Mosaics

I had the pleasure of going to see friends this weekend. I was busy almost constantly with different friends. I loved it, it was both comforting and healing. I went to dinner with some terrific friends Friday night. We have a lot in common, wives, mom's, our children are close in age, etc. We ate, talked, laughed and I got to talk about Jennifer. I needed it. Saturday morning I had brunch with another group of amazing ladies. They encouraged me, prayed for me and poured their wisdom into me. Their kids are mostly grown and out of the house, one has lost a child close in age to Jennifer. They ha e walked where I am walking, they survived and so will I. Saturday night I went to dinner with a great group of fellow educators. We used to work together and we laughed, talked about school and our education system, I talked about Jennifer and it felt good.  I also got some good one on one time with several friends over the weekend. I visited with families that Jennifer loved. I cried, I laughed and I did some healing. I started to realize that it takes all kinds of friend, family and situations to help me heal. I will never be the same, my life was shattered when Jennifer passed away. I do know though that I will heal. I look at my life as a mosaic, I had a beautiful life and family, I broke into a thousand pieces but all these wonderful people are helping me to become something just as beautiful. It will look different, it will take time, it might even be used differently, but it will be beautiful. They are the glue God uses to help me. I am so thankful. I don't know what I will look like in the days, weeks and even years ahead but I know I have a lot of amazing people in my life that are helping me put the pieces back together, thanks to God. 

Back to work

I started back to work this week. It was both difficult and good. I knew sitting at home wasn't going to help, especially when the boys went back to school. The idea of sitting around at home in a quiet house was not appealing. I would sulk, pout, whine, and get super depressed. All of that might be okay for a little while but not all day long every day. So I knew I needed to get back to doing what I love at school. I got up the first morning and it hit me. I didn't get to make Jennifer's lunch, I didn't get to check to make sure she was up and taking her shower (which she always was), she didn't come down the hall and ask what I put in her lunch and what she could have for breakfast. It was hard. I am sure the boys felt it also. 
Going into work was what I needed, I needed to keep busy and I love my job. They are supportive and appreciate me as well. They were glad to see me but most didn't know what to do or say. I wouldn't have known what to do or say either if I had been in their position. Sometimes it felt like there was the proverbial elephant in the room. It's okay because I know they do care. I can tell you for me personally, if you want to know what to do or say, ask. You can ask me just about anything, talk about my daughter, please! Yes I miss her but sharing what she went through or some of her stories is a privilege for me. I want to talk about her. I am also a hugger. I know some people are not but sometimes it's nice to have a hug, especially right now. And if I have a tear or two it's okay. Don't feel guilty for bringing up Jennifer, tears are going to come sometimes, especially for the next several months. It is a journey and a process. Finding joy and healing in this takes time but it happens. I still laugh and have peace and hope. God is holding myself and my family and lots of praying is getting us through. I thank God for my job and I am so grateful I have a place to go back to. It helps the healing. 

The year 2016

I could say that 2016 was a terrible year and a lot of people would agree with me or at least allow me to feel that way. The truth however is that 2016 was a pretty good year with the last 6 weeks being difficult. I can't pin the entire year on just the last several weeks. 

I work at a great school doing what I love. I have worked with several grades and teachers and have learned so much and they are such a great supportive group. My kids have grown and done some amazing things. As soon as Jennifer learned about prom in the Fall of 2015 she knew she would go. She had a confidence that I envied. She never doubted that someone would ask her to go, she even figured more than one would ask and she would choose. I always wanted to go to prom but never dreamed I would be asked. Jennifer was asked and went and had the time of her life. I loved watching blossom and grow into an amazing young lady. She tried out for a school play, again something I wouldn't have done even though I thought it would be fun. she got a part and even had a speaking part in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. I was so amazed and proud. She went to three different high schools but Sturgis was by far the best fit and she just came into her own and was loved. Levi continued to grow literally so tall and did great in school and drama. Nathaniel was a delight to watch grow and be crazy. He started having seizures but God has taken care of him and we delight in watching him try new things. We went to court to get permanent custody of Jennifer for her safety. We made it a celebration for all of us.  I was fortunate to go to camp for the 4th year in a row and work with some great kids and not just my own. They challenged me and I think I grew more than the amazing young people did. They are resilient and have gone through so much and still keep praising God. We had several friends visit over the summer, some of which we hadn't seen in years. We ended the summer with a wonderful visit with my mom and sister. We hadn't seen them in two years so it was super special. We saw God do some amazing things for us and others. In the middle of November Jennifer went into the hospital. We still saw God work and do great things. She will never finish high school, she was planning on going to Prom again this year, that won't happen and I grieve for what never will be.We had so many people encourage us and our family. People from all over the world that was have never met and those I hadn't heard from in years came together to pray and encourage us. We cried out to God and He heard. I have had people tell me it should have been them that God took not Jennifer but I disagree. As hard as it is I know Jennifer is with her Lord and Savior. Someone else may not be ready for that and dying without Christ means eternal separation from Him...Hell. I don't want that for anyone. So as much as I miss our beautiful girl I am grateful that she had chosen Christ and those who haven't still have a chance. I know already that 2017 is going to be painful and a lot of healing and growing. I accept that and expect it. I am as ready as I can be. I will cry, I will laugh, I will grieve, I will grow. I will survive because I have Christ and I have hope. I pray that each of you have a 2017 that is full of growth and blessings.

Alone isn't bad

Now that everyone has left, I find myself sitting alone. Many have told me to call them or go out and do something to stay busy. It makes sense and I appreciate it. Sometimes it is what I need to do, but also I need this quiet alone time. It helps me to truly grieve and try to accept that Jennifer is gone. I need to go and sit on her bed and cry or even yell "I don't like this!" It is okay to be alone because if I am always with someone I won't grieve and move forward. It isn't my way to really break down and sob uncontrollably or even a little in front of people. I don't tend to cry in public but I will when I am all alone. I need prayer and support and I love, love, love to talk about all my favorite memories of Jennifer and I couldn't do that without so many wonderful people but if I don't spend every waking minute with someone please don't worry. I will eventually call, text or visit. I just need to curl up in the fetal position and cry out to God a lot right now. He has the best lap to sit and cry in. He understands what I am going through and how I best need to deal with everything. I couldn't do this without Him.

A new normal

I took my mom and sister to the airport this morning and that means everyone has now left. I didn't want them to leave and yet I did. Now reality will definitely set in. A part of me has been living in denial, I still can't believe my Sweetcheeks is gone. I have to come home to our new normal. I honestly don't know what that will look like. A lot of it will be harder and yet some of it will be easier. I will no longer have to lock the food up and that is a relief but hear  me, that doesn't mean I am glad. I would rather have my beautiful girl here with all of the challenges we faced. Life will be different, we will laugh, we will cry, it will be painful at times and we will move forward. Do we really have a choice? I am grateful for Paul and my two boys, they'll help keep me going, even when I don't want to get out of bed, they will give me reasons to go on. We will make new memories and recall old ones. I don't know when the reality of all of this will sink in, maybe when we go through her room. I am not ready for that yet. There will be times I won't want to go on and the pain will be huge and make it hard to breathe. I will help my boys navigate this new reality and preserve our memories of our sweet and amazing girl who was and will always be my hero. Jennifer I miss and love you so much and heaven can't come soon enough for me to see you again!!!