Forgiven much or little?

I have been doing a Beth Moore study Jesus the One and Only. I have done this study 2 other times and wasn't going to do it this time. I knew the workbook answers, and even if I did it again I wasn't getting a new book. My thought was just use the old one. Well A wise leader gave me a new book anyway. She knew I would get lazy and not really participate. I know God's Word is alive and always speaking to me but I continue to be amazed at the things I am learning that I know I must have heard before.
Last week week we were in Luke 7:36-50. I have read this "story" many times, I have heard sermons and songs about it. A wonderful story but I wasn't expecting to get a big aha moment out of it. I was wrong.
First, I need to remember this wasn't just a story. We tend to forget that when we read the Bible. This woman was real and so was Simon, they lived and are related to someone today, maybe even me. Second, this woman was a "sinner". That is what Simon thought to himself. Aren't we all sinners? Simon was horrified that she was there weeping and kissing Jesus' feet. Why were her sins so much more terrible than Simon's? Simon was a Pharisee, he was religious, so much better than most, according to him anyway.
Christ told Simon something that clicked in a new and real way to me. Jesus said " her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much, but he who is forgiven little, loves little" (vs. 47) Our churches are full of people who love little. We may not mean to be that way or even realize that is what we are. We grow up in church, accept Christ at age 8 or 9 and go on with life. We don't know how to love much. We were never a "sinner" like some of the people out there and if we were we don't tell anyone at church because we will be condemned. We say we love but it is hard for us. We want our churches to look nice. Christ's followers were not church going Bible thumping choir singing followers. Our churches are failing at loving. We tell ourselves that we are no better and sin is sin but our attitude screams differently. We need to learn to love much. Thank God if you don't have a horrible sin secret or not so secret but don't become a Pharisee and memorize a bunch of rules, and wait for someone to break them so you can point fingers and gossip(which is a huge sin) I would take an adulterer over a gossip in church. Gossip doesn't have to be a lie to be gossip and Satan uses it in our churches like wildfire( sorry that should be another blog). Our churches are hurting because we have forgotten how to love like Christ. We are all sinners and if your sins are not as dirty as someone else's get on your knees and weep gratitude before a Holy God that He protected you! Anyone can be like "that" woman at Jesus' feet. I am, and can't wait to weep and kiss His feet. Lord help me to love much!

Tripped in the Mud

Last week Jennifer's school called. I wasn't home so we all played telephone tag. Paul finally called me (Nathaniel and I were at a friends house for a play date) and informed me that Jennifer needed a change of clothes because she had fallen in the mud. I was not happy because I was inconvenienced by all of this. She had done this before, she has terrible balance. My friend actually had some clothes she was getting rid of ( one of the reasons for my visit) and they would fit Jennifer, even shoes. I left Nathaniel to play and I quickly drove to the school, to rescue my princess. Jennifer was waiting in the Nurses office, her shoes were outside the door covered in mud. Her pants were bad but her shirt was only a little splattered. She changed clothes, seemed very happy and went to computer lab where the rest of her class was. I took her muddy stuff with me.
When Paul brought Jennifer home from school for the day, he asks me if I know that Jennifer was pushed into the mud? Well this was definitely news to me. Jennifer didn't mention it, the nurse didn't mention it, no one told me anything. I assumed she had fallen. What had happened, and why were we not told? We sat Jennifer down and asked for her to tell us all about what had happened during recess. She said she was not pushed but she was tripped, "by who," we asked. She had no idea who it was. She did tell both of her teachers. She said whoever did it got a pink slip. This is a bad thing that most kids try and avoid all year long. When you get a pink slip you get a visit with the guidance counselor, the principle or both.
Even though I was furious for not being properly informed, I was amazed and impressed with the way Jennifer handled it. She was not in tears when I got to her, even though she was covered in mud. She had let the proper authorities know what had happened. She told us what had happened as best as she could with what she saw and knew. She didn't blame anyone, if she wasn't sure who it was. She was OK with the whole thing.
Oh to be more like my precious daughter. When life knocks me down why don't I take it to my Savior? Why don't I tell Him what happened and let Him take care of it? Why do I want to get even and mean, complain and scream "it isn't fair"? I don't see the whole picture either and yet I am so sure that it is terribly unfair how I am treated. Satan is going to try and trip me, sometimes he will succeed. I need to take it to Jesus and let Him handle it. Get cleaned up and go on with what God has for me to do.
By the way she got a written apology the next day from the boy. God took care of her better than I could have. I would have hurt the kid, but that is another story.

Jelousy and envy

I woke up this morning in a really good mood. I have been doing an in depth Bible study and have really been praying and seeking after God. Life is on track and I am excited about what God is going to do in my life and in Paul's.
Then I checked e-mail. I received 2 different updates from friends who are as opposite as possible. One is in California and is a working professional and the other is in Florida family who literally live by faith in all they do. They both sent updates on what all is happening in their lives. This doesn't happen often either, my friend in Ca. does it maybe once a year at best. Both updates were exciting and full of the things God is doing. He is moving in mighty ways on both coasts and it is wonderful to see my friends being a part of all He is doing.
Satan is alive and well. When I read both updates, I immediately got upset. My good mood vanished and I pouted. Why are they all being used and not me? I am ready, I have been waiting for a very long time. I am seeking. It isn't fair that amazing things are going on with them and I sit in a basement in Safford Arizona checking off the days. I love these friends and yet I find myself asking "why them and not me, are they so much better than I am?" I shouldn't be surprised at these feelings. Satan doesn't like it when we are praising God and in His Will. I know I am getting there. I stopped and started praying Scripture. I know God has plans for Goldie O'Dell and they are wonderful. I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I know He loves me beyond anything I can comprehend. I was letting Satan bring me down. My friends are hearing from God and doing what He has called them to do. I can not do what they are doing ( one signs at worship conferences). I almost let my day be ruined be my focus slipping down and not staying up. I will be honest, it still hurts a little and I am frustrated to sit and wait. I feel I have waited a long time and learned a lot, but apparently I am not ready to move on. So I wait and praise, and wait and praise. God owes me nothing and only He knows what and when He wants me to be used by Him.

WARNING...menopause is the topic

Well let me just say that I was not prepared for what I thought would be menopause. I saw the musical after all, what more did I need, the soundtrack? My mom had no problems, just stopped around age 41...poof, so not fair.
I started having perimenopause symptoms almost 10 years ago. No doctors would take it seriously. I was told all the time "I was too young". They didn't listen to my symptoms, hear my family history ( mom was very young) or would even run tests. They didn't see a reason. While my cycles and symptoms started really going crazy so was I. Finally six months ago I had my doctor do blood work ( just to humor me). When I went back in he was shocked, my tests confirmed what I already knew. He just kept saying "but you are so young" I should be grateful that he thinks I am too young. I also was not aware of just how many symptoms there really are. I knew about hot flashes, I have had them for a few years now. I know about the messed up cycles that will not let you leave your house at times, ( a lot of times you can't even leave the bathroom). I have heard a little about the depression. I thought I was just going through so much in the last couple of years that that was the reason for being a little down in the dumps. I don't sleep well at night, and I don't want to get up in the morning. I have no energy and then I feel guilty for not getting things done. I didn't know that my memory would be sooooo terrible. I can't remember anything and feel stupid. At least I know I am married, have 3 kids and where I live. My favorite symptom is the menopause acne. I never had acne in school. God was kind to me. Now it looks like I took a brillo pad to my forehead. I don't know what to do and my pride is totally embarrassed about it. Makeup only works a little. I feel much sorrier for teens with this problem than I ever thought I would. The last issue I have I was so not expecting. My family is complete. Paul and I agreed about that after Nathaniel was born. Paul had it taken care of for us and I was OK with it. Now that I know I am done ovulating, (I don't miss the bleeding at all, although I still have the cramps at times,) the idea that I am finished is more depressing than I ever thought it would be. I can cry just thinking about not being pregnant ever again. Seeing a new born really can set me off. I think it is just the idea of being too old and I hate it. Paul thinks I am crazy of course, and maybe I am. I hope these symptoms go away soon. I don't want to be like Sarah and Abraham...but a baby?
I need prozac and prayer!

I'm back!!!!

Well, Summer is way over, the computer crashed, and life has been crazy. I am now up and running (make that walking) on our old computer. The summer came and went and I am not sure where or how. Levi did learn to swim and even earned his cub scout, belt loop and pin for it. I reconnected with some old friends through facebook and got to spend a couple of days with some of them in Phoenix, and some of them in Tucson. Paul is still having back problems and I think it may never change. It is hard and it affects all of us. Jennifer is defiantly a preteen with mood swings and attitude, She is hungry and stealing food more and it hurts and frustrates me. Levi is at a charter school this year and only goes 4 days a week. I don't think he likes it any better but he loves the 3 day weekends. Nathaniel is still into everything and tires me out just watching him and saying no. He would love to be in school but isn't ready to sit still and pay attention. He needs an old T. V. to take apart and play with. I am still seeking God and waiting on Him. I am not good at this and I am tired of being in my mother-in-laws basement and living in a Mormon community. I hope to keep up again, because this is much needed therapy for me.