Back to work

I started back to work this week. It was both difficult and good. I knew sitting at home wasn't going to help, especially when the boys went back to school. The idea of sitting around at home in a quiet house was not appealing. I would sulk, pout, whine, and get super depressed. All of that might be okay for a little while but not all day long every day. So I knew I needed to get back to doing what I love at school. I got up the first morning and it hit me. I didn't get to make Jennifer's lunch, I didn't get to check to make sure she was up and taking her shower (which she always was), she didn't come down the hall and ask what I put in her lunch and what she could have for breakfast. It was hard. I am sure the boys felt it also. 
Going into work was what I needed, I needed to keep busy and I love my job. They are supportive and appreciate me as well. They were glad to see me but most didn't know what to do or say. I wouldn't have known what to do or say either if I had been in their position. Sometimes it felt like there was the proverbial elephant in the room. It's okay because I know they do care. I can tell you for me personally, if you want to know what to do or say, ask. You can ask me just about anything, talk about my daughter, please! Yes I miss her but sharing what she went through or some of her stories is a privilege for me. I want to talk about her. I am also a hugger. I know some people are not but sometimes it's nice to have a hug, especially right now. And if I have a tear or two it's okay. Don't feel guilty for bringing up Jennifer, tears are going to come sometimes, especially for the next several months. It is a journey and a process. Finding joy and healing in this takes time but it happens. I still laugh and have peace and hope. God is holding myself and my family and lots of praying is getting us through. I thank God for my job and I am so grateful I have a place to go back to. It helps the healing.