Desperate but not serious

I am a product of the 80's and one of my favorite singers of that decade was Adam Ant. I was recently listening to one of his songs...Desperate, but not Serious and I started thinking how true those words really are for most of us if not all.  I will tell you I am desperate to loose weight and exercies but anyone who knows me knows how easily I quit. It is the same with anything and for anyone. We as a society are desperate for change and answers but we all want a quick fix or a pill or a book that will take care of whatever it is we want changed. I have a friend who has lost over a hundred pounds and do you know how she did it? She was serious! She was past desperate and wanted change enough to do something about it. Has it been easy? Has it been quick? No! Has she wanted to quit? Has it been difficult? Yes! She will be the first to tell you that she had to get to a point where she was both desperate and serious for this jounry to happen. She had to say enough is enough. We all need this. We have to hit rock bottom usually for us to get motivated enough to do anything that requires real work. So many of us will moan and groan and find others to sit with who agree how misserable we are. We are tired of being over weight, we are tired of not having anything in savings, we are tired of a messy house, we are tired....but we need to get serious or to finally use a different word, intentional. I know I do, I have no right to complain over and over if I am not going to do anything about it. There is no pill or quick fix for anything that matters or counts in life, except when you accept Christ, that is quick easy and you can do it now, but that is another blog and even that once you have done it you need to study, pray be discipled etc. in order to truly grow as a christian. I am trying to get serious about several things and I will share those in the next several days. I can no longer just be desperate, being desperate isn't enough. The next time I hear the Adam Ant song I don't think I will listen to it the same way....see the 80's music can teach us something :D

My personal retreat

 I went away this weekend, okay more like ran away. Life has been crazy lately and I have not been spending time with God like I should. I could feel it and it wasn't good. I wasn't sure what to expect but I knew God had a plan even if I didn't so I went expecting to meet my Savoir and I wasn't disappointed. I was blessed beyond what I could have imagined. Why was I so surprised? God loves to spend time with me, He wanted to meet me in my hotel room and spend time with me, speaking to me hearing me cry out and worshiping Him. The fellowship was truly special.

I packed up my Bible, journal, a couple of books and devotionals. I went to the store to pick up some pens, highlighters and some insight as to what to expect. I was wanting God to speak, I knew I wanted a memorial to mark this weekend and remember, much like the Old Testament memorials. As  I was walking up and down the aisles I saw some small ceramic cups. Anyone that knows me knows that I love the song and story Broken and Spilled Out, it has been my personal prayer for 20 plus years. I love the idea of being broken and used by the master potter. I grabbed a small cup knowing I wanted to have communion with my Lord. I went to another store and came up with a small ornate box but still felt I was missing a big piece of my weekend. I had been up and down every aisle and was about to give up when I saw a small bag of old fashioned keys, I felt that this was it but couldn't fathom why.

I went to my room to prepare for my weekend. I was excited to get started, I prayed, I worshiped, I opened God's Word. The first verse God gave me was so amazing and I knew it was my promise for my weekend, it is Hosea 6:1-3 Come let me return to the Lord, for it is He who has torn and He will heal me.He has struck down and He will bind me up. After 2 days He will revive me, on the 3rd day He will raise me up, that I may live before Him.Let me know, let me press on to know the Lord.His appearing is as sure as the dawn, He will come to me like the showers, like the spring rains that water the earth.  I found this exciting because I would be at my hotel for 3 days. This was a promise for me. I researched key/keys, I didn't even scratch the surface but it was thrilling. A key represents a treasure, give it to someone and it says I want you to have control, power...I trust you! Each key I had represented a different aspect I needed to let go of or give to God. I prayed over each one, I cried out about my fears, concerns and worries and ultimately laid each one in the box and at God's feet. I used my cup for the Lord's Supper and then broke it and put it too in the box. An amazing weekend all around, God didn't just show up He restored me. Did I mention the cup, which I had purchased before the keys had a key symbol on the bottom...a coincidence, I don't think so :D The ride home which was 2 hours was a great ending to a fantastic weekend i will never forget. God I love you!!!!  

Time for locks

The Bible tells us there is a time for everything under the sun. I have heard these words, I believe them, I understand them, or at least I thought I did. I am now having to do something I never thought I would, most people don't have to do this and I have never known anyone else that has to. The time has come for locks. Not just any locks but locks in our kitchen, on every part of it that contains food. I have avoided this for as long as possible and really we should have done it a year ago. Prader Willi is a very ugly thing and while I know that God has used it and will continue to do so to grow me and my family I hate it. Jennifer is 15 years old and no matter how healthy she eats or how little she continues to gain weight. She is always hungry to the point of starving in her mind and is willing to risk almost anything to get food, she is now sneaking and probably has been longer than I care to think about. This makes it all too real, something I have tried to avoid. She was diagnosed at 4 weeks old so you would think I would have accepted it by now. I am finding out I haven't, I try to normalize her life (which I now is good) and make her work just as hard as her brothers or anyone else. We don't try and allow her to use Prader Willi as an excuse for not doing something we expect of her even if it means working harder than the average teen. Locking up the food gives me a reality check, a wake up call, a what ever you want to call it. I have to come face to face with the fact my daughter has some major struggles and she is not like everyone else. I feel like a huge failure when it comes to her food. If I had just tried harder, been more disciplined, not letting up she wouldn't be as big as she is and have the problems she does. Maybe those who give their children a lettuce leaf with a little sugar and call it a treat are doing it right and I am not. I am questioning everything I do with her and beating myself up. I know this is a lie from Satan but it is hard. I really thought if we tried hard enough this day wouldn't have to come. This doesn't feel normal. I had a very wise friend say this is normal, it is your normal. I just need to remember that and trust God for strength and peace.

Time flys when...time just flys

Here comes the bride...17 years ago today I walked down the aisle to that very song. It was something I had dreamed of my entire life and had serious doubts as to whether it would ever happen. You can ask my friend Dawn just how I felt, I am sure she hasn't forgotten. She was my Matron of Honor and I had stayed the night at her house, not sleeping but talking most of the night after the dress rehearsal. We went and got our hair done together before heading to the church and did more talking. I relished every moment and detail of the days up to and including my wedding. There is little if anything I would change...maybe some pictures, food or the dresses not being so hot; even though it was March in Arizona it was still warm. None of that has changed the fact that I have been married to the man of my dreams now for 17 years, that is one thing I would never change. He was worth waiting for and I love him more today than I did then. Do I believe in happily ever after...yes and no. Life hasn't been perfect but it wouldn't have been without my Sweet Prince either. He has helped make me into the woman I am today, he is the reason I have 3 incredible kids that call me mom every day. He is the reason I get to celebrate an Anniversary that I wondered if it would ever come. He has taken me places I never thought I would go and learned to love. I fail him often and he still loves me, I think he could say the same thing...he better ;) We are good together, we are not perfect but we are perfect for each other. I can't believe 17 years have come and gone, now days that seems to be some kind of record but I can honestly say I have NEVER considered not staying married to my Sweet Prince, even with our ups and downs it has been and incredible ride and God has held us every step of the way. There was a day 18 years ago that I didn't think this would ever happen for me, I cried out to God and asked for strength to keep Him first even when that meant being alone, even if it meant for the rest of my life. I praise and thank God for holding me then and now and giving me a godly man who wants to keep our marriage  holy also. We have grown, changed, and not changed as much as we would like, but we do it together with God has our foundation. 

E= enough

I was driving down the road today and my gas tank was almost on E. I remember someone once telling me e=enough...just enough to work or the store or the next time I stop. He ran out of gas more than once.  I then realized I do the same thing with God. I am always wanting just enough of Him to get by on. If life is in a panic like it was with SSI this last week I come to Him often, crying out praying, reading looking for guidance, assurance, peace, etc. Then when the crisis is overted or over I back off...why? It seems most of us want just enough of a lot of things to get by. I only drink the minium of water of healthy choices in food and then go right back to soda, junk food etc. We want a quick fix with minimal effort. Haven't I figured out by now that enough is not God's best for me. Why don't I want to be filled to overflowing? Why do I quit when things start looking up, when I am almost there? We loose focus and get lazy, I am great at mediocre...not good!!! I have the God of the universe as my Father and He wants what is best. Is it any wonder He allows crisis to happen in my life just so I will run back to Him? I am tired of living with enough...I want an abundance of His grace, mercy, peace, strength, love, wisdom, etc.!! Enough is not enough, I want to overflow!