Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Christmas pics

2008 the end is in sight

Today is the last day of 2008. I don't want to be depressing but I for one am glad it is over. I thought that 2007 was hard (and it was VERY) but 2008 was also painful. Maybe I just need to focus on God more. I do know that 2008 was a year of changes and a lot of healing. This is something that Carrie and I talked about a lot. I just didn't realize that I was going to have so much more to heal from. Every year shows me new things. I pray that I am learning from them. Carrie had shared with me that she was learning "not to waste the pain" I think this is good advice. Everything that I have gone through has taught me something, even when most of it was difficult. If I don't learn from it I may just have to go through something like it again. NO THANKS! I pray that I have learned and 2009 will be full of new growth but maybe less pain. This world will never be prefect (not even close) so I shouldn't be surprised by the pain it causes. God is merciful and graceous and I need to be very thankful. My family was sooo blessed for Christmas. We did nothing to deseve all that God provided and yet we had an abundance and was even able to let God use us to bless others as well. I pray that instead of "resolutions" I will try to be even more Christ like in 2009 and He would be able to use me for His glory what ever He sees fit for me to do. I pray that everyone has been blessed and that you will continue to seek God, He is the only source of true blessing. See you all in 2009, at least in my heart! Thanks for hanging in there with me. I thank God for all of you.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Kids are home for 16 days....but who's counting

Well Christmas break started Friday at 12:30 p.m. to be exact. By 5:00 p.m. Levi was officially "BORED". Arguing abounds as well as "stop touching me", "it's not my fault", "he did it not me", "when are we going to..... (fill in the rest) and my very favorite "MOMMMY!!!!!!!"

Oh what a wonderful time of year!!! I look forward to Christmas every year and as Carrie would say "this is what I always wanted, what I live for and what she would have given anything to have"
I know that teachers love Christmas break and so do I, I truly do. I also remember being "bored" a lot and whining ( a Borden trait that runs deep in our DNA) to my mom. I am sure she thinks this is funny and sweet justice. I do have some fun things planned for our days, unfortunatly today was a bust because my keys are locked in my van and Paul is at work with the only other set, maybe I should ask for another set for Christmas just in case I do this again. We were going to a free showing of The Bee Movie now I have to rethink things. Today is now a spring cleaning day ( I am sure my kids will love it :D We will make candy cane cookies and listen to Christmas music. If all goes well we might even get to a game.

I really am glad to have some time with my kids, they are already growing up too fast. I must say there is also something to the song "It's Begining to Look a Lot Like Christmas" where the lyrics say " and mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again" Only 14 days to go but who's counting?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

My helper

Nathaniel is very good about letting me know just what a good helper he is. If I give him a compliment or encourage him, he isn't surprised, as a matter of fact he expects it.

Example is

"Nathaniel thank you for helping me with the laundry, you are a good helper" me
"I know I am a good helper" Nathaniel
"I don't know what I would do without your help" me
"You probably couldn't do it without me" Nathaniel

I guess I didn't do any laundry, dishes, etc. before he started helping, or I am just getting too old to do it alone.
He is confident, and sure of himself. I love this and hope it lasts. He is also looking forward to Christmas. This is the first time he is understanding anything. Unfortunatly he understands the gifts the most. He does love doing the Nativity Advent Calander also. I am praying that we all get what it is all about, not just the gifts. He is excited about giving the presents he picked out though, it is a start and I will take it. He really is a great helper and so are Jennifer and Levi. I am blessed to have all three of my kids!!!!!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Christmas...what happend to the miracle

I just saw an ad for rollover minutes and they called it a "Christmas miracle". I have a real problem with this. We live in a society that thinks it is ok to murder an unborn child and yet rollover minutes are a "miracle" I have a hard time even asking God to forgive us for such things. I sometimes think "just give us what we really deserve" I am more than grateful that I serve a merciful and gracious Lord, I certainly don't deserve anything good that I get. I don't think we spend enough time trying to grasp what God has done and what Christmas is really about. I can ask my kids why we celebrate and Levi will quickly answer "it is Jesus' Birthday" but he says it like he is bored and doesn't really care. I know that I must change so my family and friends can see why I celebrate. We have several ornaments that have Christ as the theme, a children's nativity set, a advent calander that tell's Christs birth, we put money in the bell ringer red kettles, and we attend Christmas Eve services, but I still feel it is only a passing nod that we do so we can have fun with the cookies and gifts. I am praying that God would change me and help me to really celebrate the true miracle of this Christmas. I honestly think of the cartoon version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas and wonder if I could have everything taken away, would I still wake up and sing because I am celebrating Christ's Birth. Try watching the movie from a new perspective and praise God for sending Christ to us...we certainly do not deserve such a miracle, thank God He sent Him anyway!!!!!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Thanksgiving is getting ripped off

Well it is definatly December and Christmas. Paul and I go round and round every year about when to start decorating. He loves to do it Thanksgiving weekend, and jokes about startingeven sooner, he tried to put up a wreath in October. I like to wait until at least Monday after. I like to enjoy my Thanksgiving as just that and not rush Christmas. It seems to me that Thanksgiving is lucky to get a passing nod on the way to the chaos of the Christmas madhouse. We complain that Christmas is too commercial and exhausting but we run willingly to get there just as fast as we can. Our kids are too greedy but we don't stop and explain Thanksgiving or even enjoy it ourselves. Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday growing up ( that and the 4th of July) neither is full of "stuff" but they are the 2 times I remember spending time with all my family. I am very social and I thrived on these times. I also wonder even though Christmas is suppose to be about Christs birth if God is pleased with how most of us celebrate it. I know God wants us to be thankful and I think He may be saddened by our rush to just get through Thanksgiving so we can start shopping and singing Frosty the Snowman. Honestly we should be thankful all year round and sometimes we are the least thankful this time of year with all the stress, and busyness of the season. Remember even though Thanksgiving is over to thank God and try to enjoy all those parties ( it means you have friends). Just for the record we didn't start decorating until Dec. 3. We did listen to Christmas music on our trip to California for Thanksgiving. I call that compromise, Paul may disagree.

Monday, December 8, 2008

the 2 day stress test

Last week ( on Mon and Tues to be exact) I had to go the the hospital here in town for a two day dye stress test. I thought I knew what to expect, but life is rarely like I expect it to be. I had no one to watch Nathaniel like I thought that I would ( oh to be in Callahan with all my friends who could help out) Almost everyone here works and isn't home to help out, at least not that I am aware of. So off I go with Nathaniel strapped into his stroller that he is way too big for, but it keeps him contained, which is exactly what I needed. I get an IV and then they strap me up with every wire imaginable. I start to feel terrible and am then told "oh, by the way we have given you a chemical to basically force you to have a heart attack" yeah me! I was so dizzy, my legs hurt, my head hurt, I felt like I was going to throw up, and then they tell me my face in very red. Thank God no pictures. I took the maximum time to "return to normal". I still felt terrible. They told me I had to go eat a "fatty" meal and suggested buger, fries, and a shake. Now normaly this would thrill me, not today. I didn't even think I should be driving. I went with Paul and Nathaniel and had lunch. Thank God Paul took Nathaniel for the next part. I had to go to radiation and get scaned with all the wires again. My arms above my head at an uncomfortable position. No talking ( for me this was hard ), moving, sleeping for 20 minutes. On Tuesday I got to repeat most of this but without Nathaniel (found someone) and they didn't force the heart attack this time, still had the needle with dye, fatty meal, and the scan. I am so glad that it is over!! At least I am aware of the symptoms if I have a "real" heart attack.
Today I got the results... and praise God I have no major blockage right now. I am at a low risk, but they will reevalute me every 6 months because of my family history. I can at least enjoy my cookies and fudge this Christmas! Thanks for the prayers, they helped!!!!

Thursday, December 4, 2008


Well I am fianlly back. We went to California for 4 days. My mom and sister went with us. Our minivan was full, trafic was packed, and the drive was LONG!! Would I trade it for anything...NO!! I had a great time and loved every minute. My family is large, loud, and very affectionate. My poor honey was lucky to survive. I know he had a good time but not as good as I did, and he is probably happier to be home than I am. I am glad we went. It made Thanksgiving easier for all of us. The hardest part was the tea party my aunt gave for all girls and women. Carrie would have loved it. The kids did great, although they had a hard time keeping up with who was who. Nathaniel kept asking who we were related to and I said everyone. He just sighed and gave up knowing names. My cousin-in-law (is that a real word?) Jen Borden was great with the kids ( she probably felt overwhelmed at times too) Nathaniel LOVED her...thanks Jen! I can count 37 that we saw and that isn't all of them ( all from my mom's side). I will say now that I am not a kid I see more of the imperfections. When I was a kid I thought my family was perfect. They aren't but they are still better than anyone's I have met. They love God, they are loud, they would do anything for me and I am truly blessed to be a part of them. I think Paul just tries to live through it. I know he loves us but the noise is hard to take and all the hugging if you are not use to it. I know I have much to be thankful for and my family is right at the top! I also learned a new card game that I would love to play. I need to live closer to Rocky and Marcy. Paul even stayed up late to play ( of course he won and he never played before either) I am not good at most games but I love to play. I just enjoy being with people. I really had a great time and would go back next week if I could, I can hear Paul saying absolutly not!! He needs to recover first, maybe for the summer.

Monday, November 24, 2008

women of faith weekend

I am back from my weekend get away. I had a wonderful time!!! I really needed it. I expected God to speak and He did, but in several areas so I am still processing and listening for more. I got to eat at In and Out and had to call my cousin Jim and tell him because he doesn't get that where he lives and really misses it. All the ladies that went had a good time and I believe we all got something from it. I laughed, cryed, danced ( I am a good Baptist), praised, listened, ate and so much more. God is so good! His grace is truly amazing and something I loose focus of way too easily. I complain, whine and my attitude stinks. You think I would stay focused more, but I let busyness, laziness, and selfishness get in the way too often. I need to worship God and not worry about what others think. They may look at me and think I am crazy, singing , dancing and talking with my Lord but so what. It is what I was made to do!!!!
We are going to California for Thanksgiving and I have lots to still take care of. I hope everyone is truly thankful. I know I have an abundance to be thankful for. Enjoy and stay focused on Christ.

Friday, November 21, 2008

weekend away

Today I am leaving for the Women of Faith that will be in Phx. I can't wait. Just to get away will be nice. There are 9 going from my church and we leave in just a few hours. I love my family but I know most of you can appreciate that I need a little time away every once in a while. I am a stay at home mom and rarely have time for just me. Paul doesn't usually understand this need. He gets put everyday, although it isn't for pleasure. I am also a lot more social than he is. In his defense he may not "agree" that I "NEED" this time away, but he still lets me get away, even though it makes no sense to him. I am praying for a renewing, and direction from God, not just entertainment. I can't wait to hear from my Lord and really worship Him. I am blessed. Got lots to do so I am signing off. Catch you later! Pray for me

Monday, November 17, 2008

moving mountains

God has once again been speaking to me. Something I am both grateful for and amazed by, even if it isn't always easy to take. Most of us, including myself only pray half heartedly unless we are in soooo deep we are beyond desperate. American churches ( there are exceptions) have settled for mediocrity and shout hallaluiah about it. We don't see God at work because we have taken HIM for granted so long it is all we know. Our pastor talked on this yesterday and I really was convicted. I pray when I am nodding off in bed, I praise God lukewarmly ( and we all know what God does with that...Puke!) How often do I fall to my knees...literally and worship or cry ABBA FATHER? God loves me and wants a realationship with me. He loves to hear me worship Him and cry out to Him. He will move mountains, He is the God of miracles STILL. God doesn't need me to defend Him, He is a big God and He can handle it. If I pray and the answer is no I don't need to "explain" to anyone. God can do what He wants to when He wants to.
God has been speaking to me for years about something He wants for me and I keep putting it off and making excuses as to why I am not doing it. Well no more! God will provide and equip for what He calls. I am trusting and believing in the God of creation, my Lord and Savior!!! I am not a "name it and claim it"person. I don't expect perfect health, or great amounts of money, but My GOD will provide all my NEEDS!!!!!
Pray and expect to hear from your Savior!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Today I am going to spend the day cleaning(yipee). Our interim pastor is coming for lunch tomorrow. He is truly a gift from God. I love his heart for God and our church. He loves the little kids all the way up to the grouchy set in there ways club. He helps us focus on what we as individuals need to be doing and not condeming on judging. He is so in love with his Savior it is obvious. He is a true blessing and I am glad for the time I have to spend with him. God is teaching me a lot through him.
As a side note I have a dye stress test scheduled for Dec. 1 and 2nd. This is just precautionary because of my family history. So far everthing looks good. I will keep you posted, and thanks for the prayers

Thursday, November 13, 2008


Today I went to the cardiologist, yippe!! I had a couple of ekg's done and a stress test. I am having another stress test with dye in my heart next but I am not sure when. I get to see the Dr. every 6 months. I was the youngest one in there by at least 15 to 20 years. Even the nurses were asking why I was being seen. Well for those of you who don't know let me tell you, heart problems run in my family like wild fire. Dad was 52 and Carrie was 44 when they passed away from heart attacksm and they had had them before then as well. I was also having symptoms last week so I decided better safe than sorry. Our family has been through enough for now and Bobbie (my sister I treasure!!!!) ( she hates that) and mom are glad I went and I am getting everything checked. I know I have really high cholesterol and the dr. said I should consider exercising (yuck) can't afford a gym and no one at home wants to do it with me. Although it would be good for Jennifer too. This is not fun with the holidays coming. I do not need my family "helping" me when I go to California for Thanksgiving. I want to enjoy my stuffing and pumpkin pie! I can eat healthy as a new year resolution....I promise ;0

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

we're back

Well we are back from our visit with friends in Sierra Vista. We had a great time catching up. This is where Jennifer and Levi were both born, so I always love going. It is a great size town, not too big or small. The weather was a little cool which of course I loved. I enjoyed Sunday worship. I have always gotten something out of Mark's sermons, and this time was no exception.
If I want to really be head over heals in love with my Savior I need to spend time with Him and act like I am in love. Nothing else will completly satisfy me. That doesn't mean my life will be perfect and trouble free! I think that is something we tend to forget, especially here in America. We feel we are owed something, or if we could just get a little more we would be ok...WRONG
This world is full of sin and hurting, broken, imperfect people, even christians. We need to remember that and keep our focus on Christ. We need to show the world that even with hurts and trials we still have a reason to sing and praise God. The world is desperately looking for answers. are we showing them what it can be like to fall in love we Jesus?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

my sister

Monday was November 3rd. My sister Carrie would have been 45 years old. I was going to write then but I was in the emergency room all day with a uti, dehydration and symptoms of a heart attack (that is another story). I also realize I probably would not have felt like writing then any way. It was exactly 5 months since she was found dead in her apartment. Sometimes it feels so long ago and other times it seems like I was just talking to her.

For those of you who didn't have the priviledge to know her I want to share a little. This may not matter to you but it does me a load of good! She was not perfect, she could be very grouchy, nasty, and even down right mean, but I usually needed to hear what she had to say. She loved tea and tea parties, she loved earrings, and not just normal ones either. The bigger the better and if they were unique that was the best. She loved to write and dreamed of being a published author one day. I have several of her writings on a disk. She had the best memory in the family. We are all in trouble now because none of us remember anything without her. She LOVED her cute kids (Calvin, Jennifer, Levi, and Nathaniel) !! All of her friends knew their stories because she was so proud of them all. She was a great massage therapist, blind, and a great listener. She was the best at praying with me. She had 3 tattoos and her hair style and color would change often. She was a belly dancer that I never had the pleasure of seeing perform, I was always to far away. She loved her Savior passionatly!!! Most of you have already heard this but I needed to do this. Our family is still having a hard time and normal will never be the same. My kids still have her phone number memorized and I can't delete it from my phone.

Thanks for letting me share. My next entry should be more uplifting!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Nathaniel's point of view

This morning Nathaniel and I were running around playing tag. We started running down the stairs (ramp really) to get to our part of the house, when he told me I couln't run. Now I have done this many times before so I was a little surprised at this. I asked him why he could run and mommy couldn't, it didn't seem fair. He said without any hesitation (I wish he would have at least a little) that I was fat. I even asked again to make sure I heard right. He said again that I was fat and couldn't run down the ramp I might get hurt. Now I will be the first to admit I have gained all the weight back that I had lost last year (something I am not happy about) but I didn't think it was THAT obvious. The worst part of the whole thing is I started laughing and immediately wanted to share the story with Carrie. She would have rolled!!!! I know I can post it here and I am grateful but most of you will not appreciate it the way Carrie would and besides I don't get to hear laughter. Well this was suppose to be a fun post and now I am getting depressed so I think I will go chase a little boy. Apparenly I need it!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

sweet tooth

Yesterday Levi wanted to help make a snack for his boyscout troop, so he could earn a badge. He also likes to eat and make anything that is junk food. The snacks were a hit. We made marshmallow lollipops ( this is a real recipe that I found on line). They were all orange, green, white, and red, very sweet (too sweet if you ask me). They don't usually get snacks at scouts. On the way home Levi was talking about the lollipops and said in all seriousness "which tooth is my sweet tooth? I have heard about it but how can I tell which one it is?" He has a loose tooth and I should have said that was the one. Maybe that would help cut down on the junk. I just told him that it was an expression we used. Then he asked "if he had a sweet tooth"! Come on, it is sooo obvious that he does. He loves sweets, maybe he still didn't believe me about it being just a saying.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Tuscon trip

Monday and Tuesday I went to Sahuarita and Tucson. Time for my braces to be tightened. I go to spend Monday with my Mom and Bobbie. I always love this. I get to laugh a lot and it feels good. My sister is a treasure, even more so now. She does not like sappy stuff so I don't get mushy with her but I know that she feels the same and we do talk about it, especially since Carrie is gone. We don't want to lose each other. We do joke about who gets to go next. It better be me!!! I don't want to go through any more for a LONG,LONG time!!!
Tuesday Nathaniel and I went to Tucson and after my appointment we got to spend most of the day with my friend Meta. She is a true friend. She has been through a lot of her own crap and is a great source of inspiration. Her faith in God and her love for others is very real. She also took Nathaniel and I for a ride in Rocket. That is the side car of her scooter named Stella. She took pictures so hopefully when I get them I can share them. Nathaniel looked great in the leather jacket and helmet. We had a blast. She also has one of Carrie's dogs, Thor. It was good to see him. They are taking good care of him and he seems very happy.
It was a fun couple of days but it is also good to be home. We have a busy week and lots to do. I will chat again soon.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

what am I owed?

I have been asking God to show me what He would have me learn with all that has and is happening in my life this last year or so. You all know that I am trying to be content in ALL circumstances and that I know God is telling me to wait on Him and trust His timing. Well now there is more stuff that He is showing me. It isn't always what I want to hear but I know that I need to and I am grateful that I am hearing from God. I don't feel that I am going through a dry spell with God; I hear Him just fine, praise God. As long as I stay focused on Christ and His Word I do ok, even when everything around me seems unfair and difficult.
We live in a society that teaches us "it is all about me" and '' nothing is my fault, blame someone else". I may not understand why a lot of things happen to us in this world, but I do know that the God of everything, the great I AM is in control and He does not owe me a thing. We live in a sinful, fallen world that is full of Satan and his demons. This life is not all there is (wether we believe it or not). This is Satan's playground for now but God will overcome!!! If God never gave me anything else from now until my death I would still be blessed beyond measure!! Because I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior and have admitted that I am a sinner lost without Him ( Ephesians 2:8-9, John 3:16) I have eternal life with Him!! He didn't have to give it to me but He loves me enough to do it (He loves YOU too!) We are here because God loves us and wants us to worship Him. He has blessed me in so many ways here on Earth that I should never complain. Remember this in the only Hell a child of the King of kings will ever know... but it is the only Heaven a lost person will know. It is all a matter of perpective. I pray that everyone who reads this is a child of The Great I AM. If you have any questions please ask!! Your life is at stake. I love you all! I am blessed!!!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

evil men prosper

I have heard a lot about the economy and how unfair and angry people are about things happening here in the U.S. and with the election. I have heard about the AIG people spending absurd amounts of money at spa's after the passing of the HUGE amount of money to bail them out. Let me say I do think it is wrong. However the first thing that honestly went through my head was, " that is as good as it gets for them". If they do not know Christ as Lord of their life then they will eventually perish and spend eternity in Hell. I have eternity with my Lord and Savior and that is better than any spa can cost! I need to pray for such people and remember why I am here. Christ doesn't owe me anything. He was perfect and He suffered in ways I can't even imagine. I am blessed beyond messure ( my family, food, running vehicles, health, etc.) and I am not even in Heaven yet! Remember God is in control and for some people this is as good as it ever gets, let them have a spa, they will suffer for eternity. Stay focused and tell others of Christ, please!!!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

raisins and sunflower seeds

Yesterday Nathaniel and I went shopping. It takes a while because he is 3 and potty training (he did go at the store and he even told me he had to go without asking !!!!)also I try and find only what I need and is on sale. Money is tight so I try and be creative. With the holidays fast aproaching it is even more difficult. I try not to buy junk but a lot of times it is a lot cheaper and makes the money go farther. Not good for us to eat all that junk, especially Jennifer. Anyway I have raisins andI also have sunflower seeds. They are still in the shell, which makes it more work, but they are cheaper and keep Jennifer busy so she doesn't eay as many. It works for me too. Nathnaniel just likes to get into things and make mischif ( have I mentioned that?).
This is when I need Carrie here to tell it too and she can laugh and give me a better perspectve. Apparently, I left Nathaniel to his own devices for too long. I went into the bathroom to make sure everything was ok and I found the sink drain stuffed with raisins and sunflower seeds, all wet and very messy. I was NOT happy and didn't sound too happy when I found it. Carrie would have laughed until she choked, and then told me this is all I ever wanted. Of course she is correct and today it does seem a lot funnier than last night. I need to learn the proper perspective sooner I think, especially since Carrie isn't here to tell all of Nathaniels exploits too.
Have a great day and don't take messes too seriously. God is great at cleaning them up...I know!

Monday, October 20, 2008

The Fair

Last weekend we took the kids to the county fair. I use to love going, I was even in 4H and FFA for a while. We went on the last day of the fair. The kids had a ball. They loved the rides especially Nathaniel. We were not sure if he was ready but he proved to be a little dare devil and loved every minute. We tried to go to the exhibits and all the animals were already gone, I was bummed. There also was not the amount or variety of arts, crafts and food that I remember. I guess as a society we just are not doing those kinds of things any more. Sewing, canning, etc. used to be a necessity but now it is a dying art and it isn't cheap. It doesn't make economic sense like it use to. We also do not teach our kids how, Moms work and we are too busy to bother. It is sad to me that the fair has changed so much. My kids had a great time but all that they cared about was the midway, that use to be my least favorite area. We are so entertainment driven that we don't seem to enjoy the simpler things. Boy am I sounding old! I am glad we went and I know that we made great memories for our kids and I guess that is what is important, and besides it got us away from the TV for an afternoon. That in itself is a good thing for all of us! Just spending time together made it a great fair!!

Friday, October 17, 2008

long day

Yesterday was very busy for me. I took Nathaniel to story time, something he loves to do. Yesterday however he wasn't interested in sitting still and listening. In a loud voice while the librarian was reading Nathaniel asked "aren't we done yet?" I was a little embarrassed. Thankfully the librarian knows us and knows Nathaniel usually loves to listen. I think the problem was he knew we were going to the park afterwards. He has been begging for a few days. We usually go at least once a week but when I got sick it stopped.

We also had friends over for dinner. This is the first time. I don't invite people because it isn't my house. Now let me say, my mother-in-law is great about giving us space and making us feel welcome. I just don't feel like I can have company very easily. She is visiting her sister so yesterday was perfect for it. We also had friends over that she dosen't care much for.
We had a good time but I was very tired when all is said and done. I do love my mother-in-law and I am very grateful to her for letting us move in, especially with the economy like it is. I think this is good for all of us here. God is teaching me a lot with my mother-in-law, but that is for another blog.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

hard day

Today Nathaniel and I are cleaning. He loves to help. He is also the reason for a lot of the cleaning. When he takes a bath it is like a tidal wave in the bathroom. Paul said we may even have to pull up the tile because water is getting under them. Nathaniel is now wearing underwear ( Diego to be exact) if I tell him to go he is fine but it I don't tell him about every 30 minutes then we have wet clothes. He still doesn't care and just says he needs clean ones. Sometimes he doesn't even care they are wet and I have to make him change. He loves dancing around the room naked and singing. He also loves to tell me stories.
Today is hard for me. I got Jennifer and Levi ready for school. Jennifer has crazy hair day so she has 5 ponytails all over her head. As soon as they were gone I wanted to call Carrie and tell her about Jennifer's hair. It seems to be getting harder not having her here. Everything I always share with her is just building up. Nathaniel told me not to cry Aunt Carrie is just moving to her new house and we can see her soon. Such wisdom from him. Levi still has here phone number memorized, that is how often we called her. He has known it since he was 4. I didn't expect today to be hard. It took me by surprise. I have others I talk to but it doesn't replace Carrie.
Now that Nathaniel isn't wearing diapers I miss having a baby. I know it sounds crazy, it just makes it real that my kids are growing up. I love that Nathaniel is growing up ( I don't want to change diapers on a 4 year old) but I also miss a lot of the baby stuff. Isn't that typical, never happy with what we have. It just goes back to being content in all circumstances. I am still learning.

Monday, October 13, 2008


Ok, it has been a while. I have been sick. I thought maybe it was allergies, something I really don't fight, but they grow cotton here and it is harvest time so I thought that was my problem. I finally went to the Dr. when I started running a fever and Paul threatened me. I have an infection and now have antibiotics in me. The drugs have also made me queasy, but I am feeling better now, actually better than I have in a few weeks. I didn't realize how yuck I had gotten until I started feeling better.
The kids had Friday and today off, so a 4 day weekend. It would have been nice to go somewhere but money is tight and I didn't feel like going anywhere until yesterday. Today I am taking them to the library, I am fortunate that they are still young enough to think this is a treat. We really do have great library. It is the best I have seen for activities ( game nights, science labs, story and crafts, computer classes; free to the public, etc.) They even have a gift shop that the proceeds go to the library fund and no fines for late books! They said they do better with straight donations. I should be back on track tomorrow when Jennifer and Levi are back in school. Hopefully no one else gets sick, although Paul was coughing a lot this morning before leaving for work!

Monday, October 6, 2008


Jennifer and I went to the dentist in Tucson last week (there isn't one in Safford who takes our insurance. Everything went well for both of us. Jennifer has no cavities which is a praise and a surprise. We are still praying for friends and I know she is getting discouraged. This week should be pretty slow for us ( I hope). I am tired but seem to be in better spirits. It is time to do the nightly prayer and tucking in of the kids so this will be short. I will hopefully get back on track tomorrow.

Monday, September 29, 2008

fushia hair

This weekend Levi and I were talking about Heaven and how it might be like. My kids do not know their granddads and so this is a frequent conversation. Levi pointed out that he would know exactly what Aunt Carrie would look like. I thought he was going to tell me because he knew her and had seen her, unlike his grandpas. He said not only could she see in heaven (praise God) but the biggest clue would be her fushia hair! It made me laugh and I know Carrie would have loved it!


I have a lot of people telling me how strong I am with everything that has happened the last couple of years. I don't feel strong and I am tired. If this is true though, then why do I not want to wait. I have read and heard Isaiah 40:31 more times than I can count. I tell God often how tired and weak I am. Yet I can not explain my rational for wanting to go, do, be, something. This scripture says Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength (nas). I say I have no strength yet I don't like waiting. Maybe it is the unknown or the what if's that play through my mind. Really I think I am afraid that God will just leave me here and never use me again (poor me). God owes me nothing and yet He has given me more than I ever deserved! I am still trying to be content. God is saying wait and until I hear something different I need to stay put and let God renew my strength. Pray for me

Friday, September 26, 2008

Fridays with Paul

Today is Friday, and it is one of my favorite days of the week. Paul and I spend the day together ( usually with Nathaniel as well). We don't get a lot of time together. His back is still a problem and seems to be getting worse to me. The days he works take everything out of him, so Fridays we get a few hours before he has to rest. We don't have money to spend on dates but that just means we have to be a little more creative. The weather is finaly getting nicer so we can go to the park (Nathaniel's favorite place), play a game or watch a movie. Last week we did a puzzle together. It really meant a lot to me because Paul doesn't care too much for them but they are one of my favorite things to do. He also usually makes dinner on Friday!! I love that. I am trying not to take him for granted and I am praying for his back. The Dr. he has now says he has a bulging disc and bone spurs, but they are not telling him anything to do for it. It is almost like here is the problem but to bad. I am really frustrated because it doesn't just affect Paul but the kids and myself as well. Please pray for all of us, we need it! Enjoy your time with your loved ones as much as possible.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

this was taken Easter 2008. I hope that I can add more recent photos soon

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

lost tooth

Yesterday when I was picking up the kids from school, Levi would not smile at me, although he seemed happy enough. I asked him if everything was ok, and if anything happened at school. He just shook his head no so I dropped it for the moment. When we were in the van I Iooked into my rear view mirror and saw him trying not to smile, but it was too late...I caught him with his top front tooth out! He wanted to wait until we got home to show me and everyone else but he was too excited. It fell out at school in the middle of the day. He carried his tooth around in his pocket to show everyone. It just tells me that he is growing up a little too fast for me, although he looks terribly cute without it! He said talking is funny but he has a really cool trick. He drinks his milk at school through a straw and it fits perfectly in the gap. He loves it!!! My camera needs a battery so hopefully I will get a picture of him soon.
Speaking of pictures. Paul's mom and I took Nathaniel to get pictures taken this morning. He doesn't get them through school like Jennifer and Levi, and it has been way too long since they were taken. He even asked why there were not as many of him, AH the youngest deliema. I hope to have those in a couple of weeks. Might I say just how cute they turned out. If I can figure out how to scan them in or get Paul to do it I will try and post some. Take lots of pictures of those you love!!!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Lot's Wife

I have been remembering Florida a lot lately. I think it must be the time of year. They are no doubt getting reading for Judgement House. I was the Angel of Death (Levi hated that), I switched to a guide, which I really enjoyed doing, then I was asked to be in Heaven when I wasn't guiding....I LOVED IT!!! Mostly the inbetween times. Anyway, God has been showing me a lot about my feelings for Callahan and Gray Gables. Let me preface this with I DO NOT think that Callahan is anything like Sodom and Gomora. However I never had much empathy for Lot and his family, especially his wife ( no name even). I now can say how much I can feel for her is amazing. They probably knew that they needed to move from there but didn't want to. I too can say that I felt God telling me we needed to leave before the Lord dragged us out. Lot and his family had to have the angels grab them by the hand ( every one of them) and drag them out. They took nothing with them. We left soooo much behind, and thinking about it still hurts. The kicker was they were told not to look back. Lot's wife did, and turned to a pillar of salt. Let me say, how many of us would not have looked back? She wasn't told "what" would happen to her and even if she had the temptation would have been great, look at Eve. I know when my kids or even myself are told "don't" that is usually a big challange.

This past week God has been telling me to stop looking back. Callahan was a huge blessing to me and my family, but I am turning into a pillar of salt by living in the past. I miss everything. If Lot's wife hadn't looked back I wonder if she would still have been miserable. They ended up in a cave with nothing. She probably would have whinned about everything she gave up...I know I have. She was never used by God again. I don't want that for me. If Lot and his family would have left willingly I think it would have been much easier on them and they might have been able to take their stuff with them. I am trying to not only listen to God better but to do as He says.

I miss our home, it was beautiful. I miss the schools, they were great, I miss our church, I grew a lot, I miss my stuff, I miss my church family, it was the best! I have to live in my cave for now, and I praise God for not turning me into a pillar of salt. I don't have to forget Callahan(I couldn't)but I can't keep my heart and soul so intwined with it either. God has given me a new place to live and I need to actually start living here and not merely surviving.

Read Genesis 18 and 19 with a new look. Hold things loosely because you never know when they may be taken. Enjoy everything you have and don't take it for granted. Tell people how much they mean to you. Try not to whine! God is Good all the time!!!!!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

library day

Today was library day for me and Nathaniel. We go to story time and do a craft every Thursday. They have a different theme every week. Nathaniel loves it and keeps asking the guy when he is going to do snakes. Today was apples. We heard two books and made a Fall wreath with different colored apples on it and also colored a big apple that you cut out and make into a puzzle. I think what he likes best is spending time with mommy all by himself. Levi has Boy Scouts on Wednesdays with me. Jennifer doesn't have anything. Pray for me on this because she really wants something that is just hers and I don't know what to do. We can't afford any lessons and I am not sure she knows what she wants. Plus I need to find a consistent time for her every week which is one more thing to try and figure out what to do with everyone else. I think she wants to socialize and I do not want to volunteer for anything else. I probably sound selfish, I am just tired of feeling like I am going in so many directions and none of them mean a break for me. I guess I should say that I just started going to a ladies Bible study on Sat. afternoons. It is only about an hour and a half but I need it.

coffee ladies

Today is Wednesday. This is probably my hardest day of the week since leaving Callahan. I loved Wednesdays. We would have dinner at the church and always sit with Ms. Josie. I would then help with the kids program. Nathaniel was going to AWANA at 2yrs. old and learning about everything that God created. Paul would lead worship, and Jennifer and Levi went with me to the kids activities. Then we had choir practice. I loved it, Paul is so gifted in this area and I LOVE to sing! I sat next to my dearest friend Dana and after choir...Coffee Ladies!!! We would meet at someone's house around 9:30pm (usually Grace or Roseanna) and eat visit,prau,etc. until a ridicules hour like 1:00 am and I loved every minute of it. They loved me for me and we would share and encourage each other. We didn't need therapy because coffee ladies was therapy. They were trust worthy and I didn't have to pretend I was the "minister's wife", I could just be Goldie, a wife who got depressed, a mother who worried and a friend who hurt. I knew we were close but I didn't realize how close until we moved. Isn't that always the way. I sevve a jealous God and even though I may not have been the reason we moved, I do believe that God used it to show me that He needs to always be number one in my life. Since Carrie passed away I have felt it anew how much I don't turn to God first for everything. But I also know that He gave me my Coffee Ladies and I have been blessed by them so many times I can't count!!! If any of you read this please know I LOVE you all so much and I may need therapy soon if I can't talk to you all!!!!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

my braces

Today Nathaniel and I got up way too early and went to Tucson to get my braces tightened. I always look forward to this ( I know I am not normal). I have wanted braces for as long as I can remember, don't ask why, I am not sure I know completly. My teeth were crooked but not that bad. I know a lot of teens who hide their braces. I guess one of the advantages to "getting" older is that I don't care. I still smile and I love picking out different colored bands every time. I have yellow and dark red on now, for Autumn. I must admit turning 40 a couple of years ago was a huge yuck for me, but I am more comfortable with being me and how I look. I think I always wanted braces because I was hoping I would be beautiful when they came off, like magic. I now realize I am beautiful with or without them. These last 2 years God has taught me a lot. One of the biggest being I am treasured by the God of everything. He not only loves me, but He is IN love with me! I am breathtakingly beautiful to Him. I wish we could all learn that especially when we are still young. I am certainly trying to teach that to Jennifer and I think she is getting it better than I ever did, praise God! You are all beautiful to the great I AM. please belive it!!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

tent in the living room

Saturday's are a day my kids really look forward too. They can sleep in ( they don't) and we usually have pancakes, bacon , ect. not just cereal. Last night Paul put up the tent in the living room and all three of them "camped out". They enjoyed it so much we are letting them do it again. I don't think they are going to be happy when it comes down. I know however if they slept in it every night they would eventually get use to it and the excitement would wear off. That is how it is with most things. We start taking them for granted and don't see just how blessed we really are. I am like that with several things, my family especially Paul and our marriage. Why can't I remember more how it feels to see him when he first walks in the door, the excitement of going on dates. Comfortable isn't bad as long as I don't get lazy, and forget how blessed I am to have a man who loves God, our kids, and me.
Even more dangerous is losing my excitement about my Lord and Savior and ALL that he has done for me. If I stop and really think about it, it is the coolest thing ever. The God of everything, the great I AM, loves me( Goldie). He wants to spend time with me and I get to spend the rest of my life with Him, that is even better than a tent in the living room!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

potty training

Ok, I have 3 children and even though Jennifer and Levi didn't potty train until they were ready. they did eventually. Nathaniel is almost 3 and a half and doesn't even get the concept of it. I can take away privleges and even try bribing with candy and he just doesn't get it. He says he wants to stay little. He is still in the nursery at church and is ok with it. I tell him he won't go to school in diapers and he says he will. He thinks even some adults wear diapers ( don't comment on that). I have tried a timer and he goes in between the times on the potty. I have tried putting him in underwear and he will still sit in it all day if I let him. I wet my pants for years, so maybe this is pay back. I am sure my Mom thinks it is funny. Nathaniel is definatly my strongwilled beast. I love him to pieces and Carrie LOVED all my Nathaniel stories, she even shared them with friends. Maybe that is what is bothering me the most. Carrie isn't here to call and give the latest story to so she can remind me this is what I have always wanted and prayed for. It is what she would have given anything for. She also ( after she was done laughing) would have prayed with me and offered any words ( always had words) of wisdom. I don't think Nathaniel would be doing any better with his potty training if she were still here, but I know I would be doing much better! By the way Nathaniel is completly naked from the waist down, just peed all over a towel and his shirt and is wondering why I need to change him, ARGHHH!!!!! Carrie would be laughing, maybe I should try it.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

picture day

Yesterday was Levi's school pictures and today is Jennifer's. I tell them often how blessed I am to have them and that they are smart, handsome, beautiful and great kids. I also know that they are getting different messages from school, especially Jennifer. They are both starting to realize that Jennifer isn't like the other kids. The kids at school tell her she is stupid and ugly, and the MaMa in me wants to go choke some kids (Bobbie is right there with me on this). Why don't we realize how powerful our words are? I think adults and especially christians don't take their words seriously enough either. We have poured our praise into our kids,and I can see a difference. Even though it bothers Jennifer she knows that she is loved by her family and an AMAZING GOD. She tells me she is a princess because of God! They both know that God loves them more than anything no matter what others say. We are now praying diligently for friends for them and for the kids that are not nice. Maybe that is what the kids are hearing about themselves somewhere as well. The children God has given to us are wonderful and I know they are proof of God's love and blessings on me. Please pray with me for friends and that they would show the love of Christ; me too. I need to watch my words as well.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

was Moses "happy"

We have been living in Safford now for 9 months. It seems like a lot longer, at least most of the time. I have been praying that God would make us content in all our circumstances. I have noticed that is like praying for patience. He is just giving us "circumstances" to see if I will be content. I think I am failing. Then I have been praying and reading and God is showing me that I still am not grasping the difference between content and happy. I wonder if Moses was "happy" wandering around the wilderness with God's chosen people, having to go and plead before
God on their behalf. Moses would remind God that the children were HIS. They wandered 40 years, not Moses idea. Then Moses dosen't even get to enter the Promise Land; "happy"? probably not, "content" probably. He spent time with God and heard God speak. I think I could learn from that.

Monday, September 8, 2008

getting started

ok, here I go. I am doing this so people can find out how me and our family are doing. I think this will be easier for people instead of me trying to mass e-mail everyone. You can come here and hear the latest and greatest from my lips. I apreciate everyones prayers and interest so I hope this will help you to know how to pray hopefully I will even include pics eventually. I will still email, especially prayer requests and praises. You all mean the world to me and I don't know what I would do without you. You do not need to point out any typing or spelling errors unless you just can't help yourself.