Turning 50

This post will most likely short but also the beginning, again, of many. I just turned 50 and I have been contemplating all that it means to me. I am sure it is different for everyone but I have really thought about what I should do with this time in my life. So after a lot of different ideas, some of which I still may do, I have decided that I will write 50 new blog posts over the next year. I have woefully neglected my blog. I enjoyed it for so long and it helps me remember things I have noticed, learned, loved, and grown because of. So I am making myself accountable by doing this. No one may ever read any of this besides myself and that is okay. I want to look back over this year and even past that to my 50 years and remember. God has brought me this far and I know He won't leave me now. I want to write it down because, let's face it, my memory isn't grand. I want to look back when I, like the Israelites forget. I want my children to see what God has done and will do. I want 50 to be amazing. It starts today, actually it began just over a week ago. I realize that means one post a week maybe more but God shows me things daily through my children, job, church, friends, and just life in general. I need to just be aware of it. So here is to 50 and all that I want it to be!

A long year

It has been a year since my personal retreat and let me just say it has been a long hard year. Every time I felt I was getting a grip something else would knocke me down. Several knew how hard I fell. I was willing to break down and shut down. I know all the things we tell ourselves and others about getting back up or just have faith or everyones favorite...God has a purpose and He works all things for good. I have heard it all. I have said it all. To others and to myself. Why do we think that bad things won't happen when we are already down and discouraged? Why would we think that Satan would leave us alone when we are wounded? He doesn't I can promise you that personally. This life is hard and you can only be strong on your own for so long and then you will break, you will shatter, you will give up. I have done all three within the last year and if it were not for a gracious and mercifull Savior I would be in a mental facility. I am just being honest here. I have had more than I can take, much more, too much. I want easy, I want comfortable, I want happy, I want, I want, I want. Do you hear the problem? "I WANT" It is all about me, me, me. Only it isn't about me and it never has been. That is hard to admit because I don't like it. Pride comes in many forms, not just the obvious arogance ones. Pride is also being afraid of change or faliure or looking foolish, because it is still about me. Years ago I prayed that God would make me a vessel broken and use completly for Him. He took me at my word and when He started working I didn't like it. I wanted to be used the way I thought was best ( in my comfort zone) or at least in a way that made me look great and humble. boy listen to that. No wonder this year has been hard. There has been a lot this last year that I had a good reason to complain about and ask God why but that doesn't mean I can quit. God loves me too much to let me just sit and complain. This last year has been hard but I have made it worse by my attitude and it has had far reaching affects. I need to be on my knees weeping in repentance before my God and my King. I need to tell my loved ones far and wide thank you for carrying me in prayer and I am beyond sorry. The light is coming out again and I am so gratefull. I love my Lord and my family and Satan has not won in my life! I am a child of the Great I AM!!!!! Lord use me as You see fit (even if that means moving again in a few months :P  He knows what is best and need to sit humbly at His feet!! I can't wait to see what this next year holds for me. 

Desperate but not serious

I am a product of the 80's and one of my favorite singers of that decade was Adam Ant. I was recently listening to one of his songs...Desperate, but not Serious and I started thinking how true those words really are for most of us if not all.  I will tell you I am desperate to loose weight and exercies but anyone who knows me knows how easily I quit. It is the same with anything and for anyone. We as a society are desperate for change and answers but we all want a quick fix or a pill or a book that will take care of whatever it is we want changed. I have a friend who has lost over a hundred pounds and do you know how she did it? She was serious! She was past desperate and wanted change enough to do something about it. Has it been easy? Has it been quick? No! Has she wanted to quit? Has it been difficult? Yes! She will be the first to tell you that she had to get to a point where she was both desperate and serious for this jounry to happen. She had to say enough is enough. We all need this. We have to hit rock bottom usually for us to get motivated enough to do anything that requires real work. So many of us will moan and groan and find others to sit with who agree how misserable we are. We are tired of being over weight, we are tired of not having anything in savings, we are tired of a messy house, we are tired....but we need to get serious or to finally use a different word, intentional. I know I do, I have no right to complain over and over if I am not going to do anything about it. There is no pill or quick fix for anything that matters or counts in life, except when you accept Christ, that is quick easy and you can do it now, but that is another blog and even that once you have done it you need to study, pray be discipled etc. in order to truly grow as a christian. I am trying to get serious about several things and I will share those in the next several days. I can no longer just be desperate, being desperate isn't enough. The next time I hear the Adam Ant song I don't think I will listen to it the same way....see the 80's music can teach us something :D

My personal retreat

 I went away this weekend, okay more like ran away. Life has been crazy lately and I have not been spending time with God like I should. I could feel it and it wasn't good. I wasn't sure what to expect but I knew God had a plan even if I didn't so I went expecting to meet my Savoir and I wasn't disappointed. I was blessed beyond what I could have imagined. Why was I so surprised? God loves to spend time with me, He wanted to meet me in my hotel room and spend time with me, speaking to me hearing me cry out and worshiping Him. The fellowship was truly special.

I packed up my Bible, journal, a couple of books and devotionals. I went to the store to pick up some pens, highlighters and some insight as to what to expect. I was wanting God to speak, I knew I wanted a memorial to mark this weekend and remember, much like the Old Testament memorials. As  I was walking up and down the aisles I saw some small ceramic cups. Anyone that knows me knows that I love the song and story Broken and Spilled Out, it has been my personal prayer for 20 plus years. I love the idea of being broken and used by the master potter. I grabbed a small cup knowing I wanted to have communion with my Lord. I went to another store and came up with a small ornate box but still felt I was missing a big piece of my weekend. I had been up and down every aisle and was about to give up when I saw a small bag of old fashioned keys, I felt that this was it but couldn't fathom why.

I went to my room to prepare for my weekend. I was excited to get started, I prayed, I worshiped, I opened God's Word. The first verse God gave me was so amazing and I knew it was my promise for my weekend, it is Hosea 6:1-3 Come let me return to the Lord, for it is He who has torn and He will heal me.He has struck down and He will bind me up. After 2 days He will revive me, on the 3rd day He will raise me up, that I may live before Him.Let me know, let me press on to know the Lord.His appearing is as sure as the dawn, He will come to me like the showers, like the spring rains that water the earth.  I found this exciting because I would be at my hotel for 3 days. This was a promise for me. I researched key/keys, I didn't even scratch the surface but it was thrilling. A key represents a treasure, give it to someone and it says I want you to have control, power...I trust you! Each key I had represented a different aspect I needed to let go of or give to God. I prayed over each one, I cried out about my fears, concerns and worries and ultimately laid each one in the box and at God's feet. I used my cup for the Lord's Supper and then broke it and put it too in the box. An amazing weekend all around, God didn't just show up He restored me. Did I mention the cup, which I had purchased before the keys had a key symbol on the bottom...a coincidence, I don't think so :D The ride home which was 2 hours was a great ending to a fantastic weekend i will never forget. God I love you!!!!  

Time for locks

The Bible tells us there is a time for everything under the sun. I have heard these words, I believe them, I understand them, or at least I thought I did. I am now having to do something I never thought I would, most people don't have to do this and I have never known anyone else that has to. The time has come for locks. Not just any locks but locks in our kitchen, on every part of it that contains food. I have avoided this for as long as possible and really we should have done it a year ago. Prader Willi is a very ugly thing and while I know that God has used it and will continue to do so to grow me and my family I hate it. Jennifer is 15 years old and no matter how healthy she eats or how little she continues to gain weight. She is always hungry to the point of starving in her mind and is willing to risk almost anything to get food, she is now sneaking and probably has been longer than I care to think about. This makes it all too real, something I have tried to avoid. She was diagnosed at 4 weeks old so you would think I would have accepted it by now. I am finding out I haven't, I try to normalize her life (which I now is good) and make her work just as hard as her brothers or anyone else. We don't try and allow her to use Prader Willi as an excuse for not doing something we expect of her even if it means working harder than the average teen. Locking up the food gives me a reality check, a wake up call, a what ever you want to call it. I have to come face to face with the fact my daughter has some major struggles and she is not like everyone else. I feel like a huge failure when it comes to her food. If I had just tried harder, been more disciplined, not letting up she wouldn't be as big as she is and have the problems she does. Maybe those who give their children a lettuce leaf with a little sugar and call it a treat are doing it right and I am not. I am questioning everything I do with her and beating myself up. I know this is a lie from Satan but it is hard. I really thought if we tried hard enough this day wouldn't have to come. This doesn't feel normal. I had a very wise friend say this is normal, it is your normal. I just need to remember that and trust God for strength and peace.