Friday, June 29, 2012
I have come to the conclusion that everyone has some kind of pride issue. It may be incognito as a martyr, as always serving, or even as low self esteem. The biggest one to me is claiming how humble someone says they are or "I used to be arrogant and proud but not anymore" If you have to say that then you are still proud. I say all this only because I have been dealing with my own pride lately and I hate that I can see it in myself so strongly and ugly. What bothers me the most is I didn't think I struggled with pride in this particular area so much. I want to be humble, I truly do but the process is painful. It is like looking at myself through a microscope and seeing all the germs and bacteria. Every time I think I am making strides forward I fall right back into the selfish pit again. I also know that Christians are just as bad if not worse, our holier that thou attitudes are terrible. We think we are so good or at least better than "sister so in so" or "brother what's his name" We think that if we don't do it it won't get done or at least not as well as if we did it. I am no better and I hate it. God has exposed some areas in my life and has been dealing with them and it hurts. Cleaning out the stuff in my life and seeing how I am and how I need to change is a painful and not so quick process. I want it to be all about God not me, I want to give Him the glory, I want to do whatever He asks and not worry about others and what they may think, so why is it so hard when I am not being used or given a pat on the back or worse being praised for doing something? What happens when someone else comes along and does something better than I do or worse they are not any better but they get to do what I wanted to or was doing? I got to be honest it hurts and it is because of pride and being all about me. What bothers me the most is I really don't want to feel this way. I want to let things go and just focus on my Savior so why cant I? I think it because God needs to get rid of it and it takes time and yes some pain, maybe that way I will remember what it felt like and not go back to that way of thinking. It will be on to the next painful growth opportunity....I can hardly wait.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
I realize that with age some things change. I also know that at 46 I am not old, there are many who would say that I am in great shape. Genetics do play a big part and in my family I am truly blessed. My grandmother didn't go gray until she was in her 60's and my mom is the same way. I have no gray hair and I know many in their 20 and 30's who already struggle with it including my wonderful husband. That being said things do change and I know it is different for everyone but once I hit 40 I could tell that I was no longer looking young. I expect and accept the fact that my energy isn't what it used to be and my metabolism has slowed way down. I can no longer eat whatever I want and not struggle with weight, I must exercise :( I see the fine lines and have the red rough cheeks, my neck has lost a lot of elasticity and will continue to do so ( I can appreciate why people get face lifts, and professional dermatologist procedures. If I were wealthy I would get a boob lift...honestly, I hate saggy breasts. I take most of this with a grain of salt and I know I look younger than my 46 years, again thanks to genetics. The one thing I was not expecting and was not informed of was the fact that my armpits look old. I don't know how else to say it, they have lost their firm skin, are not smooth and have a discolored hue. When I was 16 or even 23 I don't remember shaving my armpits and thinking how nice they looked but I can tell you now I wish I had, maybe I would have appreciated it. I don't think I will convince any teenage girls I know to enjoy their armpits while they can, wear all those cute tank tops and wave to your hearts content for in 30 plus years they will be discolored and unattractive. Lets face it, if I say that I will be marked as crazy, probably the "crazy old lady" even. So I guess I will just resign myself to being 46 and not looking young but not looking old either, after all there are a lot of advantages to growing up and old, but that is a different blog topic.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Another year has come and gone on Camp Homefront. This was our 4th year and the kids still love it. What started as a one time guilty idea on Moms part has blown into an annual memory making tradition for all of us. The first year our kids had wanted to go to church camp and due to a communication error on Daddy and Mommy's part it didn't happen so I got to work thinking of things to make home just as fun. I surprised them early Monday morning with a camp schedule that started with putting our tent in the living room (we were fortunate our living room was very large) and from there we hit the floor running. I had crafts, activities, new recipes, games, outings and more on the schedule. Most of what I had scheduled was new so we also got to learn lots. We get to spend so much time together and the kids can't say they are bored (at least they better not lol) I don't just plan the activities I do them all with the kids. This is Levi's favorite part, his love language is quality time ( Gary Chapman...The 5 Love Languages) I don't talk on the phone, read, or get on the computer (this one is hard for me). The kids loved that first year so much that they ask for it every summer now. I spend all year gathering ideas for things to do and find myself getting just as excited as they do. By the end of the week I am broke, tired and glad to sleep in but it is so worth it all. I pray this is making terrific memories for each of my kids, I know it is for me and one day I am going to miss it so much. Maybe I can save all my ideas for grand-kids, if I think I am tired now I can't imagine how I will feel in 10 years doing this. :D
Monday, January 23, 2012
Tomorrow Jennifer and I have the "pleasure" of driving almost 6 1/2 hours to Fargo N. D. for a doctor appointment. No I am not kidding, I wish I were. That seems a bit ridiculous in todays society that nothing is even a little closer. We will be seeing Jennifer's new endocrinologist. They specialize in things like growth hormone, diabetes, thyroid and other such things. Because of Jennifer's Prader Willi we have been going to them for over 10 years now. Every time we get a new one I cringe. They can be very condescending and judgemental. They have big egos and usually don't think I know much at all. I may not have gone to medical school, but I have lived with my daughter all of her life. I know her, what makes her laugh, what makes her cry, what makes her mad and what she thinks is unfair. I know her quirks, her loyalties, what she is good at, what she struggles with and how much she loves her food, family and God. So why do I let them get to me when they ask if I know how much she weighs, and if I am aware of the fact that she is eating more than she should. I want to scream "really, I had no idea she wasn't a size 6 and that she loves sweets, savories and everything in between." Do I know that she shouldn't eat so much? YES! Do they ever ask how hard is it for you? What is it like to live with your daughter literally crying for food? How do you balance her eating with 2 very active, healthy, SKINNY, boys who can eat anything they want and more? Why don't they ask "does it break your heart to tell her no more tonight'? Why do they insist on treating me like an idiot who doesn't understand what Prader Willi is. I have lived this with my daughter for over 13 years. We have prayed together, cried together, and laughed together over it all. We have agreed that it isn't fair and that God loves her fiercely anyway! She knows we love her and only want what is best for her. She knows she is beautiful and we know nothing will change that. The doctor will insist that we see a nutritionist ( some skinny little 25 year old with no kids and no idea what we struggle with) she will explain the food pyramid to us like we are 2nd graders and don't know that more veggies and more movement are the answer to all our problems. I will listen, nod and smile all the while praying for strength and peace that only God can give. The doctor will soon learn that I do not intend to drive 6 1/2 hours more than a couple times a year only to be beat up and lectured. Jennifer however will love every minute of it, after all she gets mommy's undivided attention, we get to stay in a hotel and she gets to pick where we eat for dinner ( I get to pick lunch). She is beyond excited and has more coloring books and stuff ( yes a baby doll) than one girl needs for a simple over night trip. The time we get to spend together will be precious and priceless for both of us and for that I am truly grateful. Now to get prayed up for the doctor.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
I love where I am in life, most of the time. I got married when I was almost 30 and didn't have my first child until I was just 2 weeks shy of 32. I would have loved to have gotten married in my twenties and started a family then but God had better plans than I did. Most of the time I love the way and when things worked out. My dilema is that now that I am in my mid 40's I am stuck between worlds. My Sunday School class is made up of women in my age group give or take a little and I love being in there. I love the ladies, we have a very gifted teacher and it is so much fun, the problem is they are empty nesters or close, working women who are in a different season than I am. The flip side of this is that the stay at home mom's who have children the same age as I do or close are in their 20's and 30's. Now most of the time none of this bothers me but some times I feel like a 3 wheel or a fish out of water in either group. I have gone through menopause and no longer have to deal with pms. I don't have to worry about toddler tantrums and all my kids are in school, and yet I don't work outside the home I do not have grandchildren and gray hair, and I do not know what it feels like to be an empty nester. So where do I fit in and how do I balance this crazy time in my life? I am old enough to be a grandmother even if I am not, there are woman who have gray hair in their 30's and women older than I who still deal with pms. I am done having children and even though I could go back to work it isn't something I am striving to do. So here I sit wondering what to do. I am a very social person and would love to find a true sister chick friend to click with but most women I feel a connection to are too busy with work or too busy with small children still at home. I know this season will not last forever but right now it is a hard place to be and so I sit, facebook, blog, and dream of days to come where I will once again have a friend close by that is closer than a sister.
Monday, January 2, 2012
2012, A new year and a time to reflect. I always like the idea of New Year's Resolutions but I rarely succeed at any of them. I always have grand plans to loose weight, eat better and exercise and yet here I sit probably a little heavier than even this time last year, only using my wii fit sporadically and have junk food in my home and not enough fresh veggies. I resolve to be more organized, a better house keeper and less of a pack rat and yet I can't find any envelopes, I have clutter in several rooms of my house and have more "stuff" than I have room for. So why do I make them every year? I live in hope that I will change, if I am not trying to change then I have given up and that is sad. I also think that in many ways I have improved over the year, at least I hope so. I feel better, more at peace with myself, don't worry what others think as much, am more comfortable with my body even if I have gained a few more pounds. I feel like I am a better wife and mother now than I was a year ago. I love to reflect over the year and see what I have learned, accomplished, and done. A year is a long time in many ways. So when I don't stick to my weight loss plans or my clean house ideals do I wait until 2013 to try again? That seems absurd to wait. If I blow it January 5, ok January 2 do I really wait a full year to try again? NO, I try January 3 and January 4 and every day. It gives me hope to get up and try again to improve, I don't even have to wait for Monday. I can start eating better on a Thursday, I can start a cleaning routine on Tuesday. I can, I can, I can, that is what I think a New Year's Resolution is all about. Just don't give up, always hope and 2012 can be better than 2011. Happy New Year!