I was raised in a family of 5, I had an older sister and a younger sister and I was fortunate enough to be the middle child. I loved my childhood, my immediate family and extended family and I couldn't wait to have a family of my own. I grew up and got married (much later than I had hoped but in God's perfect timing). I then had my first child and was blessed beyond all reason and had 2 more. I was once again in a family of 5, and I loved it! I was living the dream that I always wanted and I couldn't be happier....then we lost Jennifer.
We recently went on vacation, the first one in years as a family. We knew we wanted to do this with our boys and create some new memories, especially after these last several months. We made all the plans and reservations and were excited to go to Florida. My only problem that I wasn't anticipating was making reservations for only 4 people. We didn't need the extra bed in our hotel, when we stood in line for a ride, every time they ask "how many?" my heart wanted to scream...5, 3 in one seat and 2 in another! We always took turns on who would ride with whom. We would go out to eat and they would ask "how many?" again I would say 4 but I wanted desperately to say 5! It felt, incomplete, it felt, wrong. I even felt guilty.
There are 5 of us, aren't there? It's not like Jennifer never was, or has been forgotten, never! The problem is, that now I seriously struggle with how to answer the question "how many in your family?" You see when it comes to a ride, even though it is painful I know to say 4, but what do I say when someone asks, "how many children do you have?"If I say 3, inevitably I am asked, how old are they, or what are their names, what do they do? When I explain that one isn't with us it then becomes uncomfortable and they have to say, they are sorry or what happened, etc. If I only say 2 children, I am torn apart and feel I am cheating my beautiful girl. You see she will always be my baby. Those that already know our story may understand but meeting new people makes it awkward and strange. I don't really know how to explain it to where it makes sense. I feel like I am rambling or not making myself clear but this is where I am right now. My family of 5 isn't complete anymore and nothing will change that, it will always be a family of...?
1 comment:
I totally understand this one Goldie. I am sure your Mom went thru this when Carrie went Home to reunite with your Dad! Jennifer is now a part of that reunion gathering that we will be called home to one day. Some days that day will come way too quickly and others it can't come soon enough. I am grateful for everyday you are in my life this side of Heaven! What a glorious day it will truly be when our Savior we will see!!!!!! In the meantime, I'm glad we have tears and hugs to help us get by in the day to day! 💕
Post a Comment