Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Alone isn't bad

Now that everyone has left, I find myself sitting alone. Many have told me to call them or go out and do something to stay busy. It makes sense and I appreciate it. Sometimes it is what I need to do, but also I need this quiet alone time. It helps me to truly grieve and try to accept that Jennifer is gone. I need to go and sit on her bed and cry or even yell "I don't like this!" It is okay to be alone because if I am always with someone I won't grieve and move forward. It isn't my way to really break down and sob uncontrollably or even a little in front of people. I don't tend to cry in public but I will when I am all alone. I need prayer and support and I love, love, love to talk about all my favorite memories of Jennifer and I couldn't do that without so many wonderful people but if I don't spend every waking minute with someone please don't worry. I will eventually call, text or visit. I just need to curl up in the fetal position and cry out to God a lot right now. He has the best lap to sit and cry in. He understands what I am going through and how I best need to deal with everything. I couldn't do this without Him.

Monday, December 26, 2016

A new normal

I took my mom and sister to the airport this morning and that means everyone has now left. I didn't want them to leave and yet I did. Now reality will definitely set in. A part of me has been living in denial, I still can't believe my Sweetcheeks is gone. I have to come home to our new normal. I honestly don't know what that will look like. A lot of it will be harder and yet some of it will be easier. I will no longer have to lock the food up and that is a relief but hear  me, that doesn't mean I am glad. I would rather have my beautiful girl here with all of the challenges we faced. Life will be different, we will laugh, we will cry, it will be painful at times and we will move forward. Do we really have a choice? I am grateful for Paul and my two boys, they'll help keep me going, even when I don't want to get out of bed, they will give me reasons to go on. We will make new memories and recall old ones. I don't know when the reality of all of this will sink in, maybe when we go through her room. I am not ready for that yet. There will be times I won't want to go on and the pain will be huge and make it hard to breathe. I will help my boys navigate this new reality and preserve our memories of our sweet and amazing girl who was and will always be my hero. Jennifer I miss and love you so much and heaven can't come soon enough for me to see you again!!!

Friday, June 3, 2016

Turning 50

This post will most likely short but also the beginning, again, of many. I just turned 50 and I have been contemplating all that it means to me. I am sure it is different for everyone but I have really thought about what I should do with this time in my life. So after a lot of different ideas, some of which I still may do, I have decided that I will write 50 new blog posts over the next year. I have woefully neglected my blog. I enjoyed it for so long and it helps me remember things I have noticed, learned, loved, and grown because of. So I am making myself accountable by doing this. No one may ever read any of this besides myself and that is okay. I want to look back over this year and even past that to my 50 years and remember. God has brought me this far and I know He won't leave me now. I want to write it down because, let's face it, my memory isn't grand. I want to look back when I, like the Israelites forget. I want my children to see what God has done and will do. I want 50 to be amazing. It starts today, actually it began just over a week ago. I realize that means one post a week maybe more but God shows me things daily through my children, job, church, friends, and just life in general. I need to just be aware of it. So here is to 50 and all that I want it to be!