A New Year, New Word

            We all know about New Year's resolutions. A lot of us, me included have even made them. They can be a good thing and help us to improve our lives and world. I have also felt like I need a new perspective. I don't want to try a resolution this year. I want to try something different. I have felt God encouraging me in this way and have had several confirmations from others, including people I don't even know. 
            I have heard of others doing a word for the year. Several years ago a friend said her word was joy. I have a cousin who is using the word gratitude for 2019. I absolutely love this idea! 
             The last few years I have wanted to down size all the stuff I have. The last couple of years have been painful and I am slowly healing even though I will never be the same. This last year and the one coming up is going to have a lot of change in it. I will begin the empty next process and I am not looking forward to it. However that's a different topic for a different time. All of this and lots of praying have led me to not just a word but a phrase.
            I believe  what God is wanting me to focus on and change is....simple blessings.  I tend to get overwhelmed with all my stuff, okay let's be honest, junk!  I also love to spend money on eating out and doing things. I wait for big events and stuff to feel excited and happy. I know this isn't what God wants for me and I often feel overwhelmed or empty, even with stuff. My joy is lacking and I don't have peace. I have been on this track of simplifying for years and I believe it is finally time.
            I am blessed and I have an abundance of stuff. I want to appreciate what I have and the people in my life without feeling like I  need more or something new. I want to enjoy a simple board game or puzzle. I want to appreciate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I want to enjoy all that I have and get rid of stuff that doesn't make me feel joy and peace. It will definitely take a year if you know me at all.
          I have an abundance of  Simple Blessings! I can't wait until I have even less.
       

A Family of 5, a family of 4, a family of?

I was raised in a family of 5, I had an older sister and a younger sister and I was fortunate enough to be the middle child. I loved my childhood, my immediate family and extended family and I couldn't wait to have a family of my own. I grew up and got married (much later than I had hoped but in God's perfect timing). I then had my first child and was blessed beyond all reason and had 2 more. I was once again in a family of 5, and I loved it! I was living the dream that I always wanted and I couldn't be happier....then we lost Jennifer.

We recently went on vacation, the first one in years as a family. We knew we wanted to do this with our boys and create some new memories, especially after these last several months. We made all the plans and reservations and were excited to go to Florida. My only problem that I wasn't anticipating was making reservations for only 4 people. We didn't need the extra bed in our hotel, when we stood in line for a ride, every time they ask "how many?" my heart wanted to scream...5, 3 in one seat and 2 in another! We always took turns on who would ride with whom. We would go out to eat and they would ask "how many?" again I would say 4 but I wanted desperately to say 5! It felt, incomplete, it felt, wrong. I even felt guilty. 

There are 5 of us, aren't there? It's not like Jennifer never was, or has been forgotten, never! The problem is, that now I seriously struggle with how to answer the question "how many in your family?" You see when it comes to a ride, even though it is painful I know to say 4, but what do I say when someone asks, "how many children do you have?"If I say 3, inevitably I am asked, how old are they, or what are their names, what do they do? When I explain that one isn't with us it then becomes uncomfortable and they have to say, they are sorry or what happened, etc. If I only say 2 children, I am torn apart and feel I am cheating my beautiful girl. You see she will always be my baby. Those that already know our story may understand but meeting new people makes it awkward and strange. I don't really know how to explain it to where it makes sense. I feel like I am rambling or not making myself clear but this is where I am right now. My family of 5 isn't complete anymore and nothing will change that, it will always be a family of...?

A single strand of hair

It has been several months since Jennifer passed away. Many people have asked how we are are holding up. It's an honest question, one that I have a hard time answering. You see it honestly depends on the day or even the moment. Sometimes it seems like an eternity since I have heard her laugh or gotten to kiss her good night. I am afraid I will forget the sound of her voice. Other times it seems like she is just down the hall and I can imagine her in there texting her friends and doing a puzzle. There are days that I laugh and have a great time with my boys or friends but then I feel horribly guilty for not being sad. I know I shouldn't feel this way and no matter what anyone says it won't change the way I feel. I can hear people with good intentions telling me that Jennifer wouldn't want me to be sad and she is no longer in pain. The truth is I think she would want me to be sad a little because she would know that I miss her and love her incredibly. I also know she is better off and I will see her again, but right now it still hurts and I want to be selfish and have her here with me. 

I do have some really good days. I also have some days that make me feel shattered all over again. One of those days happened a couple of weeks ago. I decided on a whim to wear one of Jennifer's bright pink over shirts. I can't even tell you why or why it was even out. I didn't go into her closest to find it. Anyway, I put it on and went out and about wearing it proudly, I went to church that night and was singing when I looked down and saw a single strand of long blond hair wrapped loosely around a big pink button. I knew immediately that it was Jennifer's and started crying. It was tangible, it was her, she wasn't here but her hair still was. It wasn't fair, it was painful, it felt wrong. I didn't want to let go of that beautiful single strand. I gently laid it back on the sweater and wound it around the button. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it. It was a part of her, a part that grew with her, something with DNA. I wanted to keep it forever.

Today we tried to go through her closet. We didn't last long and didn't do everything. I know why people keep so much when a loved one dies. She had so much chapstick and lip gloss ( another obsession she had) I didn't want to throw any of it out. My baby had used it, her lips had touched it. It honestly hurt to throw it away, and yet keeping it doesn't make sense. No one wants used chapstick. The clothes smelled like her and I didn't want to let them go. Almost every item held a memory. We would remember her favorites and all the pink clothes. Several were set aside, probably more than should have been. We stopped there, we didn't go through her baby dolls, puzzles, coloring books or anything else. The clothes did us in, I know there are strands of hair all over them. I look at her hairbrush and I don't want to clean it out. I don't want to go through her make up or babies. I honestly don't know when I will be ready. I don't think time will make this part easier. It will always be painful but it also holds beautiful memories: Her sweet 16 dress, her prom dress, her favorite hoody, her "I Love Lucy" t-shirt, all hold wonderful memories. 

Honestly we are doing better most of the time but when those little or not so little moments come they hurt. I am getting used to them and learning to let them come. God is my comforter and grief is very real. We live in a broken, sinful world and I am not exempt from the pain. This is not my home and I long to see my beautiful Sweetcheeks again. Until then I praise my Lord and show others to also. This life is painful and sometimes sucks, God knows that and that is why I long for a day when all my suffering is over. Thank God, He is my Comforter! 

The month of May

May is a month that I look forward to every year. It holds a lot of memories and excitement for many reasons. I love May!
Growing up it meant the end of the school year and summer vacation. It meant my grandmothers birthday, two of my aunts birthdays and one of my favorite Uncles birthdays. It is also the month I was born in. One of my very first concrete memories I can put a time frame on is my 4th birthday party at Humpty Dumpty land and a pretend makeup set with a plastic tube of bright berry colored lipstick, complete with the slant. I loved pretending to apply it. My favorite color is Emerald green, which just happens to be my birthstone.  May is the month that Mother's Day is. I grew up alway, always wanting to be a mommy. I remember vividly the day I found out I was pregnant, I was due in May!! I had my daughter on a Friday just before Mother's Day, I was thrilled. I went on to have two more children that have been a blessing and one shares a May birthday as well. My first nephew was born in May and I was there when he was born. So many wonderful memories happen in this wonderful month. 
This year May still holds the same holidays but with a pain that is beyond measure. My beautiful daughter won't be here to celebrate her 19th birthday, she won't help us celebrate her brother's birthday or mine. Mother's Day is going to be almost as hard as her birthday. I am bowing out, this month. I will celebrate with my boys but I am hoping to mostly survive this month and will be glad to see June. I may not answer phone calls or texts. I thank God work will be busy this month. I thank God for allowing me to become a mother, but with becoming a mother and all the joy and happiness it brings, it also brings and abundance of pain, maybe that is why when you first become a mother, you have morning sickness and labor pain. The heart ache never goes away but it is worth it all. Oh June please come quickly. Please keep praying for us, we so appreciate it.

The Silent Treatment

The Silent Treatment, we have all heard of it and know what it means, but for me it doesn't mean being silent. If or should I say when, I get upset, angry or hurt at someone, I will likely still talk to them but it will be vague, or shallow. When I don't want to talk to my husband I will still say things like, "did you pick up the prescriptions" or "I have a PTA meeting next week". He may ask me "what's for dinner?" and I will answer. However I don't say what is really bothering me or anything of great importance. Anyone watching us sees everything as being fine. For me it is the same way with God. I didn't even realize it at first. For the last several months I have been going through the motions or spending time wth God. This is good that I still have the habit, we need it during the hard times especially. I wake up I read my devotional I pray etc. but it is very generic, like saying grace before a meal. I have read the same devotional several days in a row because I honestly don't remember what I have read. I don't participate in Sunday School like I have. Anyone that knows me knows that I love to talk.. I haven't been. I show up, I go through the motions but there is no depth. I don't pray like I should. I am not doing my Bible study. I tell God I am sad but I don't cry out and say what I am truly feeing: " I love You, I trust You, but this hurts, this doesn't feel fair, etc." and I don't listen for His reply. I am trying to punish Him by not speaking to Him but it is really hurting me and my family. A friend of mine said Satan is attacking. I shouldn't be surprised. Beth Moore once said, that Satan will attack when you are down. We think he won't because we have already been through so much, but Satan is no gentleman, he is going to take every opportunity he can. He is a liar, thief, devourer. So why should I not expect it? I see the results of it clearly when I open my eyes. My relationships are hurting, my house is really suffering, even for me. I hate house work but it's worse than ever. My family is suffering. I don't think I even realized at first that I wasn't talking to God, I think it has taken a while to see the effects it is having. While we are still hurting, it seems to be getting worse not better. Satan is loving it I am sure. I haven't been spending time with my Lord and Savior like I really should or my family. I need to crawl into my Abba Father's lap and cry, however long that takes. I need to tell Him that I don't like this, that it hurts, and I miss Jennifer way too much for this to be okay or fair. I want my boys to have their sister back. They are hurting and it shows, maybe not in the same way as I am but I see it affecting them. God is close to the broken hearted, there are so many scriptures I could go to and pour over, but I haven't. When I give my husband the silent treatment we both hurt but I think I suffer more. I loose communication with my best friend, I feel alone and isolated. It is the same way with God. I hurt, I am alone, I loose that comfort that I need and I suffer, so does my family. I need to break the silence, it's not like God doesn't already know how I feel, or what I will say. He wants to help me grieve and heal but I need to let him. Abba Father, help me to find my voice again.

Going back to ICU

I knew I wanted to go back to the ICU at the hospital eventually. I just wasn't sure when I wanted to go. I couldn't go right away, I didn't have it in me. I couldn't wait too long, because they may not remember. I decided it was time and I wanted to make sure a couple of nurses especially were going to be there. I wanted to say thank you. I don't think they hear it enough. Nursing, especially in ICU tends to feel like a thankless job. They work hard and often don't see a happy ending. So I went to a local cookie shop and picked up several dozen fresh cookies and drove to the place that had been home for 5 weeks. I knew it would be difficult, I knew it would be emotional and I thought I was prepared. I was wrong. Parking felt eerily familiar. Walking into the hospital and getting on the elevator was uncomfortable, but walking down the long corridor was physically painful. My stomach churned, my head hurt, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Calling on the wall phone and I was shaky and felt like I was going to panic. They buzzed me back and I lost my voice. My eyes blurred and I began to sob. I couldn't look in Jennifer's room, it hurt too much and flooded back memories. I told several of our favorite nurses thank you, I told them they made a terrible situation more bearable. They made a difference, they work hard and they deserve more credit. I wanted them to know that I continue to pray for them. I couldn't thank them enough. I also couldn't wait to leave. The pain was huge, it hung in the air and I wanted out. I also know I had to do it. I wanted to do it. These people are amazing and they took beautiful care of my precious girl. I couldn't let that go. Thank you nurses for standing on your feet all day and doing so many thankless tasks. I for one appreciate you! Maybe one day I will bring cookies again. 

Mosaics part 2

I have been truly fascinated with mosaics since God showed me the similarities between myself and them. I have researched more and more and continue to be amazed. Mosaic tiles are usually rough around the edges, boy do I feel that way. When they are broken parts shatter that are no longer usable, hhmm, ditto. You can use a lot of different colors and seriously make any picture or design imaginable. God can put my many parts back together to create anything, He desires. When making a mosaic you need the pieces to be very close together, almost touching. It is like healing, there will be a scar but the skin is connected. You can't just use anything to glue and seal the tiles. I can't just use anything to put myself back together, not drugs, alcohol, shopping, food, etc. I have to use God, His word, prayer, friends and family. If I don't I will break and shatter again or not be usable. Mosaics are often made out of glass, especially in churches because....they reflect the light. That is my hope to reflect the light of my Savior. 

Little things still are painful. Signing a card for a wonderful couple today at church that have been married 75 years was painful. I signed the card for our family and I didn't sign Jennifer's name. That was a first and it was so hard. Little pieces of mosaic if placed in the wrong place will change the picture or have to be removed, broken off and replaced. School days are easier than evenings or weekends. I can stay busy. Busy making a mosaic, waiting to see the finished project. Waiting to see what I will become, Waiting for the process to be finished. Just about anything can be covered in mosaic pieces. God is unlimited in what He can do. It takes time, just like any art work. You take your time and do your best, and that is what I want. I want it to take time to heal correctly and piece by piece. I don't know how long that will be and every piece of art is unique, so I will be different than even Paul or her brothers. We will each have our own beautiful look some day and I believe it will take years even to complete. I wonder if any artist out there is doing a continual mosaic project that is always being worked on. I have a feeling that is what I will be. I think Jennifer would have loved these rain boots. 

Mosaics

I had the pleasure of going to see friends this weekend. I was busy almost constantly with different friends. I loved it, it was both comforting and healing. I went to dinner with some terrific friends Friday night. We have a lot in common, wives, mom's, our children are close in age, etc. We ate, talked, laughed and I got to talk about Jennifer. I needed it. Saturday morning I had brunch with another group of amazing ladies. They encouraged me, prayed for me and poured their wisdom into me. Their kids are mostly grown and out of the house, one has lost a child close in age to Jennifer. They ha e walked where I am walking, they survived and so will I. Saturday night I went to dinner with a great group of fellow educators. We used to work together and we laughed, talked about school and our education system, I talked about Jennifer and it felt good.  I also got some good one on one time with several friends over the weekend. I visited with families that Jennifer loved. I cried, I laughed and I did some healing. I started to realize that it takes all kinds of friend, family and situations to help me heal. I will never be the same, my life was shattered when Jennifer passed away. I do know though that I will heal. I look at my life as a mosaic, I had a beautiful life and family, I broke into a thousand pieces but all these wonderful people are helping me to become something just as beautiful. It will look different, it will take time, it might even be used differently, but it will be beautiful. They are the glue God uses to help me. I am so thankful. I don't know what I will look like in the days, weeks and even years ahead but I know I have a lot of amazing people in my life that are helping me put the pieces back together, thanks to God. 

Back to work

I started back to work this week. It was both difficult and good. I knew sitting at home wasn't going to help, especially when the boys went back to school. The idea of sitting around at home in a quiet house was not appealing. I would sulk, pout, whine, and get super depressed. All of that might be okay for a little while but not all day long every day. So I knew I needed to get back to doing what I love at school. I got up the first morning and it hit me. I didn't get to make Jennifer's lunch, I didn't get to check to make sure she was up and taking her shower (which she always was), she didn't come down the hall and ask what I put in her lunch and what she could have for breakfast. It was hard. I am sure the boys felt it also. 
Going into work was what I needed, I needed to keep busy and I love my job. They are supportive and appreciate me as well. They were glad to see me but most didn't know what to do or say. I wouldn't have known what to do or say either if I had been in their position. Sometimes it felt like there was the proverbial elephant in the room. It's okay because I know they do care. I can tell you for me personally, if you want to know what to do or say, ask. You can ask me just about anything, talk about my daughter, please! Yes I miss her but sharing what she went through or some of her stories is a privilege for me. I want to talk about her. I am also a hugger. I know some people are not but sometimes it's nice to have a hug, especially right now. And if I have a tear or two it's okay. Don't feel guilty for bringing up Jennifer, tears are going to come sometimes, especially for the next several months. It is a journey and a process. Finding joy and healing in this takes time but it happens. I still laugh and have peace and hope. God is holding myself and my family and lots of praying is getting us through. I thank God for my job and I am so grateful I have a place to go back to. It helps the healing. 

The year 2016

I could say that 2016 was a terrible year and a lot of people would agree with me or at least allow me to feel that way. The truth however is that 2016 was a pretty good year with the last 6 weeks being difficult. I can't pin the entire year on just the last several weeks. 

I work at a great school doing what I love. I have worked with several grades and teachers and have learned so much and they are such a great supportive group. My kids have grown and done some amazing things. As soon as Jennifer learned about prom in the Fall of 2015 she knew she would go. She had a confidence that I envied. She never doubted that someone would ask her to go, she even figured more than one would ask and she would choose. I always wanted to go to prom but never dreamed I would be asked. Jennifer was asked and went and had the time of her life. I loved watching blossom and grow into an amazing young lady. She tried out for a school play, again something I wouldn't have done even though I thought it would be fun. she got a part and even had a speaking part in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. I was so amazed and proud. She went to three different high schools but Sturgis was by far the best fit and she just came into her own and was loved. Levi continued to grow literally so tall and did great in school and drama. Nathaniel was a delight to watch grow and be crazy. He started having seizures but God has taken care of him and we delight in watching him try new things. We went to court to get permanent custody of Jennifer for her safety. We made it a celebration for all of us.  I was fortunate to go to camp for the 4th year in a row and work with some great kids and not just my own. They challenged me and I think I grew more than the amazing young people did. They are resilient and have gone through so much and still keep praising God. We had several friends visit over the summer, some of which we hadn't seen in years. We ended the summer with a wonderful visit with my mom and sister. We hadn't seen them in two years so it was super special. We saw God do some amazing things for us and others. In the middle of November Jennifer went into the hospital. We still saw God work and do great things. She will never finish high school, she was planning on going to Prom again this year, that won't happen and I grieve for what never will be.We had so many people encourage us and our family. People from all over the world that was have never met and those I hadn't heard from in years came together to pray and encourage us. We cried out to God and He heard. I have had people tell me it should have been them that God took not Jennifer but I disagree. As hard as it is I know Jennifer is with her Lord and Savior. Someone else may not be ready for that and dying without Christ means eternal separation from Him...Hell. I don't want that for anyone. So as much as I miss our beautiful girl I am grateful that she had chosen Christ and those who haven't still have a chance. I know already that 2017 is going to be painful and a lot of healing and growing. I accept that and expect it. I am as ready as I can be. I will cry, I will laugh, I will grieve, I will grow. I will survive because I have Christ and I have hope. I pray that each of you have a 2017 that is full of growth and blessings.

Alone isn't bad

Now that everyone has left, I find myself sitting alone. Many have told me to call them or go out and do something to stay busy. It makes sense and I appreciate it. Sometimes it is what I need to do, but also I need this quiet alone time. It helps me to truly grieve and try to accept that Jennifer is gone. I need to go and sit on her bed and cry or even yell "I don't like this!" It is okay to be alone because if I am always with someone I won't grieve and move forward. It isn't my way to really break down and sob uncontrollably or even a little in front of people. I don't tend to cry in public but I will when I am all alone. I need prayer and support and I love, love, love to talk about all my favorite memories of Jennifer and I couldn't do that without so many wonderful people but if I don't spend every waking minute with someone please don't worry. I will eventually call, text or visit. I just need to curl up in the fetal position and cry out to God a lot right now. He has the best lap to sit and cry in. He understands what I am going through and how I best need to deal with everything. I couldn't do this without Him.

A new normal

I took my mom and sister to the airport this morning and that means everyone has now left. I didn't want them to leave and yet I did. Now reality will definitely set in. A part of me has been living in denial, I still can't believe my Sweetcheeks is gone. I have to come home to our new normal. I honestly don't know what that will look like. A lot of it will be harder and yet some of it will be easier. I will no longer have to lock the food up and that is a relief but hear  me, that doesn't mean I am glad. I would rather have my beautiful girl here with all of the challenges we faced. Life will be different, we will laugh, we will cry, it will be painful at times and we will move forward. Do we really have a choice? I am grateful for Paul and my two boys, they'll help keep me going, even when I don't want to get out of bed, they will give me reasons to go on. We will make new memories and recall old ones. I don't know when the reality of all of this will sink in, maybe when we go through her room. I am not ready for that yet. There will be times I won't want to go on and the pain will be huge and make it hard to breathe. I will help my boys navigate this new reality and preserve our memories of our sweet and amazing girl who was and will always be my hero. Jennifer I miss and love you so much and heaven can't come soon enough for me to see you again!!!

Turning 50

This post will most likely short but also the beginning, again, of many. I just turned 50 and I have been contemplating all that it means to me. I am sure it is different for everyone but I have really thought about what I should do with this time in my life. So after a lot of different ideas, some of which I still may do, I have decided that I will write 50 new blog posts over the next year. I have woefully neglected my blog. I enjoyed it for so long and it helps me remember things I have noticed, learned, loved, and grown because of. So I am making myself accountable by doing this. No one may ever read any of this besides myself and that is okay. I want to look back over this year and even past that to my 50 years and remember. God has brought me this far and I know He won't leave me now. I want to write it down because, let's face it, my memory isn't grand. I want to look back when I, like the Israelites forget. I want my children to see what God has done and will do. I want 50 to be amazing. It starts today, actually it began just over a week ago. I realize that means one post a week maybe more but God shows me things daily through my children, job, church, friends, and just life in general. I need to just be aware of it. So here is to 50 and all that I want it to be!

A long year

It has been a year since my personal retreat and let me just say it has been a long hard year. Every time I felt I was getting a grip something else would knocke me down. Several knew how hard I fell. I was willing to break down and shut down. I know all the things we tell ourselves and others about getting back up or just have faith or everyones favorite...God has a purpose and He works all things for good. I have heard it all. I have said it all. To others and to myself. Why do we think that bad things won't happen when we are already down and discouraged? Why would we think that Satan would leave us alone when we are wounded? He doesn't I can promise you that personally. This life is hard and you can only be strong on your own for so long and then you will break, you will shatter, you will give up. I have done all three within the last year and if it were not for a gracious and mercifull Savior I would be in a mental facility. I am just being honest here. I have had more than I can take, much more, too much. I want easy, I want comfortable, I want happy, I want, I want, I want. Do you hear the problem? "I WANT" It is all about me, me, me. Only it isn't about me and it never has been. That is hard to admit because I don't like it. Pride comes in many forms, not just the obvious arogance ones. Pride is also being afraid of change or faliure or looking foolish, because it is still about me. Years ago I prayed that God would make me a vessel broken and use completly for Him. He took me at my word and when He started working I didn't like it. I wanted to be used the way I thought was best ( in my comfort zone) or at least in a way that made me look great and humble. boy listen to that. No wonder this year has been hard. There has been a lot this last year that I had a good reason to complain about and ask God why but that doesn't mean I can quit. God loves me too much to let me just sit and complain. This last year has been hard but I have made it worse by my attitude and it has had far reaching affects. I need to be on my knees weeping in repentance before my God and my King. I need to tell my loved ones far and wide thank you for carrying me in prayer and I am beyond sorry. The light is coming out again and I am so gratefull. I love my Lord and my family and Satan has not won in my life! I am a child of the Great I AM!!!!! Lord use me as You see fit (even if that means moving again in a few months :P  He knows what is best and need to sit humbly at His feet!! I can't wait to see what this next year holds for me. 

Desperate but not serious

I am a product of the 80's and one of my favorite singers of that decade was Adam Ant. I was recently listening to one of his songs...Desperate, but not Serious and I started thinking how true those words really are for most of us if not all.  I will tell you I am desperate to loose weight and exercies but anyone who knows me knows how easily I quit. It is the same with anything and for anyone. We as a society are desperate for change and answers but we all want a quick fix or a pill or a book that will take care of whatever it is we want changed. I have a friend who has lost over a hundred pounds and do you know how she did it? She was serious! She was past desperate and wanted change enough to do something about it. Has it been easy? Has it been quick? No! Has she wanted to quit? Has it been difficult? Yes! She will be the first to tell you that she had to get to a point where she was both desperate and serious for this jounry to happen. She had to say enough is enough. We all need this. We have to hit rock bottom usually for us to get motivated enough to do anything that requires real work. So many of us will moan and groan and find others to sit with who agree how misserable we are. We are tired of being over weight, we are tired of not having anything in savings, we are tired of a messy house, we are tired....but we need to get serious or to finally use a different word, intentional. I know I do, I have no right to complain over and over if I am not going to do anything about it. There is no pill or quick fix for anything that matters or counts in life, except when you accept Christ, that is quick easy and you can do it now, but that is another blog and even that once you have done it you need to study, pray be discipled etc. in order to truly grow as a christian. I am trying to get serious about several things and I will share those in the next several days. I can no longer just be desperate, being desperate isn't enough. The next time I hear the Adam Ant song I don't think I will listen to it the same way....see the 80's music can teach us something :D

My personal retreat

 I went away this weekend, okay more like ran away. Life has been crazy lately and I have not been spending time with God like I should. I could feel it and it wasn't good. I wasn't sure what to expect but I knew God had a plan even if I didn't so I went expecting to meet my Savoir and I wasn't disappointed. I was blessed beyond what I could have imagined. Why was I so surprised? God loves to spend time with me, He wanted to meet me in my hotel room and spend time with me, speaking to me hearing me cry out and worshiping Him. The fellowship was truly special.

I packed up my Bible, journal, a couple of books and devotionals. I went to the store to pick up some pens, highlighters and some insight as to what to expect. I was wanting God to speak, I knew I wanted a memorial to mark this weekend and remember, much like the Old Testament memorials. As  I was walking up and down the aisles I saw some small ceramic cups. Anyone that knows me knows that I love the song and story Broken and Spilled Out, it has been my personal prayer for 20 plus years. I love the idea of being broken and used by the master potter. I grabbed a small cup knowing I wanted to have communion with my Lord. I went to another store and came up with a small ornate box but still felt I was missing a big piece of my weekend. I had been up and down every aisle and was about to give up when I saw a small bag of old fashioned keys, I felt that this was it but couldn't fathom why.

I went to my room to prepare for my weekend. I was excited to get started, I prayed, I worshiped, I opened God's Word. The first verse God gave me was so amazing and I knew it was my promise for my weekend, it is Hosea 6:1-3 Come let me return to the Lord, for it is He who has torn and He will heal me.He has struck down and He will bind me up. After 2 days He will revive me, on the 3rd day He will raise me up, that I may live before Him.Let me know, let me press on to know the Lord.His appearing is as sure as the dawn, He will come to me like the showers, like the spring rains that water the earth.  I found this exciting because I would be at my hotel for 3 days. This was a promise for me. I researched key/keys, I didn't even scratch the surface but it was thrilling. A key represents a treasure, give it to someone and it says I want you to have control, power...I trust you! Each key I had represented a different aspect I needed to let go of or give to God. I prayed over each one, I cried out about my fears, concerns and worries and ultimately laid each one in the box and at God's feet. I used my cup for the Lord's Supper and then broke it and put it too in the box. An amazing weekend all around, God didn't just show up He restored me. Did I mention the cup, which I had purchased before the keys had a key symbol on the bottom...a coincidence, I don't think so :D The ride home which was 2 hours was a great ending to a fantastic weekend i will never forget. God I love you!!!!  

Time for locks

The Bible tells us there is a time for everything under the sun. I have heard these words, I believe them, I understand them, or at least I thought I did. I am now having to do something I never thought I would, most people don't have to do this and I have never known anyone else that has to. The time has come for locks. Not just any locks but locks in our kitchen, on every part of it that contains food. I have avoided this for as long as possible and really we should have done it a year ago. Prader Willi is a very ugly thing and while I know that God has used it and will continue to do so to grow me and my family I hate it. Jennifer is 15 years old and no matter how healthy she eats or how little she continues to gain weight. She is always hungry to the point of starving in her mind and is willing to risk almost anything to get food, she is now sneaking and probably has been longer than I care to think about. This makes it all too real, something I have tried to avoid. She was diagnosed at 4 weeks old so you would think I would have accepted it by now. I am finding out I haven't, I try to normalize her life (which I now is good) and make her work just as hard as her brothers or anyone else. We don't try and allow her to use Prader Willi as an excuse for not doing something we expect of her even if it means working harder than the average teen. Locking up the food gives me a reality check, a wake up call, a what ever you want to call it. I have to come face to face with the fact my daughter has some major struggles and she is not like everyone else. I feel like a huge failure when it comes to her food. If I had just tried harder, been more disciplined, not letting up she wouldn't be as big as she is and have the problems she does. Maybe those who give their children a lettuce leaf with a little sugar and call it a treat are doing it right and I am not. I am questioning everything I do with her and beating myself up. I know this is a lie from Satan but it is hard. I really thought if we tried hard enough this day wouldn't have to come. This doesn't feel normal. I had a very wise friend say this is normal, it is your normal. I just need to remember that and trust God for strength and peace.

Time flys when...time just flys

Here comes the bride...17 years ago today I walked down the aisle to that very song. It was something I had dreamed of my entire life and had serious doubts as to whether it would ever happen. You can ask my friend Dawn just how I felt, I am sure she hasn't forgotten. She was my Matron of Honor and I had stayed the night at her house, not sleeping but talking most of the night after the dress rehearsal. We went and got our hair done together before heading to the church and did more talking. I relished every moment and detail of the days up to and including my wedding. There is little if anything I would change...maybe some pictures, food or the dresses not being so hot; even though it was March in Arizona it was still warm. None of that has changed the fact that I have been married to the man of my dreams now for 17 years, that is one thing I would never change. He was worth waiting for and I love him more today than I did then. Do I believe in happily ever after...yes and no. Life hasn't been perfect but it wouldn't have been without my Sweet Prince either. He has helped make me into the woman I am today, he is the reason I have 3 incredible kids that call me mom every day. He is the reason I get to celebrate an Anniversary that I wondered if it would ever come. He has taken me places I never thought I would go and learned to love. I fail him often and he still loves me, I think he could say the same thing...he better ;) We are good together, we are not perfect but we are perfect for each other. I can't believe 17 years have come and gone, now days that seems to be some kind of record but I can honestly say I have NEVER considered not staying married to my Sweet Prince, even with our ups and downs it has been and incredible ride and God has held us every step of the way. There was a day 18 years ago that I didn't think this would ever happen for me, I cried out to God and asked for strength to keep Him first even when that meant being alone, even if it meant for the rest of my life. I praise and thank God for holding me then and now and giving me a godly man who wants to keep our marriage  holy also. We have grown, changed, and not changed as much as we would like, but we do it together with God has our foundation. 

E= enough

I was driving down the road today and my gas tank was almost on E. I remember someone once telling me e=enough...just enough to work or the store or the next time I stop. He ran out of gas more than once.  I then realized I do the same thing with God. I am always wanting just enough of Him to get by on. If life is in a panic like it was with SSI this last week I come to Him often, crying out praying, reading looking for guidance, assurance, peace, etc. Then when the crisis is overted or over I back off...why? It seems most of us want just enough of a lot of things to get by. I only drink the minium of water of healthy choices in food and then go right back to soda, junk food etc. We want a quick fix with minimal effort. Haven't I figured out by now that enough is not God's best for me. Why don't I want to be filled to overflowing? Why do I quit when things start looking up, when I am almost there? We loose focus and get lazy, I am great at mediocre...not good!!! I have the God of the universe as my Father and He wants what is best. Is it any wonder He allows crisis to happen in my life just so I will run back to Him? I am tired of living with enough...I want an abundance of His grace, mercy, peace, strength, love, wisdom, etc.!! Enough is not enough, I want to overflow!

Lessons in the snow from a desert rat

Growing up in Southern Arizona there are a lot of things I can tell you about and appreciate about the desert. I knew what to do and not to do in the 100 plus heat, what kind of critters to look for and avoid. I knew how drive in a flash flood and monsoon and loved watching the thunder storms. I can name a lot of cacti and desert flora and fauna. A lot of this I took for granted until this desert rat moved to North Dakota. I am about as close to the Canadian border as I use to be to the Mexican border. I am now in the middle of my second winter up here and I can tell you there is a lot I didn't know and probably still don't, little things that those grew up here take for granted ( I did in the desert) and big things like how to drive on ice...fun. All of this to say I have learned a lot and continue too learn new stuff every day. God is teaching me so much through snow, cold, ice, ear muffs, etc. 

I love to watch the snow fall especially in the early morning when I am the only one awake. It is beautiful, peaceful and fascinating. I see the fresh snow and how crisp and clean it is and remember the Bible where it says "wash me and I shall be whiter than snow Psalm 51:7. The snow even in the dark of night can radiate. I get up and think a light must be on somewhere in the house. It can be blinding it is so bright. What's more is it doesn't take long for it to get dirty. Anything that isn't of God taints His beauty and it doesn't take a lot. One set of foot prints are easily seen in the snow, a little sand or dirt and it looses its pristine brilliance. I am the same way doing my own thing not God's. That is the influence of sin on God's perfect plan.

I also didn't know much about driving. I had heard of snow tires and chains but not studs and a block heater with a plug sticking out of your car engine?  Do you know what packed snow and ice sounds like on your tires when you are turning or backing out of your driveway? I didn't and all these sounds had me wondering if my van was in need of a tune up. Do I know the signs of needing a spiritual tune up? Am I assuming I know what I need or am I ready for anything God has for me. How about things to keep in your car for an emergency, I can tell you I didn't think about a lot of it ( salt or litter, candles, cans, lighters, sleeping bags, snacks, jumper cables (  the cold can drain a battery) I know most of these things I won't need but I have to carry them just in case. I feel like a Boy Scout, "always be prepared". Am I prepared for God's work?

Clothing is another learning experience for me. You can't have too many layers some days or enough gloves. We have a basket full of scarves, gloves, ear muffs, hats and more. We all have several coats now and depending on the temperature and wind determines which one we choose to wear that day. 30 degrees can feel like a nice Spring day now. I would have been freezing at that temperature in Arizona. Gloves can come with nose wipe areas on the thumb and are advertised this way, I laughed the first time I saw it. I wonder how much care I take with my spiritual clothing every day and do I know what I put on or better yet in my life?

I could go on and know I will learn more with each day. I never would have thought I would have lived in this much snow but I can say I have loved it and learned so much. I am thrilled to have this opportunity and if anyone moves to the desert from here I will be better prepared to help them with their transition.