The Necessary Evil

I have been struggling a lot lately with church. Now listen carefully to me before you freak out or turn me off. I love church. I have gone all my life with very few exceptions. I have been loved on, lifted up, refreshed, blessed, and felt the presence of my Lord and Savior. With all that said...I don't find it to be enjoyable any more. It must be me. The bible tells me I am to worship and it isn't about me being entertained or feeling all spiritual and weepy after a service. I try going in with giving to God and not "what's in it for me" I think what is bothering me the most is the politics of church. I have been a member of several churches in several states and even a few different denominations. It is all the same. The theology may be different but the politics are all the same.We say love each other, we say forgive one another, we even say that we do love "so in so" but let me tell you, actions speak louder than words, and our actions are anything but loving! We are ugly, mean, holier than thou, proud, etc. I think church is a place where we judge each other, gossip instead of pray and have huge power struggles over who is in charge. We must break God's heart and Satan must love it. I believe the reason churches struggle so much is because we let Satan. He doesn't want churches to even survive little alone thrive. I am tired of mediocrity and settling. It isn't enough and God doesn't want it. I keep thinking maybe the next church will be different. I will not stop going to church. I know the benefits and the command to go. I know it is a great foundation for my kids. If nothing else they learn that Christians are flawed and very imperfect and need a Savior. I just wish we would stop playing church and wounding each other, and acting like the pharisees who are so much better than everyone else. Stop playing church and really pray and let God work, I think we would see miracles happen if we did.

summer recap

Summer is coming to an end in the O'Dell household. I know it is still well over 100* still outside and the bugs are in full force but school starts again next week. No more sleeping in, although my kids are up at 6:30 most mornings now, no more sitting around in our pj's, no more "I'm bored". All this will be replaced with getting up and hearing "I'm tired and want to sleep", "I can't find my shoes", "do I have to go to school?" I will try to stay calm and encouraging, we will read our devotional most mornings, I will attempt to make good breakfasts and lunches, I will probably fail miserably at least several times a week.

Our summer has not been typical for us this year. Paul had 2 surgeries so we stayed around home most of the time. We had our own camp homefront for the 2nd year in a row. We saw lots of free movies down the road, the popcorn isn't free but it is still a great deal. We got to go swimming a few times had VBS and just enjoyed being together...most of the time : D My cousins came to visit for a few days and that was a real highlight for us! The kids have all grown (Levi is wearing 14 slims and he is only 9). They are changing before my eyes and faster than I would like. Nathaniel starts kindergarten in a few days and I am not sure how I will handle it. He is very excited and that helps but boy is the house going to be quiet. I need to seriously be on my knees before God. I also need to do some spring cleaning...ok getting rid of a lot of crap. Anyone who knows me knows how well I keep house.I need to start using the wii active again. I will have plenty to keep me occupied, can anyone say facebook lol. I won't have a cute little boy bugging me though and making me laugh, I won't have to take him with me to the store and hear "can I have that, can I have that, can I have that?" I will get to hear all about school from his perspective, and that will be fun. I know this is a milestone for both of us and it needs to happen. I can't stop it. For as long as I can remember I wanted to have kids, I never thought of the painful times that would take place. School is bittersweet and no matter now many kids I had I would eventually have to let them all go. They are God's anyway and He can take care of them so much better and loves them more.I will have to be brave and let them all go. One day they will go to college and them what will I do? I will get through this and God will hold me. I don't know how anyone makes it without Him. Anyway, I am glad we had this lazy summer to enjoy being together and I know Nathaniel as well as Jennifer and Levi will have great stories to share, besides I am a parent volunteer, I will be at the schools almost as much as the kids.

Jealousy

What do you think of when you think of jealousy? Usually it is a green eyed monster that makes us crazy beyond all reason. It isn't something we like in our spouse...at least not in extremes. Well I have been dealing with it in a very different way for the last several years. It started slowly, when I first moved away from my family by more than just a couple of hours. We were called to ministry and moved to Ft. Worth Texas. For me it was a very difficult adjustment. To say that I am close to my family would be an understatement, they are my whole world. Moving just proved it. I was so home sick, but not only did we survive, our marriage was better for it. Paul and I learned to be a family unit with just God and the kids. It wasn't easy but it was needed. When seminary was over and we were called to Florida I was ready. I had already been away from my family for 4 years now. I was excited even though it meant being even farther away. We came and fell in love with the people of GGBC in Callahan. We knew this is where we were suppose to be...again, just like seminary. I became very close to the people of our church. I was always told you don't do this as a ministers wife. Let me just say I AM NOT SORRY! They were and continue to be a blessing to me. However God was still teaching me much about jealously. We serve an amazing God. The Great I Am! He is also a jealous God...jealous? Really like a green eyes monster? I don't think that is the way it works with Him. Yes He is jealous but it is a righteous jealousy because He loves us so much and wants what is best for us. When He is not first...no when He is not everything to us, we are going to suffer. He doesn't want that. He doesn't want us to hurt. He knows what we need. Anyway, I was close to God and growing every day, but I was also depending on my coffee ladies and a few others more than I should. God didn't want to be one of the most important things in my my, He wanted to be the ONLY thing. I rarely went to Him first. I would talk to my sister or a friend. I would ask them to pray. Then I would think to do it too. I remember hearing very clearly, God saying " if I took away your coffee ladies and the support of this church would you still praise ME in this storm or any storm?" I said " of course but what a silly unnecessary question." God took them away with in a matter of a couple of weeks after that conversation He and I had. Let me just say at this point I had be praying and fasting a lot. God knows our heart and He knew I was still very dependent on others.

Most know just how painful leaving was. It felt like a divorce or death. It was and still is at times a very real hurt. I had never hurt like that before. I said "OK God I get it, You are not going to share Your place in my life. You are number one". Well that was short lived. My sister became my life line. We talked daily for at least an hour. We would share what God was showing us and pray. It also got to the point where I called her any time I panicked, was stressed, worried or even excited. I wanted to share everything with her first. Now I don't believe God took her from me to say ha ha and it is all your fault she is gone. No I know she was ready to go. God did use it again to show me...ME first. I created you I love you more than anyone.come to ME!!! 

I have been away from Callahan for over 2 years now and Carrie has been gone for almost 2 years. God even scared me with the idea of losing Paul. I do not have any really really close friends here. I believe the reason is God is still trying to get it through my thick head. He doesn't share His glory. He knows my heart. I want more than anything to make Him my all and all. I pray for this...have been for years. He is answering too. I truly believe once I put Him first and keep Him first, He will give me a close friend again. He will give me the desires of my heart. I just need to stop letting others share His spot. "You will have NO other gods before Me. You shall not make for yourself an idol or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth. You shall not worship them or serve them, for I the Lord Your God am a jealous God. Exodus 20: 3-5

Please hear my heart. Friends and family are a must. I long for the day I have a friend locally I can talk to every day again. God just knows where I am right now and what He is teaching me. I need to run to Him first for everything. The prodigal did not run to a friend or even his brother, he ran to His Father. That is what I want and what I am learning. Look what it took for the prodigal son to run to him...I hope I don't loose everything in order to see my need to run to my Father first and only for saving, mercy and grace and forgiveness.

God please be my everything!!

Grieving

Right now I am grieving. Some wonderful friends in Florida were killed in a car accident. One of the hardest things for me is that I am not there to share the grief with the rest of the family and friends, It sounds selfish but I feel alone in my grief. I want to be there hugging, praying and crying with Priscilla, Amber, and so many more. I loved Linda. She was an amazingly strong woman. She had been through so much and still had a sweet spirit. She was in our Beth Moore bible study at my house when we lived there. When we moved she asked if I thought it was all right that she take over as the leader. She didn't feel she could do it but she wanted to. I was thrilled and I know she did great. She was part of my coffee ladies that I still miss so much. I have a beautiful poncho that she knitted for me as Christmas gift. It is soft, warm, and a wonderful camel color. I ues it all the time. My sister even threatens to take it from me. I alway thought I would ask Linda to make another one and I would give it to my sister. I guess I took too long to ask. She also made dish towels. She wanted to sell them to make some money. I loved them and wanted to buy a few. She didn't wnat me to pay her. That was just the way she was. I put some money in the basket at her home anyway when she gave me the towels. She and Earl will be so missed. I have been trying to write to everyone I know and let them know how much they mean to me. I am only starting the C's right now. I hadn't gotten to the L's . I wish I had. I will let her family know how much she meant to me and hope I move a little faster through my list. I don't want to miss another chance to let anyone know I love them. I still want to be there. Alone in your grief is a very hard place to be. 

I am Living Proof (part 2)

It has been a few days and I am finally taking the time to write down some of what I learned from Beth Moore. What is sad and all to common with me is, I forget so quickly. I had such insight and excitement while I was there ad I couldn't wait to get home and start living the way God wanted. I am embarrassed to state that nothing seems to have changed and I had to go back to my notes (thank God I took them) to refresh my memory.

Most know that I want to do big things for God. I feel I have a lot I can share. I need to be honest, that is true but I would love to feel important too. It feels great to be loved, admired and even closer to God than most. Oh, how prideful and God will not share His glory. I know most in ministry struggle with this or maybe it isn't a struggle, but I can't compare myself to those who seem to have it all. God knows their hearts. It is frustrating to see others succeed when I know they are proud too, again not my place to do anything. God knows my heart and what I need to learn. What God has for me, is just that, only for me! The tomb alone is empty not my life. Christ's tomb is empty so I can be full. My calling is too big for me. I NEED God to accomplish it. I can not speak for God when I don't even comprehend what is happening. Think of Job, he didn't try and explain what was happening. I can not assume to get it. I need to live like the new creation that I am in Christ, not the old one with no hope.I serve the God of creation the Great I AM. I don't want to get to heaven and think I didn't think big enough of my God. He rose from the dead, He created everything I see. He can do so much more with me than I am letting Him do. 

Now let me say I still hate waiting and I still don't know what the next step is. I feel I am willing to take the next step if I just knew what it was. Pray for me. Pray that I will hear clearly from God and take the next step.

God is bigger than we can ever dream, so DREAM BIG!!!!! He can handle it.