week ( on Mon and Tues to be exact) I had to go the the hospital here in town for a two day dye stress test. I thought I knew what to expect, but life is rarely like I expect it to be. I had no one to watch Nathaniel like I thought that I would ( oh to be in Callahan with all my friends who could help out) Almost everyone here works and isn't home to help out, at least not that I am aware of. So off I go with Nathaniel strapped into his stroller that he is way too big for, but it keeps him contained, which is exactly what I needed. I get an IV and then they strap me up with every wire imaginable. I start to feel terrible and am then told "oh, by the way we have given you a chemical to basically force you to have a heart attack" yeah me! I was so dizzy, my legs hurt, my head hurt, I felt like I was going to throw up, and then they tell me my face in very red. Thank God no pictures. I took the maximum time to "return to normal". I still felt terrible. They told me I had to go eat a "fatty" meal and suggested buger, fries, and a shake. Now normaly this would thrill me, not today. I didn't even think I should be driving. I went with Paul and Nathaniel and had lunch. Thank God Paul took Nathaniel for the next part. I had to go to radiation and get scaned with all the wires again. My arms above my head at an uncomfortable position. No talking ( for me this was hard ), moving, sleeping for 20 minutes. On Tuesday I got to repeat most of this but without Nathaniel (found someone) and they didn't force the heart attack this time, still had the needle with dye, fatty meal, and the scan. I am so glad that it is over!! At least I am aware of the symptoms if I have a "real" heart attack.
Today I got the results... and praise God I have no major blockage right now. I am at a low risk, but they will reevalute me every 6 months because of my family history. I can at least enjoy my cookies and fudge this Christmas! Thanks for the prayers, they helped!!!!

Thanksgiving

2008-12-04T13:13:00.000-08:00

Well I am fianlly back. We went to California for 4 days. My mom and sister went with us. Our minivan was full, trafic was packed, and the drive was LONG!! Would I trade it for anything...NO!! I had a great time and loved every minute. My family is large, loud, and very affectionate. My poor honey was lucky to survive. I know he had a good time but not as good as I did, and he is probably happier to be home than I am. I am glad we went. It made Thanksgiving easier for all of us. The hardest part was the tea party my aunt gave for all girls and women. Carrie would have loved it. The kids did great, although they had a hard time keeping up with who was who. Nathaniel kept asking who we were related to and I said everyone. He just sighed and gave up knowing names. My cousin-in-law (is that a real word?) Jen Borden was great with the kids ( she probably felt overwhelmed at times too) Nathaniel LOVED her...thanks Jen! I can count 37 that we saw and that isn't all of them ( all from my mom's side). I will say now that I am not a kid I see more of the imperfections. When I was a kid I thought my family was perfect. They aren't but they are still better than anyone's I have met. They love God, they are loud, they would do anything for me and I am truly blessed to be a part of them. I think Paul just tries to live through it. I know he loves us but the noise is hard to take and all the hugging if you are not use to it. I know I have much to be thankful for and my family is right at the top! I also learned a new card game that I would love to play. I need to live closer to Rocky and Marcy. Paul even stayed up late to play ( of course he won and he never played before either) I am not good at most games but I love to play. I just enjoy being with people. I really had a great time and would go back next week if I could, I can hear Paul saying absolutly not!! He needs to recover first, maybe for the summer.

women of faith weekend

2008-11-24T20:14:00.000-08:00

I am back from my weekend get away. I had a wonderful time!!! I really needed it. I expected God to speak and He did, but in several areas so I am still processing and listening for more. I got to eat at In and Out and had to call my cousin Jim and tell him because he doesn't get that where he lives and really misses it. All the ladies that went had a good time and I believe we all got something from it. I laughed, cryed, danced ( I am a good Baptist), praised, listened, ate and so much more. God is so good! His grace is truly amazing and something I loose focus of way too easily. I complain, whine and my attitude stinks. You think I would stay focused more, but I let busyness, laziness, and selfishness get in the way too often. I need to worship God and not worry about what others think. They may look at me and think I am crazy, singing , dancing and talking with my Lord but so what. It is what I was made to do!!!!
We are going to California for Thanksgiving and I have lots to still take care of. I hope everyone is truly thankful. I know I have an abundance to be thankful for. Enjoy and stay focused on Christ.

weekend away

2008-11-21T07:38:00.000-08:00

Today I am leaving for the Women of Faith that will be in Phx. I can't wait. Just to get away will be nice. There are 9 going from my church and we leave in just a few hours. I love my family but I know most of you can appreciate that I need a little time away every once in a while. I am a stay at home mom and rarely have time for just me. Paul doesn't usually understand this need. He gets put everyday, although it isn't for pleasure. I am also a lot more social than he is. In his defense he may not "agree" that I "NEED" this time away, but he still lets me get away, even though it makes no sense to him. I am praying for a renewing, and direction from God, not just entertainment. I can't wait to hear from my Lord and really worship Him. I am blessed. Got lots to do so I am signing off. Catch you later! Pray for me

moving mountains

2008-11-17T08:08:00.000-08:00

God has once again been speaking to me. Something I am both grateful for and amazed by, even if it isn't always easy to take. Most of us, including myself only pray half heartedly unless we are in soooo deep we are beyond desperate. American churches ( there are exceptions) have settled for mediocrity and shout hallaluiah about it. We don't see God at work because we have taken HIM for granted so long it is all we know. Our pastor talked on this yesterday and I really was convicted. I pray when I am nodding off in bed, I praise God lukewarmly ( and we all know what God does with that...Puke!) How often do I fall to my knees...literally and worship or cry ABBA FATHER? God loves me and wants a realationship with me. He loves to hear me worship Him and cry out to Him. He will move mountains, He is the God of miracles STILL. God doesn't need me to defend Him, He is a big God and He can handle it. If I pray and the answer is no I don't need to "explain" to anyone. God can do what He wants to when He wants to.
God has been speaking to me for years about something He wants for me and I keep putting it off and making excuses as to why I am not doing it. Well no more! God will provide and equip for what He calls. I am trusting and believing in the God of creation, my Lord and Savior!!! I am not a "name it and claim it"person. I don't expect perfect health, or great amounts of money, but My GOD will provide all my NEEDS!!!!!
Pray and expect to hear from your Savior!

2008-11-15T07:48:00.000-08:00

Today I am going to spend the day cleaning(yipee). Our interim pastor is coming for lunch tomorrow. He is truly a gift from God. I love his heart for God and our church. He loves the little kids all the way up to the grouchy set in there ways club. He helps us focus on what we as individuals need to be doing and not condeming on judging. He is so in love with his Savior it is obvious. He is a true blessing and I am glad for the time I have to spend with him. God is teaching me a lot through him.
As a side note I have a dye stress test scheduled for Dec. 1 and 2nd. This is just precautionary because of my family history. So far everthing looks good. I will keep you posted, and thanks for the prayers

cardiologist

2008-11-13T14:46:00.000-08:00

Today I went to the cardiologist, yippe!! I had a couple of ekg's done and a stress test. I am having another stress test with dye in my heart next but I am not sure when. I get to see the Dr. every 6 months. I was the youngest one in there by at least 15 to 20 years. Even the nurses were asking why I was being seen. Well for those of you who don't know let me tell you, heart problems run in my family like wild fire. Dad was 52 and Carrie was 44 when they passed away from heart attacksm and they had had them before then as well. I was also having symptoms last week so I decided better safe than sorry. Our family has been through enough for now and Bobbie (my sister I treasure!!!!) ( she hates that) and mom are glad I went and I am getting everything checked. I know I have really high cholesterol and the dr. said I should consider exercising (yuck) can't afford a gym and no one at home wants to do it with me. Although it would be good for Jennifer too. This is not fun with the holidays coming. I do not need my family "helping" me when I go to California for Thanksgiving. I want to enjoy my stuffing and pumpkin pie! I can eat healthy as a new year resolution....I promise ;0

we're back

2008-11-12T07:56:00.000-08:00

Well we are back from our visit with friends in Sierra Vista. We had a great time catching up. This is where Jennifer and Levi were both born, so I always love going. It is a great size town, not too big or small. The weather was a little cool which of course I loved. I enjoyed Sunday worship. I have always gotten something out of Mark's sermons, and this time was no exception.
If I want to really be head over heals in love with my Savior I need to spend time with Him and act like I am in love. Nothing else will completly satisfy me. That doesn't mean my life will be perfect and trouble free! I think that is something we tend to forget, especially here in America. We feel we are owed something, or if we could just get a little more we would be ok...WRONG
This world is full of sin and hurting, broken, imperfect people, even christians. We need to remember that and keep our focus on Christ. We need to show the world that even with hurts and trials we still have a reason to sing and praise God. The world is desperately looking for answers. are we showing them what it can be like to fall in love we Jesus?

my sister

2008-11-06T19:23:00.000-08:00

Monday was November 3rd. My sister Carrie would have been 45 years old. I was going to write then but I was in the emergency room all day with a uti, dehydration and symptoms of a heart attack (that is another story). I also realize I probably would not have felt like writing then any way. It was exactly 5 months since she was found dead in her apartment. Sometimes it feels so long ago and other times it seems like I was just talking to her.

For those of you who didn't have the priviledge to know her I want to share a little. This may not matter to you but it does me a load of good! She was not perfect, she could be very grouchy, nasty, and even down right mean, but I usually needed to hear what she had to say. She loved tea and tea parties, she loved earrings, and not just normal ones either. The bigger the better and if they were unique that was the best. She loved to write and dreamed of being a published author one day. I have several of her writings on a disk. She had the best memory in the family. We are all in trouble now because none of us remember anything without her. She LOVED her cute kids (Calvin, Jennifer, Levi, and Nathaniel) !! All of her friends knew their stories because she was so proud of them all. She was a great massage therapist, blind, and a great listener. She was the best at praying with me. She had 3 tattoos and her hair style and color would change often. She was a belly dancer that I never had the pleasure of seeing perform, I was always to far away. She loved her Savior passionatly!!! Most of you have already heard this but I needed to do this. Our family is still having a hard time and normal will never be the same. My kids still have her phone number memorized and I can't delete it from my phone.

Thanks for letting me share. My next entry should be more uplifting!

Nathaniel's point of view

2008-10-31T08:31:00.000-07:00

This morning Nathaniel and I were running around playing tag. We started running down the stairs (ramp really) to get to our part of the house, when he told me I couln't run. Now I have done this many times before so I was a little surprised at this. I asked him why he could run and mommy couldn't, it didn't seem fair. He said without any hesitation (I wish he would have at least a little) that I was fat. I even asked again to make sure I heard right. He said again that I was fat and couldn't run down the ramp I might get hurt. Now I will be the first to admit I have gained all the weight back that I had lost last year (something I am not happy about) but I didn't think it was THAT obvious. The worst part of the whole thing is I started laughing and immediately wanted to share the story with Carrie. She would have rolled!!!! I know I can post it here and I am grateful but most of you will not appreciate it the way Carrie would and besides I don't get to hear laughter. Well this was suppose to be a fun post and now I am getting depressed so I think I will go chase a little boy. Apparenly I need it!

sweet tooth

2008-10-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Levi wanted to help make a snack for his boyscout troop, so he could earn a badge. He also likes to eat and make anything that is junk food. The snacks were a hit. We made marshmallow lollipops ( this is a real recipe that I found on line). They were all orange, green, white, and red, very sweet (too sweet if you ask me). They don't usually get snacks at scouts. On the way home Levi was talking about the lollipops and said in all seriousness "which tooth is my sweet tooth? I have heard about it but how can I tell which one it is?" He has a loose tooth and I should have said that was the one. Maybe that would help cut down on the junk. I just told him that it was an expression we used. Then he asked "if he had a sweet tooth"! Come on, it is sooo obvious that he does. He loves sweets, maybe he still didn't believe me about it being just a saying.

Tuscon trip

2008-10-29T09:45:00.000-07:00

Monday and Tuesday I went to Sahuarita and Tucson. Time for my braces to be tightened. I go to spend Monday with my Mom and Bobbie. I always love this. I get to laugh a lot and it feels good. My sister is a treasure, even more so now. She does not like sappy stuff so I don't get mushy with her but I know that she feels the same and we do talk about it, especially since Carrie is gone. We don't want to lose each other. We do joke about who gets to go next. It better be me!!! I don't want to go through any more for a LONG,LONG time!!!
Tuesday Nathaniel and I went to Tucson and after my appointment we got to spend most of the day with my friend Meta. She is a true friend. She has been through a lot of her own crap and is a great source of inspiration. Her faith in God and her love for others is very real. She also took Nathaniel and I for a ride in Rocket. That is the side car of her scooter named Stella. She took pictures so hopefully when I get them I can share them. Nathaniel looked great in the leather jacket and helmet. We had a blast. She also has one of Carrie's dogs, Thor. It was good to see him. They are taking good care of him and he seems very happy.
It was a fun couple of days but it is also good to be home. We have a busy week and lots to do. I will chat again soon.

what am I owed?

2008-10-26T16:23:00.000-07:00

I have been asking God to show me what He would have me learn with all that has and is happening in my life this last year or so. You all know that I am trying to be content in ALL circumstances and that I know God is telling me to wait on Him and trust His timing. Well now there is more stuff that He is showing me. It isn't always what I want to hear but I know that I need to and I am grateful that I am hearing from God. I don't feel that I am going through a dry spell with God; I hear Him just fine, praise God. As long as I stay focused on Christ and His Word I do ok, even when everything around me seems unfair and difficult.
We live in a society that teaches us "it is all about me" and '' nothing is my fault, blame someone else". I may not understand why a lot of things happen to us in this world, but I do know that the God of everything, the great I AM is in control and He does not owe me a thing. We live in a sinful, fallen world that is full of Satan and his demons. This life is not all there is (wether we believe it or not). This is Satan's playground for now but God will overcome!!! If God never gave me anything else from now until my death I would still be blessed beyond measure!! Because I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior and have admitted that I am a sinner lost without Him ( Ephesians 2:8-9, John 3:16) I have eternal life with Him!! He didn't have to give it to me but He loves me enough to do it (He loves YOU too!) We are here because God loves us and wants us to worship Him. He has blessed me in so many ways here on Earth that I should never complain. Remember this in the only Hell a child of the King of kings will ever know... but it is the only Heaven a lost person will know. It is all a matter of perpective. I pray that everyone who reads this is a child of The Great I AM. If you have any questions please ask!! Your life is at stake. I love you all! I am blessed!!!

evil men prosper

2008-10-23T19:02:00.000-07:00

I have heard a lot about the economy and how unfair and angry people are about things happening here in the U.S. and with the election. I have heard about the AIG people spending absurd amounts of money at spa's after the passing of the HUGE amount of money to bail them out. Let me say I do think it is wrong. However the first thing that honestly went through my head was, " that is as good as it gets for them". If they do not know Christ as Lord of their life then they will eventually perish and spend eternity in Hell. I have eternity with my Lord and Savior and that is better than any spa can cost! I need to pray for such people and remember why I am here. Christ doesn't owe me anything. He was perfect and He suffered in ways I can't even imagine. I am blessed beyond messure ( my family, food, running vehicles, health, etc.) and I am not even in Heaven yet! Remember God is in control and for some people this is as good as it ever gets, let them have a spa, they will suffer for eternity. Stay focused and tell others of Christ, please!!!

raisins and sunflower seeds

2008-10-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Nathaniel and I went shopping. It takes a while because he is 3 and potty training (he did go at the store and he even told me he had to go without asking !!!!)also I try and find only what I need and is on sale. Money is tight so I try and be creative. With the holidays fast aproaching it is even more difficult. I try not to buy junk but a lot of times it is a lot cheaper and makes the money go farther. Not good for us to eat all that junk, especially Jennifer. Anyway I have raisins andI also have sunflower seeds. They are still in the shell, which makes it more work, but they are cheaper and keep Jennifer busy so she doesn't eay as many. It works for me too. Nathnaniel just likes to get into things and make mischif ( have I mentioned that?).
This is when I need Carrie here to tell it too and she can laugh and give me a better perspectve. Apparently, I left Nathaniel to his own devices for too long. I went into the bathroom to make sure everything was ok and I found the sink drain stuffed with raisins and sunflower seeds, all wet and very messy. I was NOT happy and didn't sound too happy when I found it. Carrie would have laughed until she choked, and then told me this is all I ever wanted. Of course she is correct and today it does seem a lot funnier than last night. I need to learn the proper perspective sooner I think, especially since Carrie isn't here to tell all of Nathaniels exploits too.
Have a great day and don't take messes too seriously. God is great at cleaning them up...I know!

The Fair

2008-10-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

Last weekend we took the kids to the county fair. I use to love going, I was even in 4H and FFA for a while. We went on the last day of the fair. The kids had a ball. They loved the rides especially Nathaniel. We were not sure if he was ready but he proved to be a little dare devil and loved every minute. We tried to go to the exhibits and all the animals were already gone, I was bummed. There also was not the amount or variety of arts, crafts and food that I remember. I guess as a society we just are not doing those kinds of things any more. Sewing, canning, etc. used to be a necessity but now it is a dying art and it isn't cheap. It doesn't make economic sense like it use to. We also do not teach our kids how, Moms work and we are too busy to bother. It is sad to me that the fair has changed so much. My kids had a great time but all that they cared about was the midway, that use to be my least favorite area. We are so entertainment driven that we don't seem to enjoy the simpler things. Boy am I sounding old! I am glad we went and I know that we made great memories for our kids and I guess that is what is important, and besides it got us away from the TV for an afternoon. That in itself is a good thing for all of us! Just spending time together made it a great fair!!

long day

2008-10-17T14:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was very busy for me. I took Nathaniel to story time, something he loves to do. Yesterday however he wasn't interested in sitting still and listening. In a loud voice while the librarian was reading Nathaniel asked "aren't we done yet?" I was a little embarrassed. Thankfully the librarian knows us and knows Nathaniel usually loves to listen. I think the problem was he knew we were going to the park afterwards. He has been begging for a few days. We usually go at least once a week but when I got sick it stopped.

We also had friends over for dinner. This is the first time. I don't invite people because it isn't my house. Now let me say, my mother-in-law is great about giving us space and making us feel welcome. I just don't feel like I can have company very easily. She is visiting her sister so yesterday was perfect for it. We also had friends over that she dosen't care much for.
We had a good time but I was very tired when all is said and done. I do love my mother-in-law and I am very grateful to her for letting us move in, especially with the economy like it is. I think this is good for all of us here. God is teaching me a lot with my mother-in-law, but that is for another blog.

hard day

2008-10-15T09:03:00.000-07:00

Today Nathaniel and I are cleaning. He loves to help. He is also the reason for a lot of the cleaning. When he takes a bath it is like a tidal wave in the bathroom. Paul said we may even have to pull up the tile because water is getting under them. Nathaniel is now wearing underwear ( Diego to be exact) if I tell him to go he is fine but it I don't tell him about every 30 minutes then we have wet clothes. He still doesn't care and just says he needs clean ones. Sometimes he doesn't even care they are wet and I have to make him change. He loves dancing around the room naked and singing. He also loves to tell me stories.
Today is hard for me. I got Jennifer and Levi ready for school. Jennifer has crazy hair day so she has 5 ponytails all over her head. As soon as they were gone I wanted to call Carrie and tell her about Jennifer's hair. It seems to be getting harder not having her here. Everything I always share with her is just building up. Nathaniel told me not to cry Aunt Carrie is just moving to her new house and we can see her soon. Such wisdom from him. Levi still has here phone number memorized, that is how often we called her. He has known it since he was 4. I didn't expect today to be hard. It took me by surprise. I have others I talk to but it doesn't replace Carrie.
Now that Nathaniel isn't wearing diapers I miss having a baby. I know it sounds crazy, it just makes it real that my kids are growing up. I love that Nathaniel is growing up ( I don't want to change diapers on a 4 year old) but I also miss a lot of the baby stuff. Isn't that typical, never happy with what we have. It just goes back to being content in all circumstances. I am still learning.

Sick

2008-10-13T08:31:00.000-07:00

Ok, it has been a while. I have been sick. I thought maybe it was allergies, something I really don't fight, but they grow cotton here and it is harvest time so I thought that was my problem. I finally went to the Dr. when I started running a fever and Paul threatened me. I have an infection and now have antibiotics in me. The drugs have also made me queasy, but I am feeling better now, actually better than I have in a few weeks. I didn't realize how yuck I had gotten until I started feeling better.
The kids had Friday and today off, so a 4 day weekend. It would have been nice to go somewhere but money is tight and I didn't feel like going anywhere until yesterday. Today I am taking them to the library, I am fortunate that they are still young enough to think this is a treat. We really do have great library. It is the best I have seen for activities ( game nights, science labs, story and crafts, computer classes; free to the public, etc.) They even have a gift shop that the proceeds go to the library fund and no fines for late books! They said they do better with straight donations. I should be back on track tomorrow when Jennifer and Levi are back in school. Hopefully no one else gets sick, although Paul was coughing a lot this morning before leaving for work!

dentist

2008-10-06T19:39:00.000-07:00

Jennifer and I went to the dentist in Tucson last week (there isn't one in Safford who takes our insurance. Everything went well for both of us. Jennifer has no cavities which is a praise and a surprise. We are still praying for friends and I know she is getting discouraged. This week should be pretty slow for us ( I hope). I am tired but seem to be in better spirits. It is time to do the nightly prayer and tucking in of the kids so this will be short. I will hopefully get back on track tomorrow.

fushia hair

2008-09-29T15:41:00.000-07:00

This weekend Levi and I were talking about Heaven and how it might be like. My kids do not know their granddads and so this is a frequent conversation. Levi pointed out that he would know exactly what Aunt Carrie would look like. I thought he was going to tell me because he knew her and had seen her, unlike his grandpas. He said not only could she see in heaven (praise God) but the biggest clue would be her fushia hair! It made me laugh and I know Carrie would have loved it!

waiting

2008-09-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of people telling me how strong I am with everything that has happened the last couple of years. I don't feel strong and I am tired. If this is true though, then why do I not want to wait. I have read and heard Isaiah 40:31 more times than I can count. I tell God often how tired and weak I am. Yet I can not explain my rational for wanting to go, do, be, something. This scripture says Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength (nas). I say I have no strength yet I don't like waiting. Maybe it is the unknown or the what if's that play through my mind. Really I think I am afraid that God will just leave me here and never use me again (poor me). God owes me nothing and yet He has given me more than I ever deserved! I am still trying to be content. God is saying wait and until I hear something different I need to stay put and let God renew my strength. Pray for me

Fridays with Paul

2008-09-26T16:57:00.000-07:00

Today is Friday, and it is one of my favorite days of the week. Paul and I spend the day together ( usually with Nathaniel as well). We don't get a lot of time together. His back is still a problem and seems to be getting worse to me. The days he works take everything out of him, so Fridays we get a few hours before he has to rest. We don't have money to spend on dates but that just means we have to be a little more creative. The weather is finaly getting nicer so we can go to the park (Nathaniel's favorite place), play a game or watch a movie. Last week we did a puzzle together. It really meant a lot to me because Paul doesn't care too much for them but they are one of my favorite things to do. He also usually makes dinner on Friday!! I love that. I am trying not to take him for granted and I am praying for his back. The Dr. he has now says he has a bulging disc and bone spurs, but they are not telling him anything to do for it. It is almost like here is the problem but to bad. I am really frustrated because it doesn't just affect Paul but the kids and myself as well. Please pray for all of us, we need it! Enjoy your time with your loved ones as much as possible.

2008-09-24T11:34:00.000-07:00

this was taken Easter 2008. I hope that I can add more recent photos soon

lost tooth

2008-09-23T20:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday when I was picking up the kids from school, Levi would not smile at me, although he seemed happy enough. I asked him if everything was ok, and if anything happened at school. He just shook his head no so I dropped it for the moment. When we were in the van I Iooked into my rear view mirror and saw him trying not to smile, but it was too late...I caught him with his top front tooth out! He wanted to wait until we got home to show me and everyone else but he was too excited. It fell out at school in the middle of the day. He carried his tooth around in his pocket to show everyone. It just tells me that he is growing up a little too fast for me, although he looks terribly cute without it! He said talking is funny but he has a really cool trick. He drinks his milk at school through a straw and it fits perfectly in the gap. He loves it!!! My camera needs a battery so hopefully I will get a picture of him soon.
Speaking of pictures. Paul's mom and I took Nathaniel to get pictures taken this morning. He doesn't get them through school like Jennifer and Levi, and it has been way too long since they were taken. He even asked why there were not as many of him, AH the youngest deliema. I hope to have those in a couple of weeks. Might I say just how cute they turned out. If I can figure out how to scan them in or get Paul to do it I will try and post some. Take lots of pictures of those you love!!!

Lot's Wife

2008-09-22T09:25:00.000-07:00

I have been remembering Florida a lot lately. I think it must be the time of year. They are no doubt getting reading for Judgement House. I was the Angel of Death (Levi hated that), I switched to a guide, which I really enjoyed doing, then I was asked to be in Heaven when I wasn't guiding....I LOVED IT!!! Mostly the inbetween times. Anyway, God has been showing me a lot about my feelings for Callahan and Gray Gables. Let me preface this with I DO NOT think that Callahan is anything like Sodom and Gomora. However I never had much empathy for Lot and his family, especially his wife ( no name even). I now can say how much I can feel for her is amazing. They probably knew that they needed to move from there but didn't want to. I too can say that I felt God telling me we needed to leave before the Lord dragged us out. Lot and his family had to have the angels grab them by the hand ( every one of them) and drag them out. They took nothing with them. We left soooo much behind, and thinking about it still hurts. The kicker was they were told not to look back. Lot's wife did, and turned to a pillar of salt. Let me say, how many of us would not have looked back? She wasn't told "what" would happen to her and even if she had the temptation would have been great, look at Eve. I know when my kids or even myself are told "don't" that is usually a big challange.

This past week God has been telling me to stop looking back. Callahan was a huge blessing to me and my family, but I am turning into a pillar of salt by living in the past. I miss everything. If Lot's wife hadn't looked back I wonder if she would still have been miserable. They ended up in a cave with nothing. She probably would have whinned about everything she gave up...I know I have. She was never used by God again. I don't want that for me. If Lot and his family would have left willingly I think it would have been much easier on them and they might have been able to take their stuff with them. I am trying to not only listen to God better but to do as He says.

I miss our home, it was beautiful. I miss the schools, they were great, I miss our church, I grew a lot, I miss my stuff, I miss my church family, it was the best! I have to live in my cave for now, and I praise God for not turning me into a pillar of salt. I don't have to forget Callahan(I couldn't)but I can't keep my heart and soul so intwined with it either. God has given me a new place to live and I need to actually start living here and not merely surviving.

Read Genesis 18 and 19 with a new look. Hold things loosely because you never know when they may be taken. Enjoy everything you have and don't take it for granted. Tell people how much they mean to you. Try not to whine! God is Good all the time!!!!!

library day

2008-09-17T15:22:00.001-07:00

Today was library day for me and Nathaniel. We go to story time and do a craft every Thursday. They have a different theme every week. Nathaniel loves it and keeps asking the guy when he is going to do snakes. Today was apples. We heard two books and made a Fall wreath with different colored apples on it and also colored a big apple that you cut out and make into a puzzle. I think what he likes best is spending time with mommy all by himself. Levi has Boy Scouts on Wednesdays with me. Jennifer doesn't have anything. Pray for me on this because she really wants something that is just hers and I don't know what to do. We can't afford any lessons and I am not sure she knows what she wants. Plus I need to find a consistent time for her every week which is one more thing to try and figure out what to do with everyone else. I think she wants to socialize and I do not want to volunteer for anything else. I probably sound selfish, I am just tired of feeling like I am going in so many directions and none of them mean a break for me. I guess I should say that I just started going to a ladies Bible study on Sat. afternoons. It is only about an hour and a half but I need it.

coffee ladies

2008-09-17T15:22:00.000-07:00

Today is Wednesday. This is probably my hardest day of the week since leaving Callahan. I loved Wednesdays. We would have dinner at the church and always sit with Ms. Josie. I would then help with the kids program. Nathaniel was going to AWANA at 2yrs. old and learning about everything that God created. Paul would lead worship, and Jennifer and Levi went with me to the kids activities. Then we had choir practice. I loved it, Paul is so gifted in this area and I LOVE to sing! I sat next to my dearest friend Dana and after choir...Coffee Ladies!!! We would meet at someone's house around 9:30pm (usually Grace or Roseanna) and eat visit,prau,etc. until a ridicules hour like 1:00 am and I loved every minute of it. They loved me for me and we would share and encourage each other. We didn't need therapy because coffee ladies was therapy. They were trust worthy and I didn't have to pretend I was the "minister's wife", I could just be Goldie, a wife who got depressed, a mother who worried and a friend who hurt. I knew we were close but I didn't realize how close until we moved. Isn't that always the way. I sevve a jealous God and even though I may not have been the reason we moved, I do believe that God used it to show me that He needs to always be number one in my life. Since Carrie passed away I have felt it anew how much I don't turn to God first for everything. But I also know that He gave me my Coffee Ladies and I have been blessed by them so many times I can't count!!! If any of you read this please know I LOVE you all so much and I may need therapy soon if I can't talk to you all!!!!

my braces

2008-09-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

Today Nathaniel and I got up way too early and went to Tucson to get my braces tightened. I always look forward to this ( I know I am not normal). I have wanted braces for as long as I can remember, don't ask why, I am not sure I know completly. My teeth were crooked but not that bad. I know a lot of teens who hide their braces. I guess one of the advantages to "getting" older is that I don't care. I still smile and I love picking out different colored bands every time. I have yellow and dark red on now, for Autumn. I must admit turning 40 a couple of years ago was a huge yuck for me, but I am more comfortable with being me and how I look. I think I always wanted braces because I was hoping I would be beautiful when they came off, like magic. I now realize I am beautiful with or without them. These last 2 years God has taught me a lot. One of the biggest being I am treasured by the God of everything. He not only loves me, but He is IN love with me! I am breathtakingly beautiful to Him. I wish we could all learn that especially when we are still young. I am certainly trying to teach that to Jennifer and I think she is getting it better than I ever did, praise God! You are all beautiful to the great I AM. please belive it!!

tent in the living room

2008-09-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

Saturday's are a day my kids really look forward too. They can sleep in ( they don't) and we usually have pancakes, bacon , ect. not just cereal. Last night Paul put up the tent in the living room and all three of them "camped out". They enjoyed it so much we are letting them do it again. I don't think they are going to be happy when it comes down. I know however if they slept in it every night they would eventually get use to it and the excitement would wear off. That is how it is with most things. We start taking them for granted and don't see just how blessed we really are. I am like that with several things, my family especially Paul and our marriage. Why can't I remember more how it feels to see him when he first walks in the door, the excitement of going on dates. Comfortable isn't bad as long as I don't get lazy, and forget how blessed I am to have a man who loves God, our kids, and me.
Even more dangerous is losing my excitement about my Lord and Savior and ALL that he has done for me. If I stop and really think about it, it is the coolest thing ever. The God of everything, the great I AM, loves me( Goldie). He wants to spend time with me and I get to spend the rest of my life with Him, that is even better than a tent in the living room!

potty training

2008-09-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have 3 children and even though Jennifer and Levi didn't potty train until they were ready. they did eventually. Nathaniel is almost 3 and a half and doesn't even get the concept of it. I can take away privleges and even try bribing with candy and he just doesn't get it. He says he wants to stay little. He is still in the nursery at church and is ok with it. I tell him he won't go to school in diapers and he says he will. He thinks even some adults wear diapers ( don't comment on that). I have tried a timer and he goes in between the times on the potty. I have tried putting him in underwear and he will still sit in it all day if I let him. I wet my pants for years, so maybe this is pay back. I am sure my Mom thinks it is funny. Nathaniel is definatly my strongwilled beast. I love him to pieces and Carrie LOVED all my Nathaniel stories, she even shared them with friends. Maybe that is what is bothering me the most. Carrie isn't here to call and give the latest story to so she can remind me this is what I have always wanted and prayed for. It is what she would have given anything for. She also ( after she was done laughing) would have prayed with me and offered any words ( always had words) of wisdom. I don't think Nathaniel would be doing any better with his potty training if she were still here, but I know I would be doing much better! By the way Nathaniel is completly naked from the waist down, just peed all over a towel and his shirt and is wondering why I need to change him, ARGHHH!!!!! Carrie would be laughing, maybe I should try it.

picture day

2008-09-10T11:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Levi's school pictures and today is Jennifer's. I tell them often how blessed I am to have them and that they are smart, handsome, beautiful and great kids. I also know that they are getting different messages from school, especially Jennifer. They are both starting to realize that Jennifer isn't like the other kids. The kids at school tell her she is stupid and ugly, and the MaMa in me wants to go choke some kids (Bobbie is right there with me on this). Why don't we realize how powerful our words are? I think adults and especially christians don't take their words seriously enough either. We have poured our praise into our kids,and I can see a difference. Even though it bothers Jennifer she knows that she is loved by her family and an AMAZING GOD. She tells me she is a princess because of God! They both know that God loves them more than anything no matter what others say. We are now praying diligently for friends for them and for the kids that are not nice. Maybe that is what the kids are hearing about themselves somewhere as well. The children God has given to us are wonderful and I know they are proof of God's love and blessings on me. Please pray with me for friends and that they would show the love of Christ; me too. I need to watch my words as well.

was Moses "happy"

2008-09-09T13:56:00.000-07:00

We have been living in Safford now for 9 months. It seems like a lot longer, at least most of the time. I have been praying that God would make us content in all our circumstances. I have noticed that is like praying for patience. He is just giving us "circumstances" to see if I will be content. I think I am failing. Then I have been praying and reading and God is showing me that I still am not grasping the difference between content and happy. I wonder if Moses was "happy" wandering around the wilderness with God's chosen people, having to go and plead before
God on their behalf. Moses would remind God that the children were HIS. They wandered 40 years, not Moses idea. Then Moses dosen't even get to enter the Promise Land; "happy"? probably not, "content" probably. He spent time with God and heard God speak. I think I could learn from that.

getting started

2008-09-08T12:58:00.000-07:00

ok, here I go. I am doing this so people can find out how me and our family are doing. I think this will be easier for people instead of me trying to mass e-mail everyone. You can come here and hear the latest and greatest from my lips. I apreciate everyones prayers and interest so I hope this will help you to know how to pray hopefully I will even include pics eventually. I will still email, especially prayer requests and praises. You all mean the world to me and I don't know what I would do without you. You do not need to point out any typing or spelling errors unless you just can't help yourself.