Jealousy

What do you think of when you think of jealousy? Usually it is a green eyed monster that makes us crazy beyond all reason. It isn't something we like in our spouse...at least not in extremes. Well I have been dealing with it in a very different way for the last several years. It started slowly, when I first moved away from my family by more than just a couple of hours. We were called to ministry and moved to Ft. Worth Texas. For me it was a very difficult adjustment. To say that I am close to my family would be an understatement, they are my whole world. Moving just proved it. I was so home sick, but not only did we survive, our marriage was better for it. Paul and I learned to be a family unit with just God and the kids. It wasn't easy but it was needed. When seminary was over and we were called to Florida I was ready. I had already been away from my family for 4 years now. I was excited even though it meant being even farther away. We came and fell in love with the people of GGBC in Callahan. We knew this is where we were suppose to be...again, just like seminary. I became very close to the people of our church. I was always told you don't do this as a ministers wife. Let me just say I AM NOT SORRY! They were and continue to be a blessing to me. However God was still teaching me much about jealously. We serve an amazing God. The Great I Am! He is also a jealous God...jealous? Really like a green eyes monster? I don't think that is the way it works with Him. Yes He is jealous but it is a righteous jealousy because He loves us so much and wants what is best for us. When He is not first...no when He is not everything to us, we are going to suffer. He doesn't want that. He doesn't want us to hurt. He knows what we need. Anyway, I was close to God and growing every day, but I was also depending on my coffee ladies and a few others more than I should. God didn't want to be one of the most important things in my my, He wanted to be the ONLY thing. I rarely went to Him first. I would talk to my sister or a friend. I would ask them to pray. Then I would think to do it too. I remember hearing very clearly, God saying " if I took away your coffee ladies and the support of this church would you still praise ME in this storm or any storm?" I said " of course but what a silly unnecessary question." God took them away with in a matter of a couple of weeks after that conversation He and I had. Let me just say at this point I had be praying and fasting a lot. God knows our heart and He knew I was still very dependent on others.

Most know just how painful leaving was. It felt like a divorce or death. It was and still is at times a very real hurt. I had never hurt like that before. I said "OK God I get it, You are not going to share Your place in my life. You are number one". Well that was short lived. My sister became my life line. We talked daily for at least an hour. We would share what God was showing us and pray. It also got to the point where I called her any time I panicked, was stressed, worried or even excited. I wanted to share everything with her first. Now I don't believe God took her from me to say ha ha and it is all your fault she is gone. No I know she was ready to go. God did use it again to show me...ME first. I created you I love you more than anyone.come to ME!!! 

I have been away from Callahan for over 2 years now and Carrie has been gone for almost 2 years. God even scared me with the idea of losing Paul. I do not have any really really close friends here. I believe the reason is God is still trying to get it through my thick head. He doesn't share His glory. He knows my heart. I want more than anything to make Him my all and all. I pray for this...have been for years. He is answering too. I truly believe once I put Him first and keep Him first, He will give me a close friend again. He will give me the desires of my heart. I just need to stop letting others share His spot. "You will have NO other gods before Me. You shall not make for yourself an idol or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth. You shall not worship them or serve them, for I the Lord Your God am a jealous God. Exodus 20: 3-5

Please hear my heart. Friends and family are a must. I long for the day I have a friend locally I can talk to every day again. God just knows where I am right now and what He is teaching me. I need to run to Him first for everything. The prodigal did not run to a friend or even his brother, he ran to His Father. That is what I want and what I am learning. Look what it took for the prodigal son to run to him...I hope I don't loose everything in order to see my need to run to my Father first and only for saving, mercy and grace and forgiveness.

God please be my everything!!

Grieving

Right now I am grieving. Some wonderful friends in Florida were killed in a car accident. One of the hardest things for me is that I am not there to share the grief with the rest of the family and friends, It sounds selfish but I feel alone in my grief. I want to be there hugging, praying and crying with Priscilla, Amber, and so many more. I loved Linda. She was an amazingly strong woman. She had been through so much and still had a sweet spirit. She was in our Beth Moore bible study at my house when we lived there. When we moved she asked if I thought it was all right that she take over as the leader. She didn't feel she could do it but she wanted to. I was thrilled and I know she did great. She was part of my coffee ladies that I still miss so much. I have a beautiful poncho that she knitted for me as Christmas gift. It is soft, warm, and a wonderful camel color. I ues it all the time. My sister even threatens to take it from me. I alway thought I would ask Linda to make another one and I would give it to my sister. I guess I took too long to ask. She also made dish towels. She wanted to sell them to make some money. I loved them and wanted to buy a few. She didn't wnat me to pay her. That was just the way she was. I put some money in the basket at her home anyway when she gave me the towels. She and Earl will be so missed. I have been trying to write to everyone I know and let them know how much they mean to me. I am only starting the C's right now. I hadn't gotten to the L's . I wish I had. I will let her family know how much she meant to me and hope I move a little faster through my list. I don't want to miss another chance to let anyone know I love them. I still want to be there. Alone in your grief is a very hard place to be. 

I am Living Proof (part 2)

It has been a few days and I am finally taking the time to write down some of what I learned from Beth Moore. What is sad and all to common with me is, I forget so quickly. I had such insight and excitement while I was there ad I couldn't wait to get home and start living the way God wanted. I am embarrassed to state that nothing seems to have changed and I had to go back to my notes (thank God I took them) to refresh my memory.

Most know that I want to do big things for God. I feel I have a lot I can share. I need to be honest, that is true but I would love to feel important too. It feels great to be loved, admired and even closer to God than most. Oh, how prideful and God will not share His glory. I know most in ministry struggle with this or maybe it isn't a struggle, but I can't compare myself to those who seem to have it all. God knows their hearts. It is frustrating to see others succeed when I know they are proud too, again not my place to do anything. God knows my heart and what I need to learn. What God has for me, is just that, only for me! The tomb alone is empty not my life. Christ's tomb is empty so I can be full. My calling is too big for me. I NEED God to accomplish it. I can not speak for God when I don't even comprehend what is happening. Think of Job, he didn't try and explain what was happening. I can not assume to get it. I need to live like the new creation that I am in Christ, not the old one with no hope.I serve the God of creation the Great I AM. I don't want to get to heaven and think I didn't think big enough of my God. He rose from the dead, He created everything I see. He can do so much more with me than I am letting Him do. 

Now let me say I still hate waiting and I still don't know what the next step is. I feel I am willing to take the next step if I just knew what it was. Pray for me. Pray that I will hear clearly from God and take the next step.

God is bigger than we can ever dream, so DREAM BIG!!!!! He can handle it.

I am Living Proof (part1)

Anyone who knows me very well, knows that I love doing Bible studies, especially Beth Moores. She is not only knowledgeable but has an excitement that is contagious to me. I love digging into God's Word with her and learning so much. When I found out that she was coming to Tucson I was wanting to go. I got tickets for my mom and I and started waiting for March 26th to come. When the weekend got cloes I realized that I was going to miss Jennifer's Olympics and Levi's pinewood derby ARGH!!!! I wasn't happy but I knew that I was suppose to go hear Beth and let God speak to me. I prayed, I prepared ( not as much as I should have though) I packed and I was ready. I did go to Jennifer's sportsday to get ready for the olympics and watched Levi make his car. I left them notes and told them I loved them and I was off. Note that I did have a lot of guilt still and hoped my kids wouldn't hate me.
Mom and I got to TCC early and parked. We then proceeded to find a place to have a relaxing and early dinner. I was so excited I was trying to pray that God would speak to me and not just act like some crazy groupie or fan. When Travis Cottrell came out and starting leading worship I knew that God was present and I wasn't going to be disappoined. He truly wanted to lead us in worship and not just show off his singing abilities. I love to worship through music. It is one of the most fullfilling ways that I connect with my Lord and Savoir. I purchased one of Travis's CD's so I could continue worshipping long after the conference was over. I knew most of the songs (amazing in itself) and the ones I didn't just hit me and I loved them. I could have left then and been filled. I also knew they woudl sing again at the end of the night and Sat. a couple of times. Wow, and Beth wasn't even speaking yet. God came and He didn't disappoint.
When Beth came out she seemd very real and aproachable. She was not all about herself but about her Savior. She wanted us to draw closer to our Lord and hear from Him not her. I learned and heard lots of things. I am still processing a lot of it. I tooks tons of notes, and purchased a couple of books, not just Beth's. I have so much to still share and learn but this will have to continue on the next entry.
I am living proof that God is a God of grace and mercy!

14 years of wedded bliss?

Yesterday was our 14th wedding anniversary. I remember the proposle and wedding very well. I loved all of it. I felt I had waited forever for that moment to arrive. I love my husband more that words can say. I wouldn't change being married for anything. It has been an amazing journey. But happlily ever after? Not always, not even close sometimes. I knew marriage was work and no one was perfect, but wow, we have been through some very painful stuff. What surprises me most is the fact that we have grown the most through the hard stuff. I have gotten stronger and hopefully more christ-like through the crap we have had to deal with. We are closer and communicate better because of it all. Paul has seen me at my worse and I have seen him at his. We still stay together and we don't just do it to prove a point. We stay together because we want to. We are more in love now than ever, Does the romance get lost? Yes sometimes it does, but knowing we have stuck together and will continue to makes me feel safe and loved. I will always want more romance, more snuggling, more talking, but I will never want that with anyone else. I love my sweet prince. I waited a lifetime for him and he was and still is worth it!