The Bible tells us there is a time for everything under the sun. I have heard these words, I believe them, I understand them, or at least I thought I did. I am now having to do something I never thought I would, most people don't have to do this and I have never known anyone else that has to. The time has come for locks. Not just any locks but locks in our kitchen, on every part of it that contains food. I have avoided this for as long as possible and really we should have done it a year ago. Prader Willi is a very ugly thing and while I know that God has used it and will continue to do so to grow me and my family I hate it. Jennifer is 15 years old and no matter how healthy she eats or how little she continues to gain weight. She is always hungry to the point of starving in her mind and is willing to risk almost anything to get food, she is now sneaking and probably has been longer than I care to think about. This makes it all too real, something I have tried to avoid. She was diagnosed at 4 weeks old so you would think I would have accepted it by now. I am finding out I haven't, I try to normalize her life (which I now is good) and make her work just as hard as her brothers or anyone else. We don't try and allow her to use Prader Willi as an excuse for not doing something we expect of her even if it means working harder than the average teen. Locking up the food gives me a reality check, a wake up call, a what ever you want to call it. I have to come face to face with the fact my daughter has some major struggles and she is not like everyone else. I feel like a huge failure when it comes to her food. If I had just tried harder, been more disciplined, not letting up she wouldn't be as big as she is and have the problems she does. Maybe those who give their children a lettuce leaf with a little sugar and call it a treat are doing it right and I am not. I am questioning everything I do with her and beating myself up. I know this is a lie from Satan but it is hard. I really thought if we tried hard enough this day wouldn't have to come. This doesn't feel normal. I had a very wise friend say this is normal, it is your normal. I just need to remember that and trust God for strength and peace.
Here comes the bride...17 years ago today I walked down the aisle to that very song. It was something I had dreamed of my entire life and had serious doubts as to whether it would ever happen. You can ask my friend Dawn just how I felt, I am sure she hasn't forgotten. She was my Matron of Honor and I had stayed the night at her house, not sleeping but talking most of the night after the dress rehearsal. We went and got our hair done together before heading to the church and did more talking. I relished every moment and detail of the days up to and including my wedding. There is little if anything I would change...maybe some pictures, food or the dresses not being so hot; even though it was March in Arizona it was still warm. None of that has changed the fact that I have been married to the man of my dreams now for 17 years, that is one thing I would never change. He was worth waiting for and I love him more today than I did then. Do I believe in happily ever after...yes and no. Life hasn't been perfect but it wouldn't have been without my Sweet Prince either. He has helped make me into the woman I am today, he is the reason I have 3 incredible kids that call me mom every day. He is the reason I get to celebrate an Anniversary that I wondered if it would ever come. He has taken me places I never thought I would go and learned to love. I fail him often and he still loves me, I think he could say the same thing...he better ;) We are good together, we are not perfect but we are perfect for each other. I can't believe 17 years have come and gone, now days that seems to be some kind of record but I can honestly say I have NEVER considered not staying married to my Sweet Prince, even with our ups and downs it has been and incredible ride and God has held us every step of the way. There was a day 18 years ago that I didn't think this would ever happen for me, I cried out to God and asked for strength to keep Him first even when that meant being alone, even if it meant for the rest of my life. I praise and thank God for holding me then and now and giving me a godly man who wants to keep our marriage holy also. We have grown, changed, and not changed as much as we would like, but we do it together with God has our foundation.
I was driving down the road today and my gas tank was almost on E. I remember someone once telling me e=enough...just enough to work or the store or the next time I stop. He ran out of gas more than once. I then realized I do the same thing with God. I am always wanting just enough of Him to get by on. If life is in a panic like it was with SSI this last week I come to Him often, crying out praying, reading looking for guidance, assurance, peace, etc. Then when the crisis is overted or over I back off...why? It seems most of us want just enough of a lot of things to get by. I only drink the minium of water of healthy choices in food and then go right back to soda, junk food etc. We want a quick fix with minimal effort. Haven't I figured out by now that enough is not God's best for me. Why don't I want to be filled to overflowing? Why do I quit when things start looking up, when I am almost there? We loose focus and get lazy, I am great at mediocre...not good!!! I have the God of the universe as my Father and He wants what is best. Is it any wonder He allows crisis to happen in my life just so I will run back to Him? I am tired of living with enough...I want an abundance of His grace, mercy, peace, strength, love, wisdom, etc.!! Enough is not enough, I want to overflow!
Growing up in Southern Arizona there are a lot of things I can tell you about and appreciate about the desert. I knew what to do and not to do in the 100 plus heat, what kind of critters to look for and avoid. I knew how drive in a flash flood and monsoon and loved watching the thunder storms. I can name a lot of cacti and desert flora and fauna. A lot of this I took for granted until this desert rat moved to North Dakota. I am about as close to the Canadian border as I use to be to the Mexican border. I am now in the middle of my second winter up here and I can tell you there is a lot I didn't know and probably still don't, little things that those grew up here take for granted ( I did in the desert) and big things like how to drive on ice...fun. All of this to say I have learned a lot and continue too learn new stuff every day. God is teaching me so much through snow, cold, ice, ear muffs, etc.
I love to watch the snow fall especially in the early morning when I am the only one awake. It is beautiful, peaceful and fascinating. I see the fresh snow and how crisp and clean it is and remember the Bible where it says "wash me and I shall be whiter than snow Psalm 51:7. The snow even in the dark of night can radiate. I get up and think a light must be on somewhere in the house. It can be blinding it is so bright. What's more is it doesn't take long for it to get dirty. Anything that isn't of God taints His beauty and it doesn't take a lot. One set of foot prints are easily seen in the snow, a little sand or dirt and it looses its pristine brilliance. I am the same way doing my own thing not God's. That is the influence of sin on God's perfect plan.
I also didn't know much about driving. I had heard of snow tires and chains but not studs and a block heater with a plug sticking out of your car engine? Do you know what packed snow and ice sounds like on your tires when you are turning or backing out of your driveway? I didn't and all these sounds had me wondering if my van was in need of a tune up. Do I know the signs of needing a spiritual tune up? Am I assuming I know what I need or am I ready for anything God has for me. How about things to keep in your car for an emergency, I can tell you I didn't think about a lot of it ( salt or litter, candles, cans, lighters, sleeping bags, snacks, jumper cables ( the cold can drain a battery) I know most of these things I won't need but I have to carry them just in case. I feel like a Boy Scout, "always be prepared". Am I prepared for God's work?
Clothing is another learning experience for me. You can't have too many layers some days or enough gloves. We have a basket full of scarves, gloves, ear muffs, hats and more. We all have several coats now and depending on the temperature and wind determines which one we choose to wear that day. 30 degrees can feel like a nice Spring day now. I would have been freezing at that temperature in Arizona. Gloves can come with nose wipe areas on the thumb and are advertised this way, I laughed the first time I saw it. I wonder how much care I take with my spiritual clothing every day and do I know what I put on or better yet in my life?
I could go on and know I will learn more with each day. I never would have thought I would have lived in this much snow but I can say I have loved it and learned so much. I am thrilled to have this opportunity and if anyone moves to the desert from here I will be better prepared to help them with their transition.
