Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Back to work

I started back to work this week. It was both difficult and good. I knew sitting at home wasn't going to help, especially when the boys went back to school. The idea of sitting around at home in a quiet house was not appealing. I would sulk, pout, whine, and get super depressed. All of that might be okay for a little while but not all day long every day. So I knew I needed to get back to doing what I love at school. I got up the first morning and it hit me. I didn't get to make Jennifer's lunch, I didn't get to check to make sure she was up and taking her shower (which she always was), she didn't come down the hall and ask what I put in her lunch and what she could have for breakfast. It was hard. I am sure the boys felt it also. 
Going into work was what I needed, I needed to keep busy and I love my job. They are supportive and appreciate me as well. They were glad to see me but most didn't know what to do or say. I wouldn't have known what to do or say either if I had been in their position. Sometimes it felt like there was the proverbial elephant in the room. It's okay because I know they do care. I can tell you for me personally, if you want to know what to do or say, ask. You can ask me just about anything, talk about my daughter, please! Yes I miss her but sharing what she went through or some of her stories is a privilege for me. I want to talk about her. I am also a hugger. I know some people are not but sometimes it's nice to have a hug, especially right now. And if I have a tear or two it's okay. Don't feel guilty for bringing up Jennifer, tears are going to come sometimes, especially for the next several months. It is a journey and a process. Finding joy and healing in this takes time but it happens. I still laugh and have peace and hope. God is holding myself and my family and lots of praying is getting us through. I thank God for my job and I am so grateful I have a place to go back to. It helps the healing. 

1 comment:

Monika Ragland said...

Love you. I'm glad you have an outlet for your feelings. I'm hopeful that Paul is doing well also. Men can be so closed up. Prayers for comfort and healing.