forgiveness...but

I thought I was pretty good at forgiving (yeah me) but I found out I am not!!!! The last few years have really put me to the test with forgiving those that hurt me. The last few months have just challenged me even more. Now this last weekend was it for me. I worked at a woman's weekend down it Tucson. ( more on that later) There was one person in particular that really drove me crazy. I found out just how unforgiving I can be. I can say I am sorry to someone pretty easily, however that is usually followed with an "I am sorry too" from the other side. Makes it easier to forgive. It is sooooo much harder to say I am sorry when the other party either doesn't accept it, or they say something like, "yes you should" and act like they are owed the apology ( what happened to me over the weekend.) I got snippy with one of my team mates ( I know hard to believe) she was bossy and rude and never said she was sorry. She acted like she was never wrong. I had to apologize to her (God insisted) and she just said( forgotten and walked away) Let me just say how very hard it was not to want to "explain" why I snapped at her (God didn't say I needed to do that) It seemed all very unfair to me. Let me also say she did this to several people over the weekend. She was very demanding and never wrong. Then I thought of Christ on the cross when He said "forgive them Father, for they know not what they do" WOW! Christ was perfect and never did anything wrong and He forgave. Most never accept what He did for us.I can assume most who saw Him say that and die thought "He can't forgive me, I have done nothing wrong". Most of the world has never said I am sorry to God. Why do I expect more. Christ's followers can be the worst (I was at a weekend with Christen women. My sister says we are all diseased sheep. I think she is right. Satan sure knows where and how to attack. I know people who say that they have forgiven someone ten years ago,and yet when they talk about it you can tell they are still hurt, angry and haven't let go of the grudge. I don't want to be like that!! It is hard not to want to give your side or justify why you were hurt and angry. I don't think that is what God wants most of the time. For me, truly apologizing, or forgiving can't include I am sorry...but. I know my heart and motives and that is not true forgiveness. They next time I need to forgive someone or say I am sorry ( and it will happen, probably with another diseased sheep) I need to stop after the apology and leave the but out. I also can not assume that they will say it back. walk away and let God heal me. No more buts. when I say I am sorry. I can only take care of me and what God is telling me...so hard. Let Him heal my hurts and trust Him. Christ does it all the time!