Saturday, March 25, 2017
The Silent Treatment, we have all heard of it and know what it means, but for me it doesn't mean being silent. If or should I say when, I get upset, angry or hurt at someone, I will likely still talk to them but it will be vague, or shallow. When I don't want to talk to my husband I will still say things like, "did you pick up the prescriptions" or "I have a PTA meeting next week". He may ask me "what's for dinner?" and I will answer. However I don't say what is really bothering me or anything of great importance. Anyone watching us sees everything as being fine. For me it is the same way with God. I didn't even realize it at first. For the last several months I have been going through the motions or spending time wth God. This is good that I still have the habit, we need it during the hard times especially. I wake up I read my devotional I pray etc. but it is very generic, like saying grace before a meal. I have read the same devotional several days in a row because I honestly don't remember what I have read. I don't participate in Sunday School like I have. Anyone that knows me knows that I love to talk.. I haven't been. I show up, I go through the motions but there is no depth. I don't pray like I should. I am not doing my Bible study. I tell God I am sad but I don't cry out and say what I am truly feeing: " I love You, I trust You, but this hurts, this doesn't feel fair, etc." and I don't listen for His reply. I am trying to punish Him by not speaking to Him but it is really hurting me and my family. A friend of mine said Satan is attacking. I shouldn't be surprised. Beth Moore once said, that Satan will attack when you are down. We think he won't because we have already been through so much, but Satan is no gentleman, he is going to take every opportunity he can. He is a liar, thief, devourer. So why should I not expect it? I see the results of it clearly when I open my eyes. My relationships are hurting, my house is really suffering, even for me. I hate house work but it's worse than ever. My family is suffering. I don't think I even realized at first that I wasn't talking to God, I think it has taken a while to see the effects it is having. While we are still hurting, it seems to be getting worse not better. Satan is loving it I am sure. I haven't been spending time with my Lord and Savior like I really should or my family. I need to crawl into my Abba Father's lap and cry, however long that takes. I need to tell Him that I don't like this, that it hurts, and I miss Jennifer way too much for this to be okay or fair. I want my boys to have their sister back. They are hurting and it shows, maybe not in the same way as I am but I see it affecting them. God is close to the broken hearted, there are so many scriptures I could go to and pour over, but I haven't. When I give my husband the silent treatment we both hurt but I think I suffer more. I loose communication with my best friend, I feel alone and isolated. It is the same way with God. I hurt, I am alone, I loose that comfort that I need and I suffer, so does my family. I need to break the silence, it's not like God doesn't already know how I feel, or what I will say. He wants to help me grieve and heal but I need to let him. Abba Father, help me to find my voice again.