Healing

I am always surprised by how much pain I can feel from something that has happened a long time ago. I think I am ok and have moved on when something can trigger it and it all comes back fresh and very real. I try to move on, I try to forgive. I even think that I have forgiven, and maybe I have. But if I have why does it still hurt so much? I tell myself and my family that life hurts. We are going to feel pain. I know we live in an imperfect and flawed world. I know that sin and Satan are very very real. I know my need for my Savior. If this life were perfect I would not need Christ and Heaven, I would not look forward to it.Without the pain I wouldn't appreciate the wonderful blessings I have. If life were always the same I would become numb to my needs and the needs of those around me. I also know that when I hurt I cling to my Savior, it is where I should always be anyway and I tend to slip away without even realizing it. Satan wants me to focus on the bad and forget what God has called me to do. I wonder if the harder something is the more likely it is that I am doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing. If that is true then I am doing exaxtly what God wants and I can't worry about what others think. I need to please my Savior, I need to be in the middle of His will and not my own. I need to move out of my comfort zone and get on with what I know God had called me to do!! Will it be easy? I doubt it. Will it be pain free, absolutly not! Christ suffered more than I can ever imagine.If I suffer even a little I pray it is for His glory and never my own.Onward with what God has called me to do!

Resolutions

The New Year is here. A time of reflection and looking forward. A time to make some changes and hope they stick, aah that is the snag. It seems we wait for January 1st so we can plan all these great things (eating better, exercise more, get organized, spend less, stop smoking, etc. etc.) How long does it take us to blow it, a few days, a few hours? What amazes me is that we ( maybe I should say I ) give up so easily. Why? Of course we blow it, but why not try again? Why do we wait for the New Year? If I decide to start eating better and on January 4 I get a Big Mac and milk shake do I just quit trying for the whole year? Do I have to wait for a Monday? Why can't I just get up and do better for dinner instead of waiting. We tend to make excuses even as to why we wait ie "it is the weekend and I am running around so much, I will eat a salad Monday" I can order a salad at any fast food place I go to. I choose not to. That is were the problem lies, 'I choose" Change isn't easy, starting a new habit isn't either, it is doable though. I don't have to wait for any special day or time. I don't have to wait for the summer, or school to start, or even the New Year. I keep moving forward, I keep trying, I find accountability, I find encouragement. I don't give up! So while I have made a few resolutions ( most of which I have already messed up) I still go back to them.

1. I want to loose weight and eat better
2. I want to stop yelling.
3. I want to be more encouraging
4. I want to spend more time in the Word and prayer
5. I want to let those I care about know it.
6. I want to be more organized and less messy.

I will blow it,I will have to start over, but I will not give up! Don't stop trying, don't give up. Anything that takes work is worth it! Happy New Year! 
 

Trying to catch up

I was just looking at my old posts and realized it has been way to long. With me spending more and more time on facebook I tend to neglect my blog. This is not a good thing because I love to write out what God is speaking to me and it helps me. When I write it down it makes it real and I tend to be more accountable. I have had so much going on that it is hard to write it all down. God has been moving in my life and in my families. We are very excited and a little scared. That is good because I depend on Him more when I get scared and know I can't do it alone. I need to get back on track with writing everything down also. I tend to forget what I learn and what God is doing ( just like the Isrealites huh?) 
 We have now been in Safford for 3 years. This has been my wilderness time. I am not sure it is over but I can see us moving forward again and that gives me hope. These 3 years have been necesary for both myself and Paul. It has been hard and long but without it I would not be who I am today. I have heard over and over from God "TRUST ME" Most of the time this is all I have gotten. I feel like I have cried out over and over. I have pleaded, wepted and even screamed "when, why, how long" Again and again I hear my Lord say 'TRUST ME" . He isn't loud, He isn't rude, He doens't get tired of me asking (thank God for that). I have told Him " I do trust You, so lets move on" I then realize that maybe I don't. If I did would I still be whinnig so much about the wait, wouldn't I trust that it isn't time yet.? I am learning to let go. Now it is time!

Paul is going back to seminary.This time for his MDIV. He is called to be a pastor not a music minister. I have known this almost as long as I have known him. I also knew that God had to show him and tell him when not me. He has applied and been accepted to Golden Gate Baptist Theological Seminary. He will be taking classes on line right now but eventually we will move again. We are ready, even if I am a little scared. I don't like change. Funny I know when I have been dying to do something new. I have gotten a better appreciation for my Mother-in-law by living with her. I see her better now and hopefully love her more. 
 
God is moving me more also.I will be speaking to minister's wives at the end of January. This is a burden I have had for a long time but knew it had to be God's timing and not my own. This will stretch my faith in ways that it never has before. I am stepping out it complete trust of Him. He has to do this through me or I will fail! I do not want pride to go with me. I want to be totally used by my Savior! I want Him to be glorified and not me! 


Well that is my last three months in a nutshell. I will be better about this and much more is coming. I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. Doesn't matter really, this is between me and my Savior. If you are reading this. Please keep myself and Paul as well as our kids in your prayers. We have a lot happening and only God can make it happen. Have an amazing New Year, I know I will!

Parent Teacher Conferences

Three children...three parent teacher meeting, all in two days. I must say Paul is a great dad and tries to make all of them, he made two of the three this time. All three are doing great with their learning and their attitude, well most of the time. Jennifer still likes to act like a teenager. We are so blessed and are thankful that all three are trying and their grades prove it. We love most of their teachers also. One teacher is dingy and disorganized but being Levi's teacher helps because he is so self motivated. Jennifer charms most of her teachers and has a crush on one of  her teachers ( I don't think he has a clue, which is good) Nathaniel is charming and and his teacher adores him. He loves school and I am so glad. Levi excels at all he does and is starting to enoy reading more. Jennifer continues to improve with being pushed, I hope they will challenge her in middle school as well. We have lots of time to pray for that. They are all growing up so fast, I can't keep up. Being involved in both schools really helps. I can see and hear what is going on, what they are learning, how they are treated and who their friends are. We are trying to give them a solid foundation because we know the pressure out there and the lies they are often taught. We want them to stand firm in their beliefs and be lights in a very dark world. I thank God for giving me all three of my kids and love being their mom and seeing them each excel and grow in their own way. I can't wait to see what the future holds for each of them...I better get back to praying for them and me, I need it.

Surgery for my baby

Well, Jennifer is on the road to recovery and that means so are mom and dad. I have seen Jennifer go through 6 surgeries now and  I never like it. As a mom I would much rather it be me going through the pain. The one good thing this time is she was old enough to understand what and why it was happening. When she was young it was so difficult because she would be in pain after surgery and she didn't know why it all happened. I will never forget the first time she had surgery at 4 weeks old in the NICU. She was in so much pain afterwards and she had a nurse that blamed me for her discomfort. I was so upset and it still brings pain when I think of it. I am happy to say that this was a much better experience. She wanted this done and knew what to expect...as much as she could. The IV had to be done twice which was no fun for her and dad almost couldn't handle it. Seeing his little girl in pain was too much for him. She asked to see her tonsils when she woke up and the nurse ( Sara) said she would have them waiting in a cup for her. I am glad that Jennifer has that kid of curiosity, it serves her well. Sara kept her word and when we met Jennifer in recovery there also were her tonsils. They were about the size of a grape and pink and bloody...sorry. I am glad we got to see them also. I don't think Paul was as thrilled with the idea. Jennifer has also been amazing with the whole "I can't eat" thing. I am so proud of her. She hasn't really complained or whined for food. She is happy to have ice, Eegges, juice and popcicles. Her biggest problem is talking...yes she is my daughter. The more she tries to talk the more uncomfortable her throat gets. Not talking is very hard for her even though she has a wipe board. She is loving all the attention she is getting. Grandma and Aunt Bobbie bought her stuff and so have several others. She is so loved and I am blessed because of it.
The hardest part of all of this for me as a mother as been trusting her completely to someone else and trusting God to take care of her. I don't know why this is hard. God loves her far more than I do and only wants her best. But I don't see things the way God does most of the time. I want her to be comfortable, He wants her to be more like him. I was talking to a very good the other day and she was saying that God was telling her,  "you need to  let go of your child completely,  so they can fall into my arms" That is so hard to do as a parent, but it is what God wants. I keep finding out just how hard I hold on to my family. You would think I would learn not to. The pain of letting go or putting them before God is so hard and yet it is something I struggle with daily. My children will be far better off in God's loving and safe arms more than anywhere else. If I truly want what is best for my children and want them to be more like Jesus I need to learn to let go and give them to God. Jennifer is doing just fine in His arms and she is learning  just how much He really loves her! As a mother can I ask for more?