Friday, June 29, 2012

Pride is painful but humility isn't easy either

I have come to the conclusion that everyone has some kind of pride issue. It may be incognito as a martyr, as always serving, or even as low self esteem. The biggest one to me is claiming how humble someone says they are or "I used to be arrogant and proud but not anymore"  If you have to say that then you are still proud. I say all this only because I have been dealing with my own pride lately and I hate that I can see it in myself so strongly and ugly. What bothers me the most is I didn't think I struggled with pride in this particular area so much. I want to be humble, I truly do but the process is painful. It is like looking at myself through a microscope and seeing all the germs and bacteria. Every time I think I am making strides forward I fall right back into the selfish pit again. I also know that Christians are just as bad if not worse, our holier that thou attitudes are terrible. We think we are so good or at least better than "sister so in so" or "brother what's his name" We think that if we don't do it it won't get done or at least not as well as if we did it. I am no better and I hate it. God has exposed some areas in my life and has been dealing with them and it hurts. Cleaning out the stuff in my life and seeing how I am and how I need to change is a painful and not so quick process. I want it to be all about God not me, I want to give Him the glory, I want to do whatever He asks and not worry about others and what they may think,  so why is it so hard when I am not being used or given a pat on the back or worse being praised for doing something? What happens when someone else comes along and does something better than I do or worse they are not any better but they get to do what I wanted to or was doing? I got to be honest it hurts and it is because of pride and being all about me. What bothers me the most is I really don't want to feel this way. I want to let things go and just focus on my Savior so why cant I? I think it because God needs to get rid of it and it takes time and yes some pain, maybe that way I will remember what it felt like and not go back to that way of thinking. It will be on to the next painful growth opportunity....I can hardly wait.

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