Friday, September 25, 2009

Jelousy and envy

I woke up this morning in a really good mood. I have been doing an in depth Bible study and have really been praying and seeking after God. Life is on track and I am excited about what God is going to do in my life and in Paul's.
Then I checked e-mail. I received 2 different updates from friends who are as opposite as possible. One is in California and is a working professional and the other is in Florida family who literally live by faith in all they do. They both sent updates on what all is happening in their lives. This doesn't happen often either, my friend in Ca. does it maybe once a year at best. Both updates were exciting and full of the things God is doing. He is moving in mighty ways on both coasts and it is wonderful to see my friends being a part of all He is doing.
Satan is alive and well. When I read both updates, I immediately got upset. My good mood vanished and I pouted. Why are they all being used and not me? I am ready, I have been waiting for a very long time. I am seeking. It isn't fair that amazing things are going on with them and I sit in a basement in Safford Arizona checking off the days. I love these friends and yet I find myself asking "why them and not me, are they so much better than I am?" I shouldn't be surprised at these feelings. Satan doesn't like it when we are praising God and in His Will. I know I am getting there. I stopped and started praying Scripture. I know God has plans for Goldie O'Dell and they are wonderful. I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I know He loves me beyond anything I can comprehend. I was letting Satan bring me down. My friends are hearing from God and doing what He has called them to do. I can not do what they are doing ( one signs at worship conferences). I almost let my day be ruined be my focus slipping down and not staying up. I will be honest, it still hurts a little and I am frustrated to sit and wait. I feel I have waited a long time and learned a lot, but apparently I am not ready to move on. So I wait and praise, and wait and praise. God owes me nothing and only He knows what and when He wants me to be used by Him.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

WARNING...menopause is the topic

Well let me just say that I was not prepared for what I thought would be menopause. I saw the musical after all, what more did I need, the soundtrack? My mom had no problems, just stopped around age 41...poof, so not fair.
I started having perimenopause symptoms almost 10 years ago. No doctors would take it seriously. I was told all the time "I was too young". They didn't listen to my symptoms, hear my family history ( mom was very young) or would even run tests. They didn't see a reason. While my cycles and symptoms started really going crazy so was I. Finally six months ago I had my doctor do blood work ( just to humor me). When I went back in he was shocked, my tests confirmed what I already knew. He just kept saying "but you are so young" I should be grateful that he thinks I am too young. I also was not aware of just how many symptoms there really are. I knew about hot flashes, I have had them for a few years now. I know about the messed up cycles that will not let you leave your house at times, ( a lot of times you can't even leave the bathroom). I have heard a little about the depression. I thought I was just going through so much in the last couple of years that that was the reason for being a little down in the dumps. I don't sleep well at night, and I don't want to get up in the morning. I have no energy and then I feel guilty for not getting things done. I didn't know that my memory would be sooooo terrible. I can't remember anything and feel stupid. At least I know I am married, have 3 kids and where I live. My favorite symptom is the menopause acne. I never had acne in school. God was kind to me. Now it looks like I took a brillo pad to my forehead. I don't know what to do and my pride is totally embarrassed about it. Makeup only works a little. I feel much sorrier for teens with this problem than I ever thought I would. The last issue I have I was so not expecting. My family is complete. Paul and I agreed about that after Nathaniel was born. Paul had it taken care of for us and I was OK with it. Now that I know I am done ovulating, (I don't miss the bleeding at all, although I still have the cramps at times,) the idea that I am finished is more depressing than I ever thought it would be. I can cry just thinking about not being pregnant ever again. Seeing a new born really can set me off. I think it is just the idea of being too old and I hate it. Paul thinks I am crazy of course, and maybe I am. I hope these symptoms go away soon. I don't want to be like Sarah and Abraham...but a baby?
I need prozac and prayer!

I'm back!!!!

Well, Summer is way over, the computer crashed, and life has been crazy. I am now up and running (make that walking) on our old computer. The summer came and went and I am not sure where or how. Levi did learn to swim and even earned his cub scout, belt loop and pin for it. I reconnected with some old friends through facebook and got to spend a couple of days with some of them in Phoenix, and some of them in Tucson. Paul is still having back problems and I think it may never change. It is hard and it affects all of us. Jennifer is defiantly a preteen with mood swings and attitude, She is hungry and stealing food more and it hurts and frustrates me. Levi is at a charter school this year and only goes 4 days a week. I don't think he likes it any better but he loves the 3 day weekends. Nathaniel is still into everything and tires me out just watching him and saying no. He would love to be in school but isn't ready to sit still and pay attention. He needs an old T. V. to take apart and play with. I am still seeking God and waiting on Him. I am not good at this and I am tired of being in my mother-in-laws basement and living in a Mormon community. I hope to keep up again, because this is much needed therapy for me.