Update on the move

 Well I obviously need to update things and get better about blogging...again. We do have carpet for those that don't know. It took a couple of more weeks so around the beginning of November. We are grateful and the kids are finally more settled into their rooms. I loved decorating for Christmas although it was the first time in probably 10 years we didn't have Grandma O'Dell's stocking hanging. She chose not to come for fear it would be too cold and she had already traveled for Thanksgiving and the beginning of December to see other family and was tired of traveling. Now to undecorate (not as fun). Most of our boxes are unpacked and I am still trying to figure out where to put everything. I guess I still have too much :S The weather has been mild up here in North Dakota almost too mild. The kids really wanted a white Christmas and we didn't get it. Those who have lived here for years are very grateful for the mild winter and I guess it is good for us to slowly get use to it but it would be nice to have some snow. The kids are doing well and the boys shined in the kids Christmas musical at church. Jennifer loves singing in the Junior High choir at school and now helps on Wednesday nights in the nursery, she loves being with the little ones! I am getting settled and praying about what God would have me to do here. Paul is amazing at all he does, but that is not a surprise :) I love being in a new adventure with Paul and our kids. Yes I still miss my family and friends but I am thrilled to be somewhere I have never been. There is much to get use to and I love it! No getting bored with snow and coffee shops and new people to meet! i would love for many of you to visit us and see all that we get to be a part of. I pray each of you has a blessed New Year and God grows you in new and exciting ways. I pray the same for myself. 2012 I hope to blog more :S lets see if I keep this resolution. 

Getting settled

Boxes, boxes everywhere and  no carpet to be seen. We have been here for a couple of weeks now and still we are waiting on carpet so we can finish unpacking. Again I am waiting, always waiting for something to happen or stop. Maybe that is why there are so many verses on waiting in God's Word. The kids are getting use to their new schools and seem to like them. That is a praise because we know how hard it can be especially since school had already started. God has been gracious in helping them with all the changes, we are blessed. I am enjoying setting up my kitchen and making it feel like home. We have been living with Paul's mom for the last 4 years and let me say she was wonderful to let us move in and let me use the kitchen as my own. I think she may have even enjoyed it :- ) but I missed having my own space. I don't think I even realized how much until I started unpacking and putting things away in my new kitchen. I already have ideas for decorating, organizing, and new recipes to try. I can't wait to decorate for Christmas! I have a greater appreciation for having a home and my stuff than I did before and I hope I don't forget it thank God and be grateful. So much I take for granted before and it will be easy to do again if I forget. Our place is not big but amazingly Paul and I have been talking about simplifying our lives and downsizing. We are so spoiled and I know we don't have near as much as so many others. I also know we have so much more than most of the world and certainly more than we need. Having a smaller place and having most of our stuff packed away for the last 4 years should make it easier, should being the key word. I am a pack rat by nature so it is still a challenge for me and I need to daily, ok hourly ask God for help. I want  to teach my kids that stuff shouldn't rule our lives and what we have we should be grateful for. As we continue to get settled I am trying to stay patient, grateful and  motivated to get rid of what I don't need to keep. I truly am blessed with all I have, thank you Lord!

Saying goodbye

I do not like change, even when I am doing something I don't care for at least it is familiar. Change, even good change is stressful. Saying good bye is even worse for me, and now I get to do both. I also need to teach my children these life lessons. Change is inevitable and so is saying goodbye. Even if I never move again I still have to deal with goodbyes when others I care about move or even die. So here I go having to do both. The more I love the harder to say goodbye. Is it worth getting close? I think so, pain is inevitable and loving is worth the pain. I love my family and I wouldn't trade my relationship with them for anything. Because of this saying good bye is going to be very difficult in a couple of weeks. I know without a doubt I will cry and that is ok. I hope my kids realize it is ok also. I know I am doing what God wants and being where He has called me is where
I need to be. My family and I will still be close even if we cannot see each other as often. I also know they will support me and pray for me and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Yes saying good bye is hard but only because I love my family and friends so much. These last 4 years have been a healing, growing, learning and waiting and now it it time to move on and say good-bye and I love you, and even shed a few tears.

Can I handle it?

Over the last few weeks I have been reminded that many people think I am a strong person. I have been told over and over again that I am "one of the strongest people they know" Sometimes I even get tired of hearing it. I have been through so much. If I would have known at 15 years old all that would happen I couldn't have handled it.I have moved and said goodbye more times than I would like. I have been made fun of and teased by many, including being told I was the nice one but not the pretty one. I have been very poor, saw my sister go blind at age 21, lost  many family members and friends to death, including my father and sister way too  soon. I didn't get married until I was almost 30 and many days I thought it would never happen. I have a daughter with special needs that is daily a challenge.I have left people and everything I love and not been able to look back. I have been hurt and hurt others  I could go on and on. The point is I am not strong. I am often told "God will not give you more than you can handle", hog wash. God will not give me more than HE can handle, and guess what? He can handle anything!!! When people see that I strong, they are really seeing Jesus in me. Trust me, I am falling apart inside many times, thinking "I can't do this anymore" Without my Savior I would be a basket case. The next time I am having a hard day or even a hard week I need to remember God is my strength  so I don't have to be strong.

Up & down and all around

Reading back over my last entry I can't believe summer break is over. Our summer was very busy with time spent with family, going to the big D in California, camp homefront, lots of sleepovers and a week in North Dakota. The kids are back in school and we have a routine of sorts. I am still waiting on God but not for the same things as before. I am still learning or at least being taught to trust Him. So many questions have been answered but guess what...it just left me with a bunch of different ones. 

Here is how summer was. We have been waiting to hear from God about what the next step is for us and where. We were pretty sure it was somewhere near seminary in California. Lots of churches and secular jobs had Paul's resume. So we prayed lots and waited more. Alaska said no thanks, and others are still "looking" at the resumes. Summer was going fast and our stress was mounting. Paul had several interviews and still we waited. The kids were asking "are we moving, do we know where God wants us yet?" etc.It was even getting to them. Then the end of July Paul had another interview, when it was over we waited. The next day we had plane tickets for the whole family to go to North Dakota for a week. They wanted to meet us all. We went and helped with VBS and Paul preached and lead worship. It was a fun but exhausting. We met lots of people and had lunch or dinner with someone different every day. The kids did super with all  the running around. We came home and still knew nothing. The church called the next day and said they wanted to vote on us that Sunday. They did and Paul left Wednesday morning for a 3 day drive. We are still here waiting and praying for more miracles and answers. Housing is very hard to get so we need a miracle in order to join Paul. We hate being apart and yet realize we are blessed. So many families are apart for long periods of time and are even in dangerous situations. Our prayers have changed from where are we suppose to be to please provide a place to live and be with us as we are all apart. We wanted to move over the summer but God had other plans. We are not looking forward to saying goodbye to everyone, it is always the hardest part, but we know this is where God has called us. I can tell you I never even had North Dakota in my mind as a place to go. I am not apposed to it i just didn't think of it. I couldn't even tell you where in the United States it was located...I do now :) I have never lived in snow but I will now. I am both excited and sad for all the changes happening. I can say I am glad we are going forward after being in the wilderness for so long. There will be new challenges and reasons to cry out to God but the next step has finally come. Now to get packing.

Summer Time

Summer time is here, and it is obvious. We have already hit 100 degrees, we have been to the free movies in town, friends have spent the night, we have had a picnic complete with hot dogs and potato salad, and my kids have told me they are bored. Aahh, summer, visions of lazy days and lemonade, but so far it as only been a vision. I seem busier than ever. I even have a hard time keeping up on laundry and grocery shopping. What happened to those lazy days I would look forward too? I don't know how my kids can be bored,we have been to the pool, the movies, the mountains, Pizza Hut, played games, made homemade donuts and more. I don't have time to be bored, how can they? It also tells me just how fast this summer is going and I don't know where it is taking us. Every time I read my Bible or devotional I hear...trust Me, I will not let you down, I will hold you, I have a plan. I don't doubt God in any of this but the waiting is hard. I also have been hearing, wait on Me, rest in Me. I don't know maybe I am doubting, I have never been without food, clothes or shelter so why worry now? I think I just want to know where we will be next month. Maybe I am not ready to hear the answer yet, maybe I need to rest more and worry less. Sounds like a great plan but so hard to apply. I am so busy with the kids etc. I don't have time ( at least that is my excuses) to be still. I even try, I get up at 6am and so do my kids, I get up at 5:15am and so do my kids, arrgghh. It is so hard but something I need to learn. God doesn't have to tell me His plans I just need to be ready to go. So the question is...do I pack or hold off, do I get all our medical records or wait, do I tell the schools I need records or not? I don't like the unknown but God is God and I am not. Don't I expect my kids to not always question everything, to trust me, to wait? Hmmm maybe I need to do the same thing? Lead by example is what I need to do. This summer will be over before I know it and I will look back and know exactly where I am in my Father's hands. Whether in Safford, San Jose, North Dakota, Alaska, Alabama, Tucson, or somewhere else entirely, that is the best place to always be and praise God, He will go with me anywhere.

13, middle school and diabetes

What a crazy couple of weeks we have had here in the O'Dell house. Two birthdays only four days apart both with parties on the same weekend and then music programs at school, middle school tour and doctor appointments and lets not forget Mother's Day. I think this all happens at once so I am wanting summer vacation for the kids as much as they do. Jennifer is now 13...a teenager. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around this. I think it is hard because I don't want to be old enough to have a teenager but alas it is the truth. I remember having my beautiful girl and how thrilled I was to have that first Mother's Day gift. She was and still is a treasure to me and always will be. She is so excited to be 13. For some reason she thinks it is a magic number where everything changes, she gets a boyfriend, wears makeup, life is better some how. Boy is she wrong about a lot of it. She is not getting a boy friend, she is not wearing makeup, but I do pray life is better for her. Becoming a teenager is exciting, it means growing up it means middle school. We got to tour the middle school and meet the special education teacher,  and some others. She was very excited (so she said) I also think she is apprehensive. Change is not easy for anyone but for a special needs kid routine is key. She has been a lot more weepy and keeps saying she is going to miss her current teacher. It is a lot to process even under the best of circumstances. She also knows we may be moving over the summer and that will change even more of her routine. She and I also went to Tucson for her Endocrinology appointment on Monday. They informed us that she has the beginning of type 2 diabetes. This is very common in prader willi children and it does run in our family ( my sister had type 1 and Paul's mom has type 2) Jennifer only knows that Aunt Carrie died and was a little scared. I assured her that Carrie had it for 42 years, had a heart attack and it was type 1. The doctor was very gracious and not patronizing (a nice change from most). She wants us to move more and eat lots of veggies. She didn't condemn either one of us just wants us to try and get it under control without any medication if we can. It was a great wake up call for me. I knew we should be eating better but I get lazy and now I can't, I have no excuses. We ride bikes together, play on the Wii together and eat our veggies together. I know this will get harder as we try and cut out so much junk but I have a great reason to. I have actually been beating myself up. I knew this was a concern and I still had junk in the house. Sugar is every bit as addicting as any other drug of choice. I also hate telling Jennifer no when she want more food. I know it is best for her but the mom in me hates it. I wonder how mom's who don't have any food for their children do it. It breaks my heart and it must break theirs. It is not the way we are suppose to do it. Mothers are suppose to give their children food when they are hungry and I hate telling her she can't have it when she feels like she is starving. I think it is an absolutely cruel syndrome. I know we are all learning so much from it but learning is very painful at times. I look forward to the banqueting table in Heaven where she can eat what ever she wants and how much she wants! My daughter is growing up and while I can't stop it I can enjoy every minute of it. She is so precious to me and I couldn't love her anymore if I tried. My princess will always be my princess no matter where life takes us and I am glad we have made it to 13! She makes me a better person. I see God's love in her so much. She loves more than most I know and God shows me all the time how much He loves me by using her as an example. I always wanted to me a wife and mother and I can never doubt His love for me, he gave me a wonderful husband and 3 incredible kids...I am blessed!!!!!

Get ready to stretch

I love to be comfortable. Lounging on the couch with a good book is one of the most relaxing things in the world to me. I don't think this is wrong and resting and sitting down for a while is great. I do wonder about my comfort and contentment. I can be content and not be comfortable. Take a marathon runner for example. When they are running are they comfortable? I don't think so. They get hot, tired, sore, exhausted even but ask them if they are content and most if not all would say yes. A labor and delivery nurse works on her feet for 12 hour shifts, exhaustion is common and so is dealing in high stress but are they content? I know most are. They are doing something they love and are passionate about. What am I passionate about? Am I content? Do I really want to stretch and grow? I say yes but then I start the stretching and it is hard work and I want to stop. I have no desire to run a marathon, I get tired just watching someone else do it. I do know that it feels great when I have exercised and reached a goal however. So what is holding me back now from moving from comfortable to stretching? Fear and doubt! Every time I think it is time to go forward, someone says don't. Godly people say "are you crazy?" "you don't have a plan" "God doesn't expect you to just go, does He?" I start to question and worry. I don't see a clear path, OK I don't see any path right now. Maybe we have gotten ahead of God. I hope and pray not. Our hearts are right, we want to go and serve. We are ready to move forward and yet no door seems to be opening for us. I can tell you I am definitely stretching now and it is uncomfortable. I am waiting for a miracle to happen. I know God can do anything. I pray He shows us His plan quickly, even if it isn't what I thought it would be. I can't just sit on the couch any longer, it is time to move forward...somewhere.

Walking in Faith...stay or go

I have always been told to seek God's Will. I truly want to do this, it is my hearts desire to serve my God and Savior. So why is it so hard to see what that "will" is for me? I think I know what He asks and then I don't see it happening, this is even after waiting years for the answer. I know that God's will is for me to praise and serve Him and I can do that anywhere He sends me, and I do find comfort in that. I also know that God has a specific plan for my life and I want to do that. I don't want second best, I don't want to do "something" for God I want to do what is priority is for me...His best! How do you know when to move forward and when to stay still? Some would say don't go anywhere until you hear from God where to go. I could argue that I could sit here for the rest of my life; still serve and worship but not move forward. Some would say step out in faith and just go. I could argue that I don't want to tempt God and push forward just because I am tired of the waiting ( Joseph was in prison for how long? David was anointed as King but how long before he wore the crown?) I know that God has a plan for me and for my family. I do not want to get ahead of God and have to sit in the wilderness even longer or only get His second best for my life. So where does the faith come in? Sit and wait for the pillar to move or go like Abraham until God says stop? Some things are not so easy to see with my human and sinful eyes. I did come to the realization yesterday that maybe I should pray differently ( now don't get me wrong, God knows my heart and what I am saying) and change my focus just a little. I have been asking, OK begging God to show us what we are suppose to be doing and where we need to be, what is best for me and my family. God showed me last night that I should be asking where will I bring You the most glory, where will I become more like Christ? Where is it going to be about God and not me? I still don't know what God has for us next or when we will go but I am hoping my new focus will give me peace as I seek to serve whether staying or going.

I think I will write this blog tomorrow

Anyone that knows me even a little bit knows I put things off until they have to be done. If you know me a little better you know just how truly lazy I can be. Of the 7 deadly sins my number one is definitely slothful  (with gluttony coming in a close 2nd, but that is another post). If you read my post you can see just how often I don't post. I have plenty of time and lots of things I feel God is telling me to write down. I write beautiful posts in my head while drifting off to sleep and even have great to do lists all planned out for the next day, but alas they never come to pass, just time does. I am not sure why I struggle so with this. I know I am tired a lot and seem to have no energy but I have been a terrible house keeper even when I was young and felt great. I am just horribly lazy. I am also very social, I would much rather be on the phone or better yet out with someone getting coffee and visiting. I know I drive my family crazy with my lack of ambition. I never finished college, I have many craft projects only halfway done ,I have a latch hook rug I started in 8th grade (1980) for Home Ec  I have never finished. If my teacher knew she would have flunked me, she was so sure I would finish it a week or two after school was out because I had made great progress in class. I start to organize or spring clean and I stop and things stay in  piles to give away, file, etc. and I never finish. I know this isn't honoring to God and I keep saying tomorrow I will do better but tomorrow never happens. I am a dreamer with great plans and no discipline, no accountability, no drive. Even now there are several things I should be doing and yet I sit here and think about how wonderful it would be to go to lunch with a friend or call my sister and catch up. I am amazed that my family doesn't give up on me and neither does my God. I am so grateful for God loving me just as I am and yet I know He has plans for me. I need to get motivated, I need to get up and do something. I need to start moving, just don't know how. How do you change something that is so ingrained into your personality?  How do you change who you are? God help I can't do this even a little bit on my own. I need a Savior!!!!! and maybe a house keeper :)

A night in Bisbee

Friday Paul and I left the kids with My mom and sister and headed for Bisbee, Arizona. Now some may wonder why Bisbee, it is a small little town that as a lot of artists and history and a motley bunch of others. We just wanted to get away and it is a fun little town that is unique. We drove through Soniota. Huchuca City, Sierra Vista, Hereford and Palominos and maybe even a few others. It was a perfect day for a drive. We stopped and had lunch with a wonderful friend at a favorite lunch spot in Sierra Vista...The Bread Basket. They have the best coconut macaroons you have ever tasted. We bought the last 2 and took them with us. We were once again on our way. We arrived in Bisbee and checked in to the Copper Queen Hotel. It is a beautiful old hotel with a lot of history, again something I love. The room was small but I loved the whole feeling of the place. We took a walk or should I say stroll down the main street and looked in all the little shops, we stopped at the visitors centers,looked in antique stores, art galleries and one of a kind shops, all without a single complaint of "I'm bored" 'Are we done yet?" "Can we leave now" or my favorite "I'm hungry" That alone made Bisbee a wonderful getaway for the two of us. We had a wonderful dinner out on the patio of our hotel. After dinner we took a walking tour of the history of Bisbee. It started at 7:00p.m. because most of the history had ghost stories to go with them. I enjoyed the history of the town and all the buildings around it. The ghost stories were neither scary or a problem for me, at least that is what I thought. When we were done for the evening I must admit going to sleep was more difficult than I anticipated. I spook easily so any sound can conger up ideas of what it could be and none of them are of course harmless. I then realized I needed the song from Veggie Tales "God is Bigger than the Boogie Man" My favorite verse in the whole Bible is Psalm 27:1 The Lord is my light and my Salvation,whom shall I fear? The Lord is the Strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid? " Sleep still eluded me because I was so hot but that isn't the hotels fault. We slept in and went over to the Bisbee Coffee Co. for breakfast. Coffee was a great start to the day which was looking to be another wonderful day weather wise. We did some more walking and went the the mining museum. It is what made Bisbee in it's heyday. Mining cooper was big business, my dad used to work for a copper mine. Seeing all the minerals and how they mined everything was fascinating. It was a a great history and very hands on.We stopped at a Tea Shop where the lady made up her own teas, and bought some specifically for allergies and sinus. She had a tea called "Goddess" I would have loved to have gotten some for Carrie. We saw a man carrying a pet lizard that was bigger than a toddler, it looked like an iguana to me but not sure. We saw many interesting people but all were very friendly. We packed up headed out and had a wonderful drive back. We stopped at a little mom and pop place for a late lunch in Soniota. It was a wonderful time away from all the stress of everyday life. It was wonderful to recharge and just be a couple, it was wonderful to experience a place we hadn't had a chance to be before. I am so thankful for a wonderful husband who planned all of this for our anniversary. I am blessed and I thank God for 15 amazing years. Bisbee was a fun trip and I loved every minute of it.

5 Nights in a Hotel

A couple of weeks ago I had the responsibility and privilege to take my mother in law Phyllis to Tucson for a week of radiation. We had to be at the Oncologist every morning by 8:00 a.m. and every afternoon again around 2:30 p.m. We stayed in a hotel that technically had two rooms although there were no doors. The bathroom and sink were in my room and there was only one T.V. in the front room. The hotel had wi fi but only in the lobby or on the patio not in the rooms. In reality Phyllis could have taken herself but Paul and I both agreed that that was not something anyone should have to do. So even though I had to be away from Paul and my kids I packed lots of books and made plans for the week. I have several friends in  Tucson and was going to take advantage of the opportunity to see some of them. Staying in a hotel for 5 days isn't my idea of fun when all you get to do is stare at four walls and don't have enough money to go do anything exciting, especially when I didn't have my family to share it with. Phyllis and I don't agree on most of the shows we watch...she can live on Fox News and the Game Show Network. I love The Big Bang Theory (even if I shouldn't). She tends to complain about everything that is happening in this world of ours and I try to be more optimistic. She complains in a joking and sarcastic manner about everything. Every time we went to the Oncologist She would greet them in a grumbling manner and then laugh like it was funny. What bothers me the most about all of this is the fact I could see me doing the same thing. Sarcasm is something I have down to an art form, but seeing it in someone else so often and clearly made me aware of just how much I really don't like it. We tend to think if we say it in a joking way it is OK to say anything we want to no matter how negative or hurtful it may be. I know how much it can hurt and yet I still do it. So the question is...am I really learning a lesson if I gain the knowledge but don't apply it or do anything with it but file it away? I did learn to love my mother in law more. I truly tried to see things from her perspective and realize she is flawed just like the rest of us but still has a lot to offer. God loves her just as much as He loves me, something I say I know but don't always act like I believe. I went into the week thinking I was a wonderful daughter in law and patting myself on the back but I came away with the realization that we all have flaws, hurts, issues and even our good points. Phyllis and I will never be best friends but I can say that I love her more now than I did a few weeks ago and I pray she can say the same about me. I also hope I have truly "learned" something from all of this and not just gained a few pieces of information.

People pleaser

For as long as I can remember I have been a people pleaser. I love people, and can talk to anyone. Growing up I loved school and church and anywhere there were lots of people. I made freinds imediately wherever we moved to. I was never mistaken for being shy or reserved. Most of the time I love this, however that also makes me a great follower. I hate it when someone doensn't like me or what I am donig. I will try to do whatever I can to make everyone happy. I do not like conflict, and telling someone no is practically physically painful for me. I am a sap! This makes it difficult to follow God I am finding out. I will do what I think...no I am sure God wants and then someone will come along and say something that makes me think I shouldn't. We are to follow godly council and that causes me a lot of conflict. Even in the Bible it seems those who truly followed God went against everyone else. How do you balance that? We are to love as Christ loved, we are to seek godly wisdom from others and yet I almost always get conflicting advice. Even in my own study time I often get mixed signals. I am learning however and hopefully, that when God calls me to do something to stick with it and do it. I may still struggle with the difference of a road block by God and a spiritual attack from the enemy, but I pray that I will keep praying and seeking God until I can tell the difference. I still love making people happy and I love it when everything works great and I look like a great friend or hero ( that is another topic on pride for another day) but I really want to learn to please my Lord and Savior. My list of friends may shrink considerably and that is going to hurt but I have to stand before the Great I AM someday and will do it alone,I want to hear "well done my good and faithful servant" I don't think I will hear that about this last week. Prasie God for His mercy and grace!

Long night

Yesterday was going along fine. I knew I had a sleep study that I had to be at by 9:30 p.m. I wasn't allowed to have any caffiene all day : ( I also could not use any conditioner, lotion, mouse, powder, etc. I live in Arizona and it is DRY and cold right now. Not using any of those products was a real drag. I wanted lotion so bad and my hair...remember the science experiment where you put your hand on the big silver ball and your hair stands straight out? I didn't need the big shiney ball. Life was just moving along and then Paul's mom got a call to come in to her doctor right away. When she came home she told me she has breast cancer. Now my mother in law comes across  very stoic and removed from showing any tenderness, but I was crushed. I didn't show it, she didn't show it, I don't think she will. This isn't what I expected in the new year, but then I am always getting unexpected stuff, that is life. I do know this is going to be difficult for Paul and his mom both but I think it can be a good thing too. I must admit going to my sleep study was hard. I didn't want to leave Paul and I knew sleep would be difficult. Well I must have slept enough to get the information they needed and I was put on a c-pap half way through the night. I will be getting my own in the near future. Don't think I slept any better the second half but they seemed to think I did. I don't think the c-pap comes in candy apple red with lace so I am not looking forward to sleeping next to my sweet prince in one. I know he will just be glad I am breathing and not snoring, now he can sleep bette also. Life is full of so much and I have a hard time processing it all sometimes. I don't want to just have a hum drum life though and that means embracing the ups and downs. All that is happening makes me appreciate what I do have. Today my oldest son turns 10. We are going to have cheesecake with strawberries and Friday he gets a party with all of his friends. I want to relish each moment and without the difficult stuff I don't think I would appreciate the blessings that I have in abundance. I am going to go celebrate life today!

One takes the bow and one takes the blame

Everyone has conflict. It is unavoidable. Many years ago I learned that when there is a conflict people want to blame one side or the other (just look at our politicians). It is human nature. We tell ourselves that there are two sides to every story but we still want to blame someone. In a relationship someone is always the jerk or the diva. We say we understand why they broke up because one of them whas just impossible to live with. Human nature is wired that way. We have to have someone to blame, to make ourselves feel better, to save face, to help cope, whatever the reason. It is a part of self preservation. and it starts at a very young age. Listen to children in a nursery or daycare or even your own kids. When someone gets hurt or starts fighting and you ask what happened, they all want to point a finger and say "they started it" or "it wasn't me". We try and teach them responsiblity and accepting fault but it is so hard, even for adults. We do not like to take the blame at least not without explaining why it happened first. There was a song out many years ago by the Statler Brothers (my all time favortie group) that is called One Takes the Bow One Takes the Blame. It is about a a couple getting a divorce ( I am not condoning this) and the husband is telling his soon to be exwife that he know someone has to be blamed and he will do that. Everyone can say it was his fault and let her off the hook. It was very admirable but sad. Most conflict isn't that cut and dry. We do not see things clearly, we see them through our own hurts and failures. I truly believe that no story is completly true. Only God knows the truth 100%. He knows the heart and the hurts behind all the failures and conflicts in our lives. However sometime we have to take the blame and let stuff go. It is difficult. I have seen others do this with great grace and mercy. God knows their hearts and the truth. It shouldn't matter what others may think, but it does. Oh to have the grace to take the blame and just walk away so others can go on. Lord give me the strength to let go and not feel the need to excuse my actions and point fingers. I have blown it and I am sorry. I will take the blame.

Healing

I am always surprised by how much pain I can feel from something that has happened a long time ago. I think I am ok and have moved on when something can trigger it and it all comes back fresh and very real. I try to move on, I try to forgive. I even think that I have forgiven, and maybe I have. But if I have why does it still hurt so much? I tell myself and my family that life hurts. We are going to feel pain. I know we live in an imperfect and flawed world. I know that sin and Satan are very very real. I know my need for my Savior. If this life were perfect I would not need Christ and Heaven, I would not look forward to it.Without the pain I wouldn't appreciate the wonderful blessings I have. If life were always the same I would become numb to my needs and the needs of those around me. I also know that when I hurt I cling to my Savior, it is where I should always be anyway and I tend to slip away without even realizing it. Satan wants me to focus on the bad and forget what God has called me to do. I wonder if the harder something is the more likely it is that I am doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing. If that is true then I am doing exaxtly what God wants and I can't worry about what others think. I need to please my Savior, I need to be in the middle of His will and not my own. I need to move out of my comfort zone and get on with what I know God had called me to do!! Will it be easy? I doubt it. Will it be pain free, absolutly not! Christ suffered more than I can ever imagine.If I suffer even a little I pray it is for His glory and never my own.Onward with what God has called me to do!

Resolutions

The New Year is here. A time of reflection and looking forward. A time to make some changes and hope they stick, aah that is the snag. It seems we wait for January 1st so we can plan all these great things (eating better, exercise more, get organized, spend less, stop smoking, etc. etc.) How long does it take us to blow it, a few days, a few hours? What amazes me is that we ( maybe I should say I ) give up so easily. Why? Of course we blow it, but why not try again? Why do we wait for the New Year? If I decide to start eating better and on January 4 I get a Big Mac and milk shake do I just quit trying for the whole year? Do I have to wait for a Monday? Why can't I just get up and do better for dinner instead of waiting. We tend to make excuses even as to why we wait ie "it is the weekend and I am running around so much, I will eat a salad Monday" I can order a salad at any fast food place I go to. I choose not to. That is were the problem lies, 'I choose" Change isn't easy, starting a new habit isn't either, it is doable though. I don't have to wait for any special day or time. I don't have to wait for the summer, or school to start, or even the New Year. I keep moving forward, I keep trying, I find accountability, I find encouragement. I don't give up! So while I have made a few resolutions ( most of which I have already messed up) I still go back to them.

1. I want to loose weight and eat better
2. I want to stop yelling.
3. I want to be more encouraging
4. I want to spend more time in the Word and prayer
5. I want to let those I care about know it.
6. I want to be more organized and less messy.

I will blow it,I will have to start over, but I will not give up! Don't stop trying, don't give up. Anything that takes work is worth it! Happy New Year! 
 

Trying to catch up

I was just looking at my old posts and realized it has been way to long. With me spending more and more time on facebook I tend to neglect my blog. This is not a good thing because I love to write out what God is speaking to me and it helps me. When I write it down it makes it real and I tend to be more accountable. I have had so much going on that it is hard to write it all down. God has been moving in my life and in my families. We are very excited and a little scared. That is good because I depend on Him more when I get scared and know I can't do it alone. I need to get back on track with writing everything down also. I tend to forget what I learn and what God is doing ( just like the Isrealites huh?) 
 We have now been in Safford for 3 years. This has been my wilderness time. I am not sure it is over but I can see us moving forward again and that gives me hope. These 3 years have been necesary for both myself and Paul. It has been hard and long but without it I would not be who I am today. I have heard over and over from God "TRUST ME" Most of the time this is all I have gotten. I feel like I have cried out over and over. I have pleaded, wepted and even screamed "when, why, how long" Again and again I hear my Lord say 'TRUST ME" . He isn't loud, He isn't rude, He doens't get tired of me asking (thank God for that). I have told Him " I do trust You, so lets move on" I then realize that maybe I don't. If I did would I still be whinnig so much about the wait, wouldn't I trust that it isn't time yet.? I am learning to let go. Now it is time!

Paul is going back to seminary.This time for his MDIV. He is called to be a pastor not a music minister. I have known this almost as long as I have known him. I also knew that God had to show him and tell him when not me. He has applied and been accepted to Golden Gate Baptist Theological Seminary. He will be taking classes on line right now but eventually we will move again. We are ready, even if I am a little scared. I don't like change. Funny I know when I have been dying to do something new. I have gotten a better appreciation for my Mother-in-law by living with her. I see her better now and hopefully love her more. 
 
God is moving me more also.I will be speaking to minister's wives at the end of January. This is a burden I have had for a long time but knew it had to be God's timing and not my own. This will stretch my faith in ways that it never has before. I am stepping out it complete trust of Him. He has to do this through me or I will fail! I do not want pride to go with me. I want to be totally used by my Savior! I want Him to be glorified and not me! 


Well that is my last three months in a nutshell. I will be better about this and much more is coming. I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. Doesn't matter really, this is between me and my Savior. If you are reading this. Please keep myself and Paul as well as our kids in your prayers. We have a lot happening and only God can make it happen. Have an amazing New Year, I know I will!