Time flys when...time just flys

Here comes the bride...17 years ago today I walked down the aisle to that very song. It was something I had dreamed of my entire life and had serious doubts as to whether it would ever happen. You can ask my friend Dawn just how I felt, I am sure she hasn't forgotten. She was my Matron of Honor and I had stayed the night at her house, not sleeping but talking most of the night after the dress rehearsal. We went and got our hair done together before heading to the church and did more talking. I relished every moment and detail of the days up to and including my wedding. There is little if anything I would change...maybe some pictures, food or the dresses not being so hot; even though it was March in Arizona it was still warm. None of that has changed the fact that I have been married to the man of my dreams now for 17 years, that is one thing I would never change. He was worth waiting for and I love him more today than I did then. Do I believe in happily ever after...yes and no. Life hasn't been perfect but it wouldn't have been without my Sweet Prince either. He has helped make me into the woman I am today, he is the reason I have 3 incredible kids that call me mom every day. He is the reason I get to celebrate an Anniversary that I wondered if it would ever come. He has taken me places I never thought I would go and learned to love. I fail him often and he still loves me, I think he could say the same thing...he better ;) We are good together, we are not perfect but we are perfect for each other. I can't believe 17 years have come and gone, now days that seems to be some kind of record but I can honestly say I have NEVER considered not staying married to my Sweet Prince, even with our ups and downs it has been and incredible ride and God has held us every step of the way. There was a day 18 years ago that I didn't think this would ever happen for me, I cried out to God and asked for strength to keep Him first even when that meant being alone, even if it meant for the rest of my life. I praise and thank God for holding me then and now and giving me a godly man who wants to keep our marriage  holy also. We have grown, changed, and not changed as much as we would like, but we do it together with God has our foundation. 

E= enough

I was driving down the road today and my gas tank was almost on E. I remember someone once telling me e=enough...just enough to work or the store or the next time I stop. He ran out of gas more than once.  I then realized I do the same thing with God. I am always wanting just enough of Him to get by on. If life is in a panic like it was with SSI this last week I come to Him often, crying out praying, reading looking for guidance, assurance, peace, etc. Then when the crisis is overted or over I back off...why? It seems most of us want just enough of a lot of things to get by. I only drink the minium of water of healthy choices in food and then go right back to soda, junk food etc. We want a quick fix with minimal effort. Haven't I figured out by now that enough is not God's best for me. Why don't I want to be filled to overflowing? Why do I quit when things start looking up, when I am almost there? We loose focus and get lazy, I am great at mediocre...not good!!! I have the God of the universe as my Father and He wants what is best. Is it any wonder He allows crisis to happen in my life just so I will run back to Him? I am tired of living with enough...I want an abundance of His grace, mercy, peace, strength, love, wisdom, etc.!! Enough is not enough, I want to overflow!

Lessons in the snow from a desert rat

Growing up in Southern Arizona there are a lot of things I can tell you about and appreciate about the desert. I knew what to do and not to do in the 100 plus heat, what kind of critters to look for and avoid. I knew how drive in a flash flood and monsoon and loved watching the thunder storms. I can name a lot of cacti and desert flora and fauna. A lot of this I took for granted until this desert rat moved to North Dakota. I am about as close to the Canadian border as I use to be to the Mexican border. I am now in the middle of my second winter up here and I can tell you there is a lot I didn't know and probably still don't, little things that those grew up here take for granted ( I did in the desert) and big things like how to drive on ice...fun. All of this to say I have learned a lot and continue too learn new stuff every day. God is teaching me so much through snow, cold, ice, ear muffs, etc. 

I love to watch the snow fall especially in the early morning when I am the only one awake. It is beautiful, peaceful and fascinating. I see the fresh snow and how crisp and clean it is and remember the Bible where it says "wash me and I shall be whiter than snow Psalm 51:7. The snow even in the dark of night can radiate. I get up and think a light must be on somewhere in the house. It can be blinding it is so bright. What's more is it doesn't take long for it to get dirty. Anything that isn't of God taints His beauty and it doesn't take a lot. One set of foot prints are easily seen in the snow, a little sand or dirt and it looses its pristine brilliance. I am the same way doing my own thing not God's. That is the influence of sin on God's perfect plan.

I also didn't know much about driving. I had heard of snow tires and chains but not studs and a block heater with a plug sticking out of your car engine?  Do you know what packed snow and ice sounds like on your tires when you are turning or backing out of your driveway? I didn't and all these sounds had me wondering if my van was in need of a tune up. Do I know the signs of needing a spiritual tune up? Am I assuming I know what I need or am I ready for anything God has for me. How about things to keep in your car for an emergency, I can tell you I didn't think about a lot of it ( salt or litter, candles, cans, lighters, sleeping bags, snacks, jumper cables (  the cold can drain a battery) I know most of these things I won't need but I have to carry them just in case. I feel like a Boy Scout, "always be prepared". Am I prepared for God's work?

Clothing is another learning experience for me. You can't have too many layers some days or enough gloves. We have a basket full of scarves, gloves, ear muffs, hats and more. We all have several coats now and depending on the temperature and wind determines which one we choose to wear that day. 30 degrees can feel like a nice Spring day now. I would have been freezing at that temperature in Arizona. Gloves can come with nose wipe areas on the thumb and are advertised this way, I laughed the first time I saw it. I wonder how much care I take with my spiritual clothing every day and do I know what I put on or better yet in my life?

I could go on and know I will learn more with each day. I never would have thought I would have lived in this much snow but I can say I have loved it and learned so much. I am thrilled to have this opportunity and if anyone moves to the desert from here I will be better prepared to help them with their transition. 

Pride is painful but humility isn't easy either

I have come to the conclusion that everyone has some kind of pride issue. It may be incognito as a martyr, as always serving, or even as low self esteem. The biggest one to me is claiming how humble someone says they are or "I used to be arrogant and proud but not anymore"  If you have to say that then you are still proud. I say all this only because I have been dealing with my own pride lately and I hate that I can see it in myself so strongly and ugly. What bothers me the most is I didn't think I struggled with pride in this particular area so much. I want to be humble, I truly do but the process is painful. It is like looking at myself through a microscope and seeing all the germs and bacteria. Every time I think I am making strides forward I fall right back into the selfish pit again. I also know that Christians are just as bad if not worse, our holier that thou attitudes are terrible. We think we are so good or at least better than "sister so in so" or "brother what's his name" We think that if we don't do it it won't get done or at least not as well as if we did it. I am no better and I hate it. God has exposed some areas in my life and has been dealing with them and it hurts. Cleaning out the stuff in my life and seeing how I am and how I need to change is a painful and not so quick process. I want it to be all about God not me, I want to give Him the glory, I want to do whatever He asks and not worry about others and what they may think,  so why is it so hard when I am not being used or given a pat on the back or worse being praised for doing something? What happens when someone else comes along and does something better than I do or worse they are not any better but they get to do what I wanted to or was doing? I got to be honest it hurts and it is because of pride and being all about me. What bothers me the most is I really don't want to feel this way. I want to let things go and just focus on my Savior so why cant I? I think it because God needs to get rid of it and it takes time and yes some pain, maybe that way I will remember what it felt like and not go back to that way of thinking. It will be on to the next painful growth opportunity....I can hardly wait.

Even Armpits Get Old

I realize that with age some things change. I also know that at 46 I am not old, there are many who would say that I am in great shape. Genetics do play a big part and in my family I am truly blessed. My grandmother didn't go gray until she was in her 60's and my mom is the same way. I have no gray hair and I know many in their 20 and 30's who already struggle with it including my wonderful husband. That being said things do change and I know it is different for everyone but once I hit 40 I could tell that I was no longer looking young. I expect and accept the fact that my energy isn't what it used to be and my metabolism has slowed way down. I can no longer eat whatever I want and not struggle with weight, I must exercise :(  I see the fine lines and have the red rough cheeks, my neck has lost a lot of elasticity and will continue to do so ( I can appreciate why people get face lifts, and professional dermatologist procedures. If I were wealthy I would get a boob lift...honestly, I hate saggy breasts. I take most of this with a grain of salt and I know I look younger than my 46 years, again thanks to genetics. The one thing I was not expecting and was not informed of was the fact that my armpits look old. I don't know how else to say it, they have lost their firm skin, are not smooth and have a discolored hue. When I was 16 or even 23 I don't remember shaving my armpits and thinking how nice they looked but I can tell you now I wish I had, maybe I would have appreciated it. I don't think I will convince any teenage girls I know to enjoy their armpits while they can, wear all those cute tank tops and wave to your hearts content for in 30 plus years they will be discolored and unattractive. Lets face it, if I say that I will be marked as crazy, probably the "crazy old lady" even. So I guess I will just resign myself to being 46 and not looking young but not looking old either, after all there are a lot of advantages to growing up and old, but that is a different blog topic.